To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

[SpanishFork]

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

I can't imagine expecting my in laws to put photos of my dc up. They include them on the day when we see them and get a small gift a Christmas when all together and that is more than enough

Yet another story of adults choosing to have children in multiple relationships and expect all the other adults to play along with their fairytale happy "blended family".

If the inlaws treat the older child fairly and kindly on the whole, there is nothing wrong with them wanting to have a photo of their grandchildren. It is not their fault (and not yours) that the older child's paternal grandparents are a bit shit, but it is really unfair to expect them to step in and compensate for that shitness and pretend that the relationship they have with your older child is the same as with the younger one.

If your husband won't address it, chuck a grenade into the situation amd force it to a head.

Take a picture of your girls together, in a frame, to the inlaws and pretend it's a lovely gift. Get the 5yo to hand it over and suggest it would look lovely next to the others.

Their move.

Can you phrase as GC and step GC will notice there's no photos of them together in your house and they'll wonder why as they are sisters.
GC may be only 5 now but she'll notice when older surely, especially given it's already upsetting her sister.

Would your eldest be upset for them to know she has noticed and is hurt? They might think she hasn't noticed or doesn't care and need telling, but I can see if she's confided in you she might not want you to tell them.

Gently, OP, this is batshit behaviour.

You and your husband need to use your words.

Why wouldn't they want a picture with just their grandchildren in? I don't see a problem.

They may not realise how hurtful their behaviour is (they should but we are not all built the same) so as others have said maybe speak to your in laws about ways they can be more inclusive. I would tell them your eldest is incredibly hurt because they love their step family and want to be part of it. Ultimately they will do as they please and you will need to manage this and your child’s feelings with honesty. Poor kid it’s so bloody sad.

BiL’s children refer to themselves as half-siblings and this annoys me but obviously not my business but it grates.

About six months after we had been at a family wedding which D H had to ask for an invitation for my eldest ( which they gave). I was hurt by something and he told me about a conversation he had had with his sister the day after the wedding where he had told her how awkward things were sometimes and his sister (not a stealth boast, had said something really nice about me) but had asked whether my eldest should be the same as her daughter to my in-laws. There is no way they will ever treat her like a granddaughter.

I don’t ever expect them to but I could never have predicted little things like photos (or fucking ISAs)!

@SpanishFork

Are you expecting the grandparents to contribute to an ISA for your daughter when she is not their bio grandchild?

If yes, I think that is spectacularly unrealistic.

Spot on, thank you for sharing

Many do see a big problem. I’ve posted this before but my DM’s friend has never treated her DSD differently from her bio DGC. She wouldn’t dream of doing so. Why on earth wouldn’t the step GD be included in the photo? All this ‘ well if you divorced they wouldn’t see her’ nonsense. How about ‘carry on like this and you won’t see either child’ - which would be my line, and DH’s.

You think they should have a savings account for non grandchildren?

A. My husband would NEVER stop our shared child seeing their family.

B. Those who advocate for this what on earth would you say to youngest about them never seeing their family?

Of course I don’t expect them to save for my eldest, I was using it as an example of the myriad of things I didn’t consider such as how hurt I am about my children having different life experiences.

Photos are one thing. Contributing to an ISA though, that would be only if your DH adopted her. Would anyone really expect this? DH relative has 4 kids, I wouldn't expect the GP of the youngest 2 to build up savings for the eldest 2, that would seem really odd. They get money from their dad and their own mum's family, I expect that is less but I don't see why it's different than cousins getting different amounts. The whole world isn't equal.

its crap she’s one little kid. Why can’t they include her? But really this needs to come from your dh. Or gift them a lovely framed picture of your kids so at least there’s one:

I had similar with Pil, not as bad but dd was 14 when DS was born so less obvious but yes more spent at Xmas , treats for grand kids my dd left out. But they did include her in everything including photos and even granddad’s eulogy. They did once put pics of me dh, ds, bil, sil and dns on a wall and dd was missing which stung a bit.

Whatever your feelings about this you cannot tell people what pictures they can and cannot have in their own home. It makes sense they might like pictures of their own grandchildren, without an unrelated child in the photograph. You need to help your elder child understand this and not expect to dictate how others choose to decorate their space.

Speak with the in laws, not the child. They could still.photoshop a picture taken of them together. Just explain how hurtful this is to the child.

completely agree Lilac. All of this “blood family” bullshit is just hurtful and totally unnecessary. How anyone can be so deliberately unkind to a child is beyond me.

There is no way they will ever treat her like a granddaughter.
I don’t ever expect them to but I could never have predicted little things like photos (or fucking ISAs)!

This is VVVVVU

She isn't their grandchild.

They are perfectly entitled to save money for their grandchild and have no obligation to save money for a child who isn't actually their grandchild. Just as your exes parents shouldn't be expected to save for your subsequent child from your current marriage.

This is all part of choosing to start over again and blend families and a choice you made, unfortunately. The resentment at the grandparents, sil and cousins seems misplaced.

This.

It would be nice if the grandparents also viewed the OP's DD from a previous relationship as their grandchild, but the OP cannot force the grandparents to do this. It is ultimately the grandparents' choice.

The OP involving her five-year old child in the issue by telling her not to have photos without her sister is batshit. Maybe the grandparents have good reasons why they would like to keep their distance.

Just to reiterate without derailing I do not expect them to save for my daughter but it wasn’t something I had factored in when my youngest was born.

This surely isn’t the same as wanting her to be in a photo.

I think YABU only to expect the 5yo to 'deal' with it. It needs to be addressed with inlaws by your DH.

My eldest had a different dad to my younger 3 and she was often excluded in lots of ways by MIL & FIL. SIL was amazing though.

In the end my (now ex) husband told them, we're 5 or 0. And MIL made a snotty comment and we never visited as a family again.

Mumble12

How did you explain that to your youngest though?

She’s not their grandchild though ?
Also if you and your husband split up they’d have photos of some random kid.