Who will look after MIL after this avoidable cock up ?

[Souredgrapes]

DH and SIL both provide a lot of home support for MIL . One of them see her every day . Shop , prepare food, supervise meds , take her out . Without this support she would need professional carers for sure . Despite this help , MIL texts DH several time a day / evening with very emotive messages . Says she’s in pain , lonely , hungry, can’t find the remote. All of her needs are being met so these texts really are not on but forgivable as she has early dementia and lives alone. When we do pop in after such a text ( 17 miles away) she’s always ok . We also have cameras on her so we know she’s fine .

DH and I booked a special holiday at the end of last year and gave SIL the dates . We have only been able to take 2 previous holidays abroad in the past 11 years so this is a big deal for us. It’s not quite “trip of a lifetime” , but alone those lines. We go at the end of this month for 10 days .

SIL has now booked a holiday abroad for exactly the same dates ! She found a deal she couldn’t resist apparently .

I have suggested to DH that professional carers are brought in as MIL is unlikely to be safe in her own home without their support .

DH isn’t listening to my concerns as he thinks I’m being driven by the selfish thought that Mils endless texting and calls during our holiday are going to spoil it . He’s not wrong to be fair , because this is exactly what will happen at best . At worst , MIL will have an accident and then DH will likely fly back . I’ve already said I won’t leave early . As you can image these conversations are tense as I’m coming across badly in his opinion .

I can’t believe the idiocy of the situation which was totally avoidable. I honestly thought SIL would cancel her holiday given the amount of care they both put in and that our holiday was booked first and is a big one . Sil holidays 2 to 4 times a year and this isn’t a particularly special holiday for her.

AIBU to now approach SIL, voice my concerns and ask her to come up with a care plan that doesn’t rely on goodwill from friends and neighbours.

It's not clear what your DH's position is. Your position is clear and your SIL's position is clear - you're both going on holiday and don't intend to provide any care for your MIL during that time (as is your right, nobody has to care). What is your DH's thinking though, that he can answer a few texts and otherwise she'll be fine left on her own? I mean it's a valid position maybe although it leaves him exposed to having to fly home early if he chooses to do so.

What's the thinking behind him not wanting to get a professional carer in? That's what you need to get to the bottom of. On the face of it it sounds like there's no reason not to but maybe he thinks she's safer on her own? Or something more sinister like he hopes she might have an "accident" and there will be nobody around?

In any event I think you are wrong to blame the SIL because she's no more obliged to change her plans or provide care than you are. When children decline to care for their parents it's usually a direct result of the kind of upbringing they were given - you reap what you sow and all that.

Why do you think SIL is a tit? You don't have enough information to make that judgement definitively.

SIL sounds like she is working just as hard at looking after their mother as her brother is (OP's DH). She might be reaching the end of her tether and need to force a discussion about a care home or carers if her brother hasn't been open to that. This is one way to do that if he otherwise isn't listening.

Presumably your MIL gets Attendance Allowance? If not, sounds like she qualifies. This will give her the money to pay for respite care while you, your DH SIL take a holiday.

Going forwards you need to discuss how you, DH & SIL are going to care for MIL as her care needs increase.

I can't think of anywhere that would do respite care for £70 a week.....

DH needs to face some facts here. He's wrong to call you selfish when you're just being realistic.

@Souredgrapes @SaladSandwichesForTea but this was part of the package of getting married pretty sure that becoming a carer for mil was not included in the marriage vows when @Souredgrapes got married!! how can you say that? the sil, on the other hand, has been quite selfish by booking a holiday on the same date as dh and OP! is sil going to still be accepting text and calls when she is away on hols or will it just be your dh being guilted? sorry but we have been there with my mil! only ones who stayed local and we were left to do it all!! one bil even suggested to my dh that he goes along every evening to play cards with her! he saw her every single day, got the emergency calls and he would rush over to discover she had mislaid her watch! all sorts of rubbish like that!!

Surely this is SiL’s problem to fix as she booked second? Don’t do anything.

AIBU to now approach SIL, voice my concerns and ask her to come up with a care plan that doesn’t rely on goodwill from friends and neighbours

YABU
Stay out of it otherwise it will massively backfire on you. It is highly emotive and if something happens to your MIL you will be blamed. Don’t get between your DH and his mother and DH and his sister.
Offer advice but don’t push it.
Leave it your DH and SIL to thrash if out.

ETA - I do hope you and your DH get to enjoy your holiday.

She needs respite care. She’s not safe to be left and apart from anything else you wouldn’t enjoy a holiday, knowing she may be at risk
i think DH is in denial It’s really hard to face our parents becoming frail
I lived with my Mum as she had brittle diabetes and when I had DS2 she went for respite in a care home
i I felt guilty but she had a great time
Circumstances change and we have to accept them
Perhaps MiL could think about sheltered housing either bought or rented from council?

Agree with this. Also re *As you can image these conversations are tense as I’m coming across badly in his opinion *
In what way are you coming across 'tense' do you mean you're telling SIL she has to do what you tell her?

Love this. Respite care is like rocking horse shit. Care homes are taking up the role of halfway house between hospital and home to prevent people bed blocking in hospitals. Respite here is nigh on impossible unless you qualify for NHS continuing care or hospice care.

Hi OP, I care for DH who has Lewy Bodies dementia. I think it depends very specifically on how advanced the dementia is and also what your MIL is prepared to accept. For a while, when I was working I had carers in for 2/3 hours at lunch time, I purchased an emergency pendant- the type where you can press and summon emergency help and I also had cameras throughout the house. I also had a wedge of trackers that would let me know and follow if DH left the house. In frankness this still left me nervous, but it worked for a period and did allow DH more freedom than he otherwise would have had. It does depend though what your DMIL will allow

Attendance Allowance is something like £70 a week. Respite care in a decent care home is hundreds of pounds a week. My FIL was paying £700 a week back in 2002.

You wouldn't get anything for £70 per week. Not that would be worth having.

In my area, you can approach any private home and ask if they have space for a respite care period - they normally keep some beds to rent out, on a sort of "hotel with care" type basis. My friend had to send her husband to one and she chose a lovely one, albeit expensive, where he got wine with his dinner and a choice of newspaper with breakfast, that sort of set up whilst also having 24 hour carers. He was told he was on holiday, which seemed to reassure him.

But yeah, SiL sounds like a bitch - what's the story there OP? are you not going to challenge her? or rather let your DH challenge her? Things are only going to get worse with MiL so ground rules need setting.

When respite was available here it was charged at the same rate as full time care - around £800 per week. Attendance allowance wouldn’t even cover half. My mum gets LA home based care - one hour a day and pays nearly £200 a week. Some posters need to wake up to the reality of a broken system.

I'd sort of assumed that the DH and the SiL might be able to pay what will be a hefty bill for 10 days, but yes, other saying its ridiculous are right, it should be accessible to all.

It could depend on location. Worth asking though.

SiL has multiple holidays a year.OP hasn’t had one for 11 years. I’d say that’s enough information for a judgement.

I'd leave him and his sister get on with it. Don't get involved. He will only resent you for voicing an opinion.

I'd say it isn't. None of us know what they are really having to do and respite and/or ongoing care need to be discussed regardless.

Why would it be down to you?

It’s up to DH and SIL. If they don’t care, leave it.

I would suggest to DH that he organises care for MIL, but that’s as far as I would go. On holiday I would say no phones other than a few checks a day.

If he comes back early, let him. His choice. You can’t control this. Stay behind and enjoy yourself.

AIBU to now approach SIL, voice my concerns and ask her to come up with a care plan that doesn’t rely on goodwill from friends and neighbours.

If that's what SIL has planned & your husband isn't happy with it then I think it's on him to organise what he is happy with.

Find a care home that your MIL can have for respite. She can pay for it,

we had to do this when I gave birth ( was in hospital for more than a week with complications) - we knew elderly relative was safe, and only responded to the care home staff!

You need to let her children come to the conclusion for themselves. Even if you're right (which you probably are) they won't appreciate your input. At least one of them is in denial. Maybe this is how it comes to a head.

YABU to approach your sil to state to obvious to her. She either knows or she doesn't want to know.

So they're both planning to leave her without any care? That is truly awful behaviour, are they trying to preserve their inheritance or something? I don't know if there's much you can do about it, but you're not the one coming across as horrible in the situation.