To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

[SpanishFork]

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

Glad your family has all the children feeling loved but from OP’s posts in this family it seems all children aren’t loved and welcome the same way by some family members.

I’m not sure therapy to make her ok with treatment that hurts her is the answer.

Therapy is to help her accept and be ok with something she cannot change. And her having no dad or grandparents and her sister and friends having that, is something she cannot change.

You're making it sound like people are saying you should go to therapy to make you ok with someone beating you up, it's not equivalent to that. OP has said the IL are kind and polite to her, she's not being asked to be ok with bad treatment, but with different treatment. IL are treating her as you would if your child brought a friend for tea, you'd feed them and get them drinks and keep them safe but you're not expected to treat them the same as your own child.

I'm willing to entertain the possibility that this is actually how you see things in your head.

I think this is just one of those issues where there is no right or wrong. It is awful to make a child feel “othered” and left out. But you cannot force grandparents (or whoever) to feel something that isn’t there. I don’t think there is much of a solution. It’s just an uncomfortable truth.

It’s not equivalent to someone beating her up, no. They are not beating her up.

But they are behaving in ways that hurt her.

You think the problem is the child’s feelings and she should have therapy or support to help her change her feelings. I think the problem is with the IL’s behaviour (cutting child out of photos). I think it’s totally understandable and natural that a child would feel hurt by that and I think it’s harmful to pretend otherwise and suggest therapy to overcome it

This thread shows that there is a lot more at stake when women choose to have second relationships with men and add more children into the mix.

It is a LOT more nuanced than whether or not that new partner is kind to their existing child.

That new partner comes with a whole new set of people and influences that invariably becomes a big part of the first childs life, when a new child is added to the mix.

Othering is often a big part of the reality for that child, which really stings if they don't have a loving birth father and his family to support and love them.

I think most women do not give this any great thought until they see it play out in front of them and see that their first child has become collateral damage to their choices.

It is a massive burden for the children involved and one they often carry for a lifetime.

Interesting you mention inheritance @Curlycurio. I wondered if that might come up later too. OP has said this family have resources. The SILs comment about not treating DD1 the same as her DC also sounded like it might have been partially about money too, albeit we don't have the context for the conversation.

But it sounds like another thing to be aware of and consider as a possibility.

Oh how very gracious of you. But your grace is entirely unnecessary since the exchange I had with that pp is in black type on the thread.

(A reminder:

Me: “x”
pp: “I see you say x-opposite. that is progress”.)

I’ll be sure to pull out a similar example on a trans thread the next time we inevitably interact on one of those.

The OP made it clear it wasn’t about money for her oldest. But it is interesting that the in laws didn’t help her husband (and their son) onto the property market but helped his other siblings who I assume don’t have step children.

It's not about money for OP/her eldest, but it may well be for PIL to some degree.

I guess what I mean is that truly equal treatment/accepting someone as your own grandchild is more than the day to day bit.

You see it quite a bit on here where someone has been raised as a member of a family then finds they were left out of a will by someone they called grandad etc and it makes them question their whole relationship and makes them feel like shit.

If that's how it is then better OP knows early and can proceed on that basis.

It isn't now, for her. But DD1 will grow up, and will have her own views that might or might not align with OPs.

Agree it's interesting. Sometimes in this situation GPs will choose to avoid contributing to what could be shared marital assets, and will pass inheritance directly to bio GC rather than to their own DC who might predecease the spouse who bought SDC to the marriage. OP has said PILs actions over the house mean their own bio GDC is poorer than she'd otherwise be, but that won't necessarily always be so.

@UrinalCake yes this is definitely "a thing".

Working on the he assumption that they didn’t help their son onto the property ladder all because he has a stepdaughter would say everything I need to know about the step grandparents. He is their son and they would be helping him

I do agree with that and this is why I feel limiting contact with the steps is the better thing to do just now. I also think some family therapy would be beneficial given that the op and her husband are at odds over this as well.

I'm leaning towards therapy because it seems like this child's unhappiness isn't just limited to the situation with her step grandparents. I get that spending less time with them might be the right approach but if she's also sad about her friends having grandparents then what? You can't avoid everyone that brings up that sadness or her life will be very limited.

Probably a combination of avoiding them and therapy about her dad would be best.

I'm sure you'll try.

This seems like a leap. Nobody on here knows anything about what money has or hasn't been given to the different children, nor why. The siblings might not have been given anything, it's just an assumption. The DH might have already spent the amount given on university, debt, business start-up, ex girlfriend, etc. The DH might have been told he has to match contributions but not managed it yet. The PIL might have made other contributions at earlier suitable points but can't manage the equivalent right now. Lots of possibilities! Most of them more likely than not giving it in case 50% of the amount goes to a different person in 50 years time.

I wasn’t going to come back as the thread seems to have taken on a life of its own,

To clarify, DH’s parents ensured all of their children were on the housing ladder including DH, before I was on the scene. However, his brother and sister had more help when upsizing.

In-laws stepped in when BiL got divorced then Within 6 months SiL had an extension which DH believes was paid for by parents who DH believes gave her equivalent what they gave BiL.

DH gets no help as ultimately DD1 would inherit.

They can do what they want with their money.

I want only that they do not treat her differently to her sister when she is with them,

While I don’t want their money or even gave their circumstances any thought whatsoever. I have to admit it jarred when she was six weeks old and went to register her birth and they asked us to get a copy of the birth certificate so they could set up a savings account for them.

They don’t acknowledge my eldest daughter’s birthday but my youngest gets a massive present.

I have to accept she is not their granddaughter and I will be distancing her from them.

It is pretty standard for GPs to set up savings accounts for newborn GDs (if they can afford it) so I would not stress about that, it just seems to be a bit of tradition, the idea being it will pay for something useful when they are of age and take the pressure off the parents. But not acknowledging DD1's birthday is totally mean-spirited as money is not an issue here. At the very least it is plain bad manners.

Money isn’t a separate issue though, is it? Not treating her differently would involve them
spending the same on her that they spend on their grandchild.

Re the house - So they have helped him. It sounds like they’re not willing to invest more that could be lost in the event of a divorce, although inheritance being split may of course also be a consideration.

This is entirely normal for those with significant assets. Hell, ‘ring fence your contribution to protect your daughter/son’ is advice routinely given on here for posters that want to help their child onto/up the property ladder.

In-laws stepped in when BiL got divorced then Within 6 months SiL had an extension which DH believes was paid for by parents who DH believes gave her equivalent what they gave BiL.
Ah, so your DH was actually given the same and then you don't know whether the sister got anything or not. Money to BIL could have been a loan, and your DH doesn't know if his sister got anything at all! I had a sibling who was convinced that I was given money for living expenses at uni, I had to correct them when I eventually found out, so I've seen this type of thing first hand. You need to be so careful not to build up resentment about "facts" you guys may well have invented for yourselves, at least have DH ask his parents directly before you hold it against them.

You were annoyed they wanted to set up a savings account for her? Surely by not doing she would have been treated differently from her cousins

I will be distancing her from them

👍🏻

You say - DH gets no help as ultimately DD1 would inherit.

do you know how his as fact?