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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

635 replies

SpanishFork · 10/04/2025 12:17

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

OP posts:
Wonderwall23 · 10/04/2025 12:37

It's not for your 5 year old to deal with.

But I dont think yabu and I think your DH should have a quiet word with them along the lines of what others have said re your DC being his family now.

The rubbish attitude towards anything step-related is one of the more depressing things I've learnt about people on Mumsnet so some of the comments on this thread are not a suprise at all.

My Mum's parents were divorced and married to new partners before I was born. I know it's different because one half of each pair was obviously my biological grandparent, but I saw them all equally as just grandparents and we were all just their grandkids and there was none of this drama and nonsense. There is nothing to gain by excluding a child and lots to lose. It's just ridiculous and not worth it.

AffableApple · 10/04/2025 12:40

SchoolDilemma17 · 10/04/2025 12:21

Exactly this. You can’t expect your 5 year old to manage this. How awkward.
you can’t force them to love your DD the same way as their biological grandchildren either. They are not her grandparents and didn’t chose this set-up.

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Parents never get to choose their adult children's set ups. The kid should be in the pictures, they're part of the family.

Gettingbysomehow · 10/04/2025 12:40

Absolutely awful, I was excluded from holidays, photos, gifts everything being the daughter from another man who I've never even met.

I stopped visiting altogether when I grew up as it broke my heart to see pictures of the 4 of them all over the house and none of me.
Being excluded really hurts and the child certainly does notice everything.
You need to tell them if they don't include your daughter then your children don't see them at all. That's your responsibility as the adult.

UncharteredWaters · 10/04/2025 12:40

So you, an adult, can’t use words to sort this? But you expect a 5 year old to do just that?

Really? Maybe think about your own behaviour…

Lilacmonster · 10/04/2025 12:41

Tbrh · 10/04/2025 12:35

Disagree with this, the grandparents don't chose this relationship, it being forced on them. I do think generally the stepchildren should be included of course, but there's nothing wrong with them.wanting a picture of their grandchildren. The grandchild and grandparents bond is very special, and I'd assume the stepftanchild has their own grandparents who also feel the same about them

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I knew people would disagree, and I 100% understand the bond may not be the same and that’s completely valid and normal

But “the grandparents are forced”

I’m sorry but if you love and support your adult child you’d understand their step children are a huge part of their life, a step parent can be just as important as a biological parent.

To clearly exclude someone such a huge part in your adult child’s life especially a CHILD is unfair and mean.

Whatsitreallylike · 10/04/2025 12:41

I’d orchestrate an opportunity to do the same to them. Invite everyone over at Easter/Birthday/Christmas for example, then take a photo of just your parents, siblings, children and husband and post on SM ‘lovely day with our family’!

If they say anything about you excluding them then you can politely explain that this is how they make your daughter feel.

LeapingSpringLambs · 10/04/2025 12:42

Tbrh · 10/04/2025 12:35

Disagree with this, the grandparents don't chose this relationship, it being forced on them. I do think generally the stepchildren should be included of course, but there's nothing wrong with them.wanting a picture of their grandchildren. The grandchild and grandparents bond is very special, and I'd assume the stepftanchild has their own grandparents who also feel the same about them

Show quote history

Do you feel the same about adopted children? The grandparents don’t choose that either. Or to have grandchildren at all in fact.

Westfacing · 10/04/2025 12:42

Wanting photos of your biological GC if they are 'official' professional photos e.g. at graduation, wedding anniversary etc is one thing, but at a family get-together where every Tom, Dick and Harry has their phone out taking dozens of pics it seems unnecessary to be separating people out.

Pigeonqueen · 10/04/2025 12:43

Emoleno · 10/04/2025 12:37

Your eldest isn't their's. There's no reason why they should want someone else's child on their family photo.

Just because you want it, doesn't make it so.

It’s not just some random child, it’s their adult child’s step child.

Brefugee · 10/04/2025 12:46

YABU to expect your in-laws to accept your daughter into their family just like that. No matter how your DH has accepted her. You need to learn to live with this.

YABVU to leave this to your daughter to handle.

StScholastica · 10/04/2025 12:47

Tbrh · 10/04/2025 12:20

I think you're being unfair. Of course the grandparents might want pictures with their grandchild. You are being ridiculous.

What a horrible attitude. Why would anyone exclude a child. A stepchild is still a grandchild.

Original poster
SpanishFork · 10/04/2025 12:47

Gettingbysomehow
You need to tell them if they don't include your daughter then your children don't see them at all. That's your responsibility as the adult.

My husband would never run with this and what would I say to my youngest child about why I don’t allow her to be with her family?

OP posts:
Ronsealit · 10/04/2025 12:48

Does your eldest see her own grandparents? I’m from a step family and didn’t see my step siblings’ grandparents as my own, wouldn’t expect to appear in family photos etc and while they always included me and my biological brother and made gestures towards us, we weren’t treated the same as in time spent, value of birthday and Christmas presents which we fully understood because they weren’t our grandparents, we had our own who were similar in their treatment of our ss, kind and inclusive but definitely not the same.

XWKD · 10/04/2025 12:50

It's not nice to exclude a child. It should ever be done in a hurtful way. At the same time, it's not up to your child.

You need to talk to the adults.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 10/04/2025 12:50

SpanishFork · 10/04/2025 12:47

Gettingbysomehow
You need to tell them if they don't include your daughter then your children don't see them at all. That's your responsibility as the adult.

My husband would never run with this and what would I say to my youngest child about why I don’t allow her to be with her family?

Is your husband willing to speak to his parents and explain how hurt you and your daughter feel about her being treated differently?

SinkToTheBottomWithYou · 10/04/2025 12:51

So they are not excluding her from the group pictures, just choosing to display in their house pics with all their GC and not their son’s wife’s child? Fair enough! Assuming you have access to the group pics where she is and could display these in your house?
How old is your eldest / how long has she known your ILs for?

Pigsears · 10/04/2025 12:51

I think it depends on your DD. IE how old she is, how long she has been part of their lives, whether she has active grandparents on dad's side etc

Maybe they feel like they would be overstepping to take photos?

Original poster
SpanishFork · 10/04/2025 12:52

My DH is a wonderful man and you would never know he wasn’t her dad.

The in-laws aren’t cruel per se and would probably say that they engineer this deliberately in order NOT to upset her.

My eldest’s dad left us when she was a baby and his mother did continue to see her for a lit bit but it fizzled out.

I don’t expect them to treat her the same as their grandchildren but they have an obsession with photos. I just want them to be nice to her.

OP posts:
Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 10/04/2025 12:53

You can't put that on a five year old.

Mum says I'm not allowed to be in any photos without my sister.

I'm not sure that would go down well and it's unfair on your children.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 10/04/2025 12:57

SpanishFork · 10/04/2025 12:52

My DH is a wonderful man and you would never know he wasn’t her dad.

The in-laws aren’t cruel per se and would probably say that they engineer this deliberately in order NOT to upset her.

My eldest’s dad left us when she was a baby and his mother did continue to see her for a lit bit but it fizzled out.

I don’t expect them to treat her the same as their grandchildren but they have an obsession with photos. I just want them to be nice to her.

Can he explain to them that she understands that the "real" photos that go on display are the ones they get her to take so she's not in them, and that they might think they're being subtle when they treat her differently, but she does notice and it upsets her? That it would be nice if they could include her in the proper photos that they display in their home so she feels included?

MargaretThursday · 10/04/2025 12:58

Tell her she obviously takes the best photos which is why they choose them.

It sounds like actually they're doing their best to include her when they do want pictures of their grandchildren.
You say the children all take photos so it's not like they're saying "you stay out of it". They've found a way that they thought was not obvious.
Quietly tell them that she has noticed -assuming that it's her noticing and not you. Maybe ask them to send you one of the ones with both in.

But it isn't unreasonable for them to want some photos of just their grandchildren. If you split up then they'll never see her again.

user1492757084 · 10/04/2025 12:58

Give a few nice frames to inlaws as gifts.
Include a photo of both your children in one.
Ask that they use another to display one of the photos they casually take - but one which includes your oldest too.

Explain that you are assisting them to have a more balanced display of photos in their home due to respecting your older child's feelings. You can't stop them framing their own grandchildren in some shots and displaying those as well.

They will not have meant to be hurtful.

GRex · 10/04/2025 12:59

Adults need to deal with this by having a conversation. Stop involving the children.

I can't imagine leaving out a child, though if you're new to the family it can be a bit tricky. In our family nobody ever got left out, so we have several photos of all us cousins with one or two random kids inserted in on different years who were dating mum's cousin's string of boyfriends. When we show the photos to our kids it's like "I think that one's Tim? No, Paul? Well it was one of Auntie X's friends' children... Anyway, look at uncle John's hair!"

Original poster
SpanishFork · 10/04/2025 13:02

I wasn’t expecting my youngest to confront her adult male ‘sitting for the Bar’ cousin simply just to stay with her sister.

There will be at least 18 people there in a tiered garden, I can’t follow them without looking weird.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 10/04/2025 13:06

Absolutely not. So inappropriate to ask this of a 5 year old!

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