To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

[SpanishFork]

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

Could you offer to take a photo when it comes to your DD turn? You say they all take turns at taking photos and it’s always the one your DD takes that’s displayed, is that because it has all biological children in where as the ones your DD is in a biological member is taking the photo? If I was MIL I’d ask for someone to take a photo so I could have all family children biological or not. Maybe she hasn’t thought of that?

I don’t fully understand this to be honest, this is a tricky situation but you explain it to a child in age appropriate terms- she & her sibling do have different relationships with DH’s family.

I wouldn’t drag a 5 year old into the situation and put the problem onto their shoulders, I just wouldn’t visit them Easter Sunday full stop.
Your in-laws aren’t giving a good message to either of your children - one is favoured, one is made to feel second best. I wouldn’t want that for my children.

Unless there’s way more going on than you’ve said, you’re massively overthinking this. If you don’t like your in-laws in general just say so.

Have you told your husband that your daughter is getting upset? He really needs to step up here and talk to his parents. He married you knowing you had a child and that you came as a pair.

Yabu.

Its too much to put on a 5 year old, plus are you saying your in laws aren't allowed any photos of their grandchildren without your other child in the photo? It may be upsetting for you but presumably your eldest has another set of grandparents on her dad's side - are those grandparents now expected to display pictures of your new child with their sibling?

You can't force a relationship that isn't there. It might be upsetting for you, but take it from me, it's quite difficult for wider family when step children are introduced who you don't really have a relationship but you are suddenly expected to treat as family.

Just because they re perfectly entitled doesn’t mean they should. Their is a hurt child at the centre of this

I get you OP it wouldn't hurt to have another child smiling in a group photo. Bloody hell if anyone asks who everyone is they could just say that's our granddaughter X and next to her is Y, her big sister on her mum's side. I think its cruel to leave her out.

My PIL have a huge amount of favouritism for DH's sibling. Their house is COVERED in photos of that sibling's DC and there is one photo of our child in their entire house, which I gave to them. And our DC is their biological grandchild. It's one of the reasons I don't make any effort to go to their house, all visits are left to DH to organise which means they happen about once a year.

Gettingbysomehow

I am so sorry for how you feel but I think my youngest would then be damaged mentally.

You think they should save in an ISA for a non related child?

Do you also believe that her older child's father's parents should save for her new husband's child? Why?

They both have separate paternal grandparents. Where do you draw the line?

What do you believe about inheritance?

That the step-child should inherit from three grandparents and the subsequent child two? Won't the subsequent child feel hurt?

If he’s the wonderful man you say he is, then he would be on board with it. Forcing a teenager to be at a family gathering where she is the only kid excluded is a shitty thing for him to be on board with. If he was a wonderful man, he’d be talking to his parents about it.

It’s a photo! Distract your older child and let them have a photo with their real grandchildren, as long as your DD is in some of the pics and not made to stand at the side I don’t see the issue!

Are you the poster who didn’t like the grandparents having a tea party for all the grandkids when your other child was out somewhere with you?

In your shoes, I would go to your family thing with your eldest instead this time, and see if your DH can have a gentle word with his parents about it. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, he could just say that your eldest is noticing she’s not included in photos and finds it painful to be treated differently to her sister by them because she doesn’t see her other grandparents at all.

If they are decent people they will be able to acknowledge how this must feel for her and change their behaviour a bit. It wouldn’t kill them to include her properly in times where she’s there and to have a couple of photos on display that include her too, in places where she’ll see them when you all next visit. Your DH could give them a photo of the 4 of you if they are receptive. And maybe sometimes you and your eldest could duck out of their family events and do something fun by yourselves instead so they get to spend time with just their biological grandchild too.

It’s not wrong of them to love her less, but it’s very wrong of them to make it so obvious to her.

I didn’t say anything about an isa. But you seem to forget there is a child here who is getting continuously hurt by adults who really should know better or at least pretend they do. Didn’t you read the bit where the step grandchild didn’t receiver an invite to a family wedding ? Do you think that’s an okay way to treat a child?

OP maybe you should tell your husband that in future he attends family gathering with just your youngest daughter as your older one is getting very upset about the way they are treated. Let him explain your absence to them.

I do honestly think that's horrible behaviour to exclude your daughter, but you cannot put your 5 year old in the middle. It will stress her out and make her feel bad. Accept that they're not nice people. Has your husband had a word?

To summarize -

Instead of asking her DH to have a discussion with his parents and come to some resolution, the OP is instead telling her five-year-old to step up and not be photographed without her sister as a way of resolving this issue.

How old is your eldest? Presumably in-laws have known her for at least 5 years if your youngest is 5. Your eldest isn't a stranger to them. It's a difficult one though as you can't force them to accept your eldest as their grandchild.

I come from a blended family. I was never treated as a grandchild by my step dad's parents and my half siblings were never treated as grandchildren by my grandparents. Both sets of grandparents always bought presents for the children they weren't related to and were welcoming but there was no way they would have pictures up of unrelated children. I know times have changed but I was never scarred by it and accepted they weren't my grandparents as did my half siblings.

This is why I ask the age of your eldest. If she is only a couple of years older than your youngest then I can see why there would be confusion or upset but if she's a bit older she may understand that although she's bought for and included, she is not biologically a grandchild.

Oh and do not put this on your 5 year old. That is a shitty thing to do. If you have a problem, you or your DH need to have a word with his parents.

beautyqueeen

That was me! I had taken my child to a hospital appointment.

OK I will never put my youngest in the middle of this.

We ask children to accept step-siblings as family, why not grandparents?
They are just as much family as DiLs and SiLs are, who are obviously not related either.

She is their family - she is their g/c sibling and their son's step daughter. I can't abide people who omit a child from something on this basis.
I do think the OP or her husband should say something if this happens all the time and not leave it to the five year old. If you are not going to be there to say something - I would ring before hand and say something. It is fine they have some of their grand child alone but always leaving the other one out is not on.

PrincessScarlett

10 in July.

She doesn’t see her paternal family, not that this is the responsibility of my in-laws.

Christmas present is given but not equivalent to grandchildren. No birthday present but this has never been commented on by daughter.

Easter eggs are given if we’re there but this year Easter is at BiL’s.

Your husband needs to tackle his horrible family.

Who cares about the mental health of the younger child and her mother blocking her relationship with her parental side? How will you explain it to her when she's older if she meets them and asks why she missed out on them in her life?
Are you going to stop elder daughter doing anything that doesn't include youngest?