Who will look after MIL after this avoidable cock up ?

[Souredgrapes]

DH and SIL both provide a lot of home support for MIL . One of them see her every day . Shop , prepare food, supervise meds , take her out . Without this support she would need professional carers for sure . Despite this help , MIL texts DH several time a day / evening with very emotive messages . Says she’s in pain , lonely , hungry, can’t find the remote. All of her needs are being met so these texts really are not on but forgivable as she has early dementia and lives alone. When we do pop in after such a text ( 17 miles away) she’s always ok . We also have cameras on her so we know she’s fine .

DH and I booked a special holiday at the end of last year and gave SIL the dates . We have only been able to take 2 previous holidays abroad in the past 11 years so this is a big deal for us. It’s not quite “trip of a lifetime” , but alone those lines. We go at the end of this month for 10 days .

SIL has now booked a holiday abroad for exactly the same dates ! She found a deal she couldn’t resist apparently .

I have suggested to DH that professional carers are brought in as MIL is unlikely to be safe in her own home without their support .

DH isn’t listening to my concerns as he thinks I’m being driven by the selfish thought that Mils endless texting and calls during our holiday are going to spoil it . He’s not wrong to be fair , because this is exactly what will happen at best . At worst , MIL will have an accident and then DH will likely fly back . I’ve already said I won’t leave early . As you can image these conversations are tense as I’m coming across badly in his opinion .

I can’t believe the idiocy of the situation which was totally avoidable. I honestly thought SIL would cancel her holiday given the amount of care they both put in and that our holiday was booked first and is a big one . Sil holidays 2 to 4 times a year and this isn’t a particularly special holiday for her.

AIBU to now approach SIL, voice my concerns and ask her to come up with a care plan that doesn’t rely on goodwill from friends and neighbours.

SIL is an arsehole.
MIL is taking over your life and another solution needs to be found such as a care home.

That's so hard for everyone, but I'm afraid it will come to a point of having to grow more backbone (not meaning to sound horrid there) and become very firm with her.

This situation will soon become totally untenable. If she won't consider residential care then she might have to have live-in carers, which she will have to pay for.

It sounds as though the property she lives in is also now unsuitable with the bathroom being upstairs. I think she will have to be made to understand that she is at or close to the limit of what can be managed in her current house. That's nobody's fault, just the way it is. She wouldn't be safe on stairs.

I'm very relieved that my own mobility impaired elderly mother lives in a bungalow and is willing to have and pay for carers. Those are the only reasons she is still there. It wouldn't be possible otherwise.

This.
stay out of it - let them get on with it. Don’t fly back and don’t get involved.

these were my first thoughts too, at least about professional carers.

i'm Not suggesting there's any bad blood between them.

But having navigated this hell scape for some years and still in it, it's impossible to get the Parents to agree to care sometimes!

So if that's how she's feeling, she may want to see how a crisis unfolds with herself and her brother abroad and unable to help.

I don't think I would go abroad unless my mum was in a care home because the risk of having to fly back is just too high. (I'm not too fussed about holidays for other reasons though).

So I understand you can't bear to deal with constant messages on holiday, but something else should be put in place so that the messages aren't received.

There is nothing he can do from abroad anyway.

it strikes me as a very extreme thing to do and very unfair. So my first thought was that she wants to get her mother to accept alternative care and had to take this rather drastic step for it to happen.

She has the option of respite care or paying for care calls each day, there isn’t another option. SiL going away the same time as you may be a blessing as it’s forces your DH and her to sort out some additional care for their mother.

Mil needs to go into respite care and any costs are split between dh and sil

Surely the DM pays for her own care?

Id keep out of this
Your dh and sil need to decide what to do.

It sounds like she needs more care ( possibly residential or a live in carer ) anyway, especially with the dementia
It seems like SIL is doing the bulk of the support with the comparison between her workload and your dhs. I very much doubt they are equal.
This is hard on one person and tbh I’d be mortified if my kids had to wash me ( but that’s me, maybe ? )

So I’d say dh and sil need to arrange a carer. Preferably ones on rotation so there’s someone there all the time as you said MIL has the money for this.

I don’t see why SIL should change her plans no matter how many holidays she’s had.

@WearyAuldWumman . That’s exactly our position .

A relative who lives in the north of England is perfectly compos mentis, but has been discharged home after an ankle and foot injury.

Her bed and a commode have been placed in her living room.

I found out yesterday that she had to phone the next door neighbour to come and lift her after she fell off the commode that SS supplied. It has been deemed that she can cope with the help of neighbours and with carers popping in with food during the day.

She does have two adult children, but they both live many miles away.

Sorry @Souredgrapes, I have done something that I hardly ever do, and it is definitely frowned upon by a lot of Mumsnetters - including me - I have only read your opening post, so I don't know if anyone else has already suggested what I am about to suggest!

Anyway, to my comment: When we had my wonderful Mum move in with us because she was bedridden and disabled, and I really didn't want her to go into a home - she had gone way beyond what any mother could be expected to do for their adult child, when I had gone through a very difficult time when one of my children was a newborn and their Dad left us - So I contacted my DM's Social Worker as my D2ndH and I really needed a week off, two or three times a year, which was always in the UK as it was more about us recharging our batteries than anything else.

My DM's Social Worker could, and did, arrange for my DM to go into respite care for the week. It was in a very nice nursing home, and the local council paid for the respite care as my Mum needed 24 hour care, and we couldn't have afforded the care home prices ourselves. So, please ask your DH or DSiL to register their DM with her local Social Services Senior Care Social Worker, if she isn't already, and see if that service is still provided - this was about 17 years ago when the Country was going through a previous financial crises. Good luck OP, it sounds like you and your DH really need and deserve your holiday, so I really hope that you can convince your DH, even though I did find it really difficult to leave my Mum at all, but please reassure him that it will get easier 🙏 xx

NB: It was cheaper for the Council to pay for 2 or 3 weeks respite care a year, than to have to pay for her to be in one full-time. By the way, my Mum did own her house - in her name only - but my DDad still lived in it, so she couldn't have sold it to pay for her fees even if she was in full-time residential care.

If there is money for respite/cover carers then that's what needs to be done!
Or is MIL refusing to pay? SIL physically washes her DM is she washing independently in your shower?

We have done this. Professional careers or a temporary ‘holiday’ to a care home. Absolutely essential. It’s basic safeguarding, so you know she has immediate support if she has a fall or any other problem. He’s negligent to think he can help her from a distance.

When I worked for a care agency I visited many elderly people who arranged their own care (well normally their adult DC did ) and didn’t go via social services.

Yes, my MIL did the endless phone calls that last few months with us. OP, you have to get respite care, and please go on holiday with your DH and take a break. It is really essential, as caring is really a difficult job.

. It is also possible to get a plan where carers will pop by a few times a day to make sure meds are being taken, there is lunch, that sort of thing. We did this because otherwise it would have been impossible for MIL to stay in her own home where she was happiest. Your DH and SIL cannot think they can care for your MIL forever, particularly as her dementia gets worse.

I don’t think you have a MIL or a DH problem. The problem is your SIL. She knew but she went ahead anyway. Does she have some sort of power over your DH.

Personally I wouldn’t leave MIL in the care of strangers unless I trusted them. She needs help. Can you imagine yourself in years to come?

I can’t believe how many people feel a holiday comes before family. And no she’s not your mother but she is your DHs and that should mean something.

we all get old one day. Would you spend it with family or shutting a care home for convience sake?

your SIL is the only dick here.

I absolutely do not believe SIL engineered this situation . It’s not like her at all . She loves her Mum and she and DH get alone great. It’s like it happened so everyone’s gone Hey Ho , let’s roll with it .

And everyone was stunned when I had a nervous breakdown caring for mum. Including me.

actually "roll with it" is a great idea if care is put in place.

Yes I can and I will not become a burden to my children, I will not enforce myself onto their life so they don’t feel able to go away on holiday or have a break from me.
I want them to spend time with me not caring for me, I don’t want a house falling apart around me because I can no longer look after it making it difficult to sell.

There are in between options, some really good residential flats that offer support and own space that I will go to

Yes. We organised extra carers for my late mother. We used the same agency that was subcontracted to the local council/SS.

In my relative's case, I think there's denial on her part as to how well she can manage at home. Fortunately, her injury will heal - but in her place I'd have booked myself into a care home. (I'm in my 60s and widowed.)

I've already told my relatives that I'm happy to go into respite care if the need arises.

Sounds like you have never been in the position of having to care for an adult with increasing and complex health needs.

I absolutely can imagine myself in this situation in years to come and absolutely don't want to be a burden on my children. I'll have carers or use respite care so that they can have their lives without having to wash me and wipe my arse.

Many of us on here have been in that very difficult situation (including me). Sometimes a break is absolutely essential to preserve sanity and that is where carers or respite care come in, even if they might not be known to the person.

I cared for both my parents and my husband. Believe me, some form of respite is essential.

Why? Is DH unable to talk to his sister?

Apologies again @Souredgrapes, having started to work backwards from my post above, I can already see on this page the extra difficulties you all face (of course I include you, you are hardly living in a vacuum, and not personally effected by all of this!). As I haven't even got as far as the top of this page - page 5 - yet, I wonder if your DMiL wears one of those emergency call buttons around her neck? I also wondered if she could manage on a stair lift independently, even if not, she might prefer to have one installed so that she could still bathe in her own bathroom, and potentially still sleep in her own bedroom? Sorry again if this has already been covered... 💐

If something happens when you are away, under what circumstances will your DH fly home? If she falls, someone needs to call for an ambulance. What can he do by flying back? What sort of situations might happen? Are there any other relatives who can be on call eg grandchildren?