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Original poster

To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

635 replies

SpanishFork · 10/04/2025 12:17

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 10/04/2025 12:18

No, it’s not appropriate to expect a 5 year old to manage this tricky situation. The second an adult says “it’s fine, just take the picture” she will crumble. If this is a problem for you, you need to stand nearby and manage it yourself.

MidnightPatrol · 10/04/2025 12:19

I don’t think it’s fair to make this your five year olds problem to manage.

If it bothers everyone, you need to address it with your in-laws.

Eggsboxedandmelting · 10/04/2025 12:20

Have a huge photo of both dc printed and framed for your ils for Easter... If you genuinely feel dd is left out speak to your dh. My ils have a huge photo of the dgc. My eldest dd is in it.. She isn't biologically their dgc...
If they had snubbed her I would have left dh years before I did..

Tbrh · 10/04/2025 12:20

I think you're being unfair. Of course the grandparents might want pictures with their grandchild. You are being ridiculous.

Hoppinggreen · 10/04/2025 12:20

You are an adult, handle it like and adult by talking to the other adults rather than drag a 5 year old into it
It would be nice if your older child was included and if the in laws are treating her badly then thats not on but at the end of the day she is not their family

Eenameenadeeka · 10/04/2025 12:20

I think your husband needs to address the issue with his parents/siblings privately beforehand, and let them know that it's important to him that they treat you all as a family and don't exclude your daughter. I don't think it should be on your child to manage the situation.

SchoolDilemma17 · 10/04/2025 12:21

MidnightPatrol · 10/04/2025 12:19

I don’t think it’s fair to make this your five year olds problem to manage.

If it bothers everyone, you need to address it with your in-laws.

Exactly this. You can’t expect your 5 year old to manage this. How awkward.
you can’t force them to love your DD the same way as their biological grandchildren either. They are not her grandparents and didn’t chose this set-up.

GivingUpFinally · 10/04/2025 12:22

It's not right to put this in your 5 yo. While it's a tricky and hurtful situation. Unfortunately, I cam see both sided to this.

The in laws want pics of their bio grandkids...that's not unreasonable. It's unreasonable if they are fully excluding the eldest. Balance is needed.

You need to address with your husband and see of he can can speak to them or mention it yourself.

Calliopespa · 10/04/2025 12:22

No it isn’t fair on the 5 year old and will only make her sister feel worse by drawing attention to it all so cack-handedly.

If it’s an issue for your eldest it needs dealing with head-on.

bloominora · 10/04/2025 12:23

Your eldest daughter is not your in-laws grandchild.

It’s reasonable for them to want photos of their grandchildren all together to display.

It sounds like they’re not excluding her on the day - but rotating the photographer? So she is in some but not others, to still include her at the time.

I don’t think you can ask for more than this, and in my view it’s unreasonable to ban your 5 year old from photos without her sister.

Lilacmonster · 10/04/2025 12:23

Really unfair for you to put this on your 5 year old.

Definitely not unreasonable for being hurt for the way they treat your eldest,

This is where your DH needs to step in and speak to his parents

Tiswa · 10/04/2025 12:23

Of course you can’t at a party I would expect many pictures to be taken with just one of my two in it

what shouldn’t be taken is huge group photos without her being included

Lilacmonster · 10/04/2025 12:24

bloominora · 10/04/2025 12:23

Your eldest daughter is not your in-laws grandchild.

It’s reasonable for them to want photos of their grandchildren all together to display.

It sounds like they’re not excluding her on the day - but rotating the photographer? So she is in some but not others, to still include her at the time.

I don’t think you can ask for more than this, and in my view it’s unreasonable to ban your 5 year old from photos without her sister.

Unpopular opinion but if your child marries someone with children and they act as a step parent role too, you’re a crappy parent / grandparent for clearly excluding that child

I will not back down on this opinion

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 10/04/2025 12:24

What does your husband think about this?

If he doesn't think it's an issue that his family want photos of biological grandchildren/cousins only then you are on a hiding to nothing making a fuss about this.

If he agrees with you that it's cruel to your eldest and that she should be treated as an equal part of the family, this is a conversation he needs to have with his parents.

Absolutely do not use your five year old to make a point.

Britneyfan · 10/04/2025 12:25

I agree it’s totally unfair to put this on a 5 year old (or any child actually). I see why you and she are upset but I can also see I guess why they may want a photo with just their biological grandkids. It’s insensitive of them if this is the only photos they display though. And if it’s upsetting her I’d talk to them about it - you’d like to think they’d be a bit more tactful if they realise it’s upsetting your child. If I was the grandparent in this situation I would display both (well TBH I’m the sort of person would have your daughter in the pics as part of the family but I can see where they’re coming from to an extent).

Sassybooklover · 10/04/2025 12:26

Your husband needs to talk to his parents and explain that your daughter is upset that she never appears in any family photos. You are married, you're not some random girlfriend, but their son's wife, who happens to have a child of your own. I understand they may not feel quite the same towards your daughter as she's not their biological grandchild. However, in front of her, they should treat her exactly the same as their other grandchildren. That means including her in photos or activities. Do they buy her birthday and Christmas presents? You, could make a point of taking a picture of all the grandchildren and make a point of including your daughter. Your husband needs to tell his parents, that you are his wife, and not including your daughter is not only disrespectful to you and your daughter but to him too.

Lilacmonster · 10/04/2025 12:28

Sassybooklover · 10/04/2025 12:26

Your husband needs to talk to his parents and explain that your daughter is upset that she never appears in any family photos. You are married, you're not some random girlfriend, but their son's wife, who happens to have a child of your own. I understand they may not feel quite the same towards your daughter as she's not their biological grandchild. However, in front of her, they should treat her exactly the same as their other grandchildren. That means including her in photos or activities. Do they buy her birthday and Christmas presents? You, could make a point of taking a picture of all the grandchildren and make a point of including your daughter. Your husband needs to tell his parents, that you are his wife, and not including your daughter is not only disrespectful to you and your daughter but to him too.

Yes I agree with this so much, this is why I commented saying you are being crappy for excluding your adult child’s stepchildren

You may not always feel the same as you do with your bio grandchildren, and that’s okay, but to clearly exclude someone who is a huge part of your adult sons life is crappy

socks1107 · 10/04/2025 12:28

A five year old can’t manage this.
I’m part of a step family and my parents don’t have photos of my sd anywhere and my ils don’t have photos of mine anywhere. It’s just how it is and I wouldn’t expect it. Your dh can have a word but ultimately it’s their house and their grandchildren.

Pigeonqueen · 10/04/2025 12:28

Lilacmonster · 10/04/2025 12:24

Unpopular opinion but if your child marries someone with children and they act as a step parent role too, you’re a crappy parent / grandparent for clearly excluding that child

I will not back down on this opinion

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/04/2025 12:29

Yes of course. Let’s make the 5 yo negotiate this issue that is too tricky for you as an adult to navigate by using your words. Obviously that’s the answer 🙄

Westfacing · 10/04/2025 12:33

You are being very unreasonable to expect your five year-old to handle this!

If you are unhappy with the situation you should speak to the adults, including your husband.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 10/04/2025 12:34

Why are you visiting them?

Does your husband see your oldest as his? That's the main question

If he does, HE needs to be enforcing a ban on their weird treatment

Yabu to visit them tbh - if they can't include a 5 year old in their lives, how's it gonna be for her in 10 years?

Tbrh · 10/04/2025 12:35

Lilacmonster · 10/04/2025 12:24

Unpopular opinion but if your child marries someone with children and they act as a step parent role too, you’re a crappy parent / grandparent for clearly excluding that child

I will not back down on this opinion

Show quote history

Disagree with this, the grandparents don't chose this relationship, it being forced on them. I do think generally the stepchildren should be included of course, but there's nothing wrong with them.wanting a picture of their grandchildren. The grandchild and grandparents bond is very special, and I'd assume the stepftanchild has their own grandparents who also feel the same about them

CandidExpert · 10/04/2025 12:36

Unfair to put this on a 5 year old.

It's up to you to express how you and your oldest child feel. I don't think it's unreasonable for a grandparent to want pictures of just them and their biological grandchild though, your oldest child has biological grandparents that they don't share with your youngest...does your oldest child's paternal grandparents have pictures taken with your youngest child? Presumably not. Perhaps explain this to your older child..."these are your sister's Dad's parents, your Dad's parents has pictures with you and not her, I know it can feel like you are getting left out sometimes but you and your sister have different grandparents, that's all."

Emoleno · 10/04/2025 12:37

Your eldest isn't their's. There's no reason why they should want someone else's child on their family photo.

Just because you want it, doesn't make it so.