To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

[SpanishFork]

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

NO

I see both sides. in laws are entitled to take photos of just their grandchildren and you can’t expect a 5 year old to police it. I get that you feel you need to defend your eldest but this is not the way! Teach your eldest not to care that they do this. On the other hand get your DH to have a word, if they truly don’t want her in the photo then they can just take one for forms sake and then delete it if they don’t want to keep it. She’d never know and doesn’t need excluding from the general photo call!

It has been a while since I’ve been so disgusted with the behaviour of so many people all in a single post.

I don’t know what is going on in your head, but I can only assume that this situation has made you so upset, you’ve stopped thinking clearly. You seriously want your five year old to disobey every single adult telling her to come over to them for photos without her elder sister? Is she supposed to just say ‘no Nan, I’m not coming and you can’t make me. I’m staying with my sister’? At five, she’s still small enough to be scooped up and physically carried so is she supposed to kick and scream if one of the relatives comes and gets her? You can’t put that level of responsibility on a five year old! She either pisses off her grandparents by refusing to do what they ask, or she upsets you and her sister because she’s failed to stand her ground against a load of supposedly grown arsed adults. I can’t believe that any of you would turn this into an issue where the children were responsible for managing how adults behave. Fucking shame on every single last one of you, your husband and your in-laws.

If you want to stop your eldest daughter being excluded (and I don’t blame you for that at all, it’s a bloody awful way to treat her and they should be ashamed) then it’s your job to sort it. There will be at least 18 people there in a tiered garden, I can’t follow them without looking weird Are you fucking serious? You’re more concerned with looking weird than getting your five year old to solve your problems for you? I can’t believe you’re serious. That’s bloody awful. Put your fucking drink down, stop making polite chit chat with the same horrible fuckers that won’t even have your daughter, their son’s step daughter, in their photos and stand up for your child.

And where the fuck is your husband in all of this? Why is he not telling his family that their exclusion of her in family photos is shameful? Why is he allowing DD1 to be treated like she’s not his family?

Your five year old isn’t responsible for your older child.

So many many threads about older step children feeling left out, parents need to manage their children’s expectations. They are her half sisters grandparents and uncles and aunties.

It’s not your youngest child’s fault your older one’s family are shit, always the way where if the older family has ducked out they expect the new husbands family to pick up the pieces never happens when the older childs family are in the picture funnily enough.

Ok, so is your eldest genuinely upset that she is not in any photographs or is it you that is upset? You say she's never commented on not getting a birthday present so does it bother her?

Personally, if it were me and my eldest was upset, I would have a quiet word with in-laws (backed up by DH) and explain that it would be nice if there was just one photo of her put up seeing as DH considers her as his own. If they are decent people they will agree. Maybe they are just set in their ways and don't see the issue.

Don't expect a 5 year old to manage your issues. There is also nothing wrong with them wanting a photo of just their biological grandchild. If people are generally kind, polite to her that should be enough.

Maybe have a chat with your eldest and explain their side of it.

I think (remembering all of your previous threads) it’s time to stop trying to make you ILS treat your children fairly. Stop going to these family days, let DH take your youngest and you and oldest have a mother/daughter day. Dd2 can choose eventually what she’d rather be doing.

You can be honest and tell ILS that it upsets DD1 too much to be excluded and so you won’t coming anymore. You can’t exclude DD2 from her family, even though you’d want to understandably, but you’ve already said DH doesn’t care that DD1 is excluded and so you need to accept the situation as it is. The only person you can control is yourself

You need to either accept the reality that your elder child is not your in-laws grandchild, or end the marriage. No amount of posting on this forum is going to change the fact that your DH's extended family do not count stepchildren as 'proper' relatives. It is not helping either of your children for you to dwell on this.

It's sad they don't have any photos including her in their home.

It's also sad that they don't get her a birthday gift.

But you mentioned ISAs. I really don't think they are obliged to open or pay into a savings account for your DD.

I don’t see it as unreasonable for them to want some photos with just biological grandchildren in them. Anyway it’s not up to your 5 year old to sort out

I think you have posted a few times before OP. Are you also the poster who was going to boycott a wedding because your eldest wasn't invited?

In your shoes I would take a step back from these large family gatherings and let your DH crack on with your younger dd and you do separate things with your older dd. I imagine these things are a few times a year so it is doable.

There is obviously deep seated upset and resentment on your part, and now that your dd is picking up on things the only thing you can do - other than not see them at all - is step back and send your dh to these events with your youngest.

I have only posted once before.

You quoted my post which was about OP being upset about ISAs.

That's specifically what I was referring to when I said they were entitled to save their money how they like. Weird that you quote me about ISAs then banged on about something entirely different!

So are their children’s wives and husbands ‘forced’ on them and that’s just like it or lump it. I would put stepchildren in the same category. If the grandparents are unkind to my husband they wouldn’t see me often. If they are unkind to my stepchild they wouldn’t see any of us often and I’d tell them why. Here if intervene and when my stepchild was asked to take the photo step in and say no silly you get in the photo! Then I’d probably say pointedly ‘mum and dad will want all the kids in it, I’ll take it.’ Because children are precious

I don't have any children or grandchildren so maybe I just don't understand the difference between a family and non family bond but, oh my God, we're talking about a 9 year old little girl who they have known since she was 4 or 5 and who their own son is raising as his own child. How can they not love and accept her as a grandchild?! I don't see how much difference biology can really make in that.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.

Why hasn’t your OH called it out?

In your other thread you were angry that they had arranged a family party for all their grandchildren when they knew you and your eldest would be elsewhere.

That had seemed to me to be a kind thing - holding it on a day when there was no way you DD could be snubbed because she was already busy. It was only because you changed the arrangements last minute rather than stick to the agreed plan of your DH collecting her that it became an issue.

They are clearly loving and involved grandparents who dote on their grandchildren. They’ve tried to find ways to do so without hurting your elder daughter’s feelings - by having her take the photos, by giving her Easter eggs and gifts, and by holding family events when she’s already got to be elsewhere.

You’ve said they are kind and decent people. You also said they suggested your eldest use their first names when you were hoping for “grandma”.

I think you really need to make your peace with the fact that they are not going to see your eldest as family. Trying to force it or getting stressed about it is only making you more upset, and probably your eldest by extension.

Just frame it differently - plenty of stepchildren have told you they didn’t expect their half siblings’s extended family to include them.

”Going to see Rosie’s grandparents” rather than “going to Grandma’s”; “maybe Dad will take Rosie to see her grandparents while we’re at the cinema, so she gets a treat as well” etc.

Now that you do know that your DH family sometimes think differently of your eldest daughter, you and your DH should plan to off set the inequalities as best you can.

Have DH request that his parents display some photos of their step grand daughter in their home.
You, Op, set up a saving account for your eldest daughter.
Plan to have regular visits with your eldest to her biological grandparents.
Buy your eldest an extra birthday gift.
Bring extra Easter eggs to contribute to the family egg hunt.

This 100%. If your DH treats your eldest as his own, why isn't he sticking up for her?

There is a subtlety that you, OP and some other posters seem to be missing. They are not unkind to the kid, and are not excluding her from events. They are also not treating her identically to her sibling, who is their GC. If the photos is upsetting her, then most of us would expect adults to accommodate that; this may just be thoughtless. Moving into identical treatment with shared inheritance, ISAs etc is a different level altogether, and I think most step families would be surprised to find that as an expectation. If she was adopted then it's up for discussion with their son, as he will then have a permanent link to her, but mum has chosen to leave the legal tie with the girl's biological father and his family, so it's understandable why the ILs don't see that obligation when the step child then gets a potential double inheritance.

I can't believe some people's attitudes and it is so bloody sad! We've become so cruel.
My nephew joined our family when he was very young, I will admit it took some time to love him as my blood nieces and nephews, but he was always treated the same and the love eventually grew for everyone.
My brother and my parents were the leading roles in making sure he was treated the same. Everyone has such a strong bond with him and he has turned out to be a wonderful young man. He loves us so much.
When I read some opinions on here, I'm so proud of my family on how we treated him. It's not just blood for us. My heart goes out to some stepchildren, it shocks me how adults treat kids.

I remember that wedding thread OP. If that was you, his family have already made it clear they don’t care about your daughter at all, so your only sensible option at this point is for you and her to completely stop seeing them all. It doesn't have to involve any drama, you can just tell your DH that when he takes your 5 yo to see his family, you and your eldest won’t be coming and you will do something else instead.

Every time he plans to do something with his family, you plan something nice for you and your older daughter. It could become really meaningful and special time for her with her mum.

And just tell the kids that tomorrow the little one is going to see her grandparents with dad, and the older one is having some mum and daughter time.

From your posts and replies though, it sounds like you want to be stuck in this drama more than you want to protect your daughter. I really think you need to accept this is how things are, and accept that it’s up to you to protect your daughter from it without making it obvious to either child that that’s what you’re doing.

My daughter does notice the difference between how she and my youngest are treated but she knows she is not a grandchild.

When his cousin got married my eldest was not on invitation just you get who was a baby. He immediately rang his siblings to see if only babies were invited but when other nephews and nieces were he was on phone and cousin sent her an invitation.

I have not posted about this.

Photographs were taken of all the kids but then specific sets and DH’s nieces took youngest out of my eldest arms and they all asked her to step out. I did not know this until two days afterwards when she told me how it made her feel.

My DH loves his family and thinks they should be able to treat their grandchildren as long as they are not rude to my eldest, which they’re not.

He thinks that I overthink and that my daughter’s pain is because of the issues with her father’s family and this is highlighted by the normal relationships in his family.

None of this family are inherently terrible as I wouldn’t want them near either child but they see things differently and act differently to how I would.

I have never posted about that wedding. This is only my second ever post.

That’s a different op who still won’t give up and realise her child isn’t their grandchild.

Your husband is right. They don’t have to be grandparents to her as long as they are nice and polite.

Her upset is because she can see what she doesn’t have because her bio is shut.