To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

[SpanishFork]

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

We said nanna and grandad aren't very kind to XXX sometimes, so we aren't going to visit as a whole family anymore. Ex still took 3 youngest DD's round after xmas/day after bdays etc. But they were the ones that missed out in the end because they then didn't get to see GC on the days they deemed important.

My ex felt as strongly as I did about it too, which helped.

My daughter was 3 when I met my husband. His dad treated her exactly the same as he did his other grandchildren. Becky was NEVER referred to as a step-child or a step-grandchildren, because he was a decent person 🙂

I think it is hard to navigate.

I used to think of course Step kids should be treated the same - but since then seen within my own family when they are and the relationship breaks down you are suddenly not allowed to know anything about this child who suddenly nothing to do with you. My parents also found they were expected to take down photos with setp child in.

I don't think it fair expecting 5 year old to deal with the situation but your DH having a word and letting them know the photo sitiation been noticed and is upsetting the step child that's better way forward - so they can adjust behavior or at very least all the adults know where they stand.

OP, gently. Is your eldest daughter honestly upset by this? Or are you upset about it, and projecting?

Just asking as you’ve referred more generally to feeling hurt that your children aren’t having the same life experiences.

If your in-laws intentions are good - which you think they are, given they’re trying to include her in a round of photographs even if they don’t display the one with your eldest in - that’s an easy gloss over surely by telling your daughter she’s the best photographer so that’s why they want to put her photos up.

Telling your 5yo to refuse family photos without her sister is not a reasonable solution.

I hate this kind of stuff, your DH has taken on your eldest child as his own I bet he doesn't exclude said child? Very unfair of grandparents to exclude step grandchildren....so hurtful and confusing for the child. I feel for you OP xxx

I have been in your shoes op so I get how hurtful it is. I don’t think you can expect your 5 year old to deal with it though. I’d tell in-laws that it upsets your daughter (or get DH to) Hopefully they react with.. We’re so sorry of course we will include her, or not. If not then they’d not be around my child again. My SIL was like this with my son and refused to change. My husband visits that side of the family separately from me now and has done for years.

You’re being unreasonable because you expect your five year old to manage this.
And also because you seem to think your in laws aren’t entitled to photos of only their biological grandchildren/family.
Your DH made a choice to blend a family. Perfectly fine. But that doesn’t mean everyone else in that family have to act as though the same is true for them.

I don't think you're being ridiculous, I can completely understand that it's hurtful to feel that your child is being excluded. And hurtful to think that your child might be feeling unwanted or excluded themselves. However I do agree that the grandparents might want a photo of just their grandchildren and there's nothing wrong with that. It probably just needs to be done in a more sensitive manner.

Mumble12

Did they not resent it though?

A. Husband wouldn’t be on board anyway.

B. Didn’t the youngest just see it logically that the eldest wasn’t related to their grandparents?

I don’t expect the big things just the little things. It’s a fucking photo.

It's not the job of a 5yr old to enforce your rules.

They do a fire and candle thing at my cousin’s church I am tempted to go there with eldest and not do in-laws.

I am beginning to dread it.

Why on MN are step mothers told they don't have to do all sorts of things with their step children as they have two parents but step grandparents are expected to behave as if all grandchildren are biological?

“It’s a fucking photo” - goes both ways OP 💐 It sounds like it’s symbolic of other frustrations for you though.

This! If you split your dd will never have to see them again, so
why force them to have photos of her? They are completely reasonable to just want photos of their GC. Also YOU and your DH made a choice of being together, I really don’t think kids should be forced on others just because of that. Being kind to a child is expected, but they don’t have to be forced to treat them equally (ISA’s!!).

This is how it should be!! x

It’s easy enough to say “ok let’s get a photo in with everyone” though. That would be kind, it’s not like they have to display every photo or even keep them.

So when your eldest daughter goes to their other grandparents (dads parents), are they allowed photos of her without your youngest child?

Double standards.

The eldest needs to understand that although she has the same standing as sister in your household - that doesn't carry to other households (stepdads parents). She isnt their grandchild.

If your DH won't speak to them then you have the choice to speak to them yourself or accept the status quo.

YANBU to want things to change but it's very unreasonable to put it on your children's shoulders to affect that change @SpanishFork.

Gosh no, don't drag a 5yo into this.

Would you take both your dds to see the in-laws if you and your dh split up OP?

Maybe this is the way forward - if you can't talk to IL or think it will change nothing.

I'm afraid I have to go with this. Your child isn't their grandchild - your feelings matter, but so do theirs. You married their son, not them. And putting it on a child to sort out is wrong. If you really want to discuss this, then your and/or your husband need to explain to them like grown ups, but in the end you cannot force them to display pictures of a child who is no relation to them at all.

Well if you don't stand up for your child who will? Do you want her to be damaged mentally, because I certainly was.

YABU to put this on a child, yes.

Unless it’s a “everybody come for a photo, oh except you OP’s daughter” I don’t see the massive issue with it and would just take the tack that it’s just a photo, it’s not my photo and it doesn’t have to go in my house

You can’t say no photos without the other. Everyone is an individual and allowed photos individually or with certain people without always needing to include someone else.