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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to resent my unemployed sister and her “difficult life”?

231 replies

Protege · 10/04/2025 10:36

My BIL has a very successful career, so my DSis gave up work 10 years ago before having DC. From the outside, they have a dream life…huge house in a desirable area, multiple luxury holidays a year, two lovely DC at a top private school, and lots of help (cleaners, ironing services, etc.). Both DC are in school, so DSis has most of the day to herself.

Despite this, she constantly complains about how exhausting and stressful her life is - how she’s always “running around like a headless chicken” with no time for anything. She expects sympathy, and never expresses any gratitude for her situation. I’ve never had a clear answer about what she does all day, though she recently let slip she goes to a health spa most days for classes and sauna.

Meanwhile, DH and I both work full-time in demanding and stressful jobs. We earn well, but we’re tied to a big mortgage and can’t afford to drop an income (which I’d love to be able to do, even temporarily). Life feels like a constant stress and struggle.

I know our situation isn’t unique, but it really stings when DSis complains to me and seems to genuinely believe that her life is harder than mine. There does seem to be a theme where, certain people stop working, and their tolerance for stress drops and suddenly the smallest things seem overwhelming?! That seems to be the case with her. AIBU to feel so resentful?

OP posts:
littleteapot86 · 10/04/2025 10:38

This would do my head in. YANBU. I agree about people who don't work having lower stress tolerance.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 10/04/2025 10:39

Obviously, she is being ridiculous to complain about how hard her life is.

But I wonder if she is actually feeling really bored and lacking in any purpose? That could be exhausting in itself?

Coali · 10/04/2025 10:39

Try to stop thinking of it as a competition and don’t engage with her about it. People have different stress tolerances. Just nod politely and change the subject.

itsgettingweird · 10/04/2025 10:39

Just respond with something like “yes - holding down a full time job while being a parents stressful isn’t it?”

See what she says!

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 10/04/2025 10:39

Everyone's stress is relative. I'm sure she feels stressed and tired out by her life, and she can't really appreciate how much harder other people's lives are. But she is allowed to feel how she feels (even if it does mean you gritting your teeth and thinking that she doesn't know she's born).

I remember being EXTREMELY poor and a guy complaining to me that because of pensions crashing and investments being lost, he was down to his last million. Sounded ridiculous to me, but it was dreadful for him.

Seeline · 10/04/2025 10:40

Do you have DCs OP - you just refer to you and DH.

Chocoholicnightmare · 10/04/2025 10:42

It's possible she's lacking some purpose in life, so to appear busy makes her feel more important. Don't react too much when she complains...or (I would) ask her what exactly she is running around doing!

jewelcase · 10/04/2025 10:42

I have a theory that most people are about as stressed as everyone else despite their circumstances. I’m a lot more stressed, on paper, than someone without kids or a job. But I’m a lot less stressed than someone in a war zone or whose spouse has just had a heart attack. Yet I find time in my day for the same amount of worry and moaning as both.

VexedofVirginiaWater · 10/04/2025 10:43

I've definitely noticed since I retired that things I would have considered trivial a decade ago seem to worry me a lot more, and I spend a lot of time stressing over stuff which I can see my sons think isn't important. I remember my mother being similar but oddly, not my father. I thought it was age, but maybe it's the not working too.

skippy67 · 10/04/2025 10:43

Are we referring to SAHMs as "unemployed" now?

Lavender14 · 10/04/2025 10:43

I think you're right in that different people have different levels of resilience and I do think it's true that when you're in the run of juggling family careers etc that becomes your norm and when you stop doing that in the same way resilience and tolerance for stress can drop. I'm guessing that she has maybe found herself lacking in purpose and maybe she feels she needs to appear busy to you incase you judge her for how she actually spends her days when you are filling yours in a very different way.

littleteapot86 · 10/04/2025 10:46

skippy67 · 10/04/2025 10:43

Are we referring to SAHMs as "unemployed" now?

I think once the kids are all in school it's not quite the same is it? My youngest starts school this year which will give me one free day per week (I work four days). I absolutely consider this me finally getting some free time. I wouldn't class it as a working day.

HoskinsChoice · 10/04/2025 10:46

skippy67 · 10/04/2025 10:43

Are we referring to SAHMs as "unemployed" now?

Yes. Because they are not employed.

Original poster
Protege · 10/04/2025 10:47

skippy67 · 10/04/2025 10:43

Are we referring to SAHMs as "unemployed" now?

Well yes… because being a SAHM means you’re unemployed, no? 🤨

OP posts:
Ohnobackagain · 10/04/2025 10:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

MrsJoanDanvers · 10/04/2025 10:50

When I was a SAHM, I didn’t consider myself unemployed. But I ran the house, did the cleaning and upkeep, washed, ironed, planned and cooked all our meals as well as childcare. I got a job when the kids started school. But someone who’s a lady of leisure-ie outsources all the household stuff and kids at school, yes, I’d consider them unemployed.

Guistarry · 10/04/2025 10:50

skippy67 · 10/04/2025 10:43

Are we referring to SAHMs as "unemployed" now?

Why not?

HoskinsChoice · 10/04/2025 10:51

I would fall about laughing if she tried the 'poor me' on me. One of my neighbours was NHS so had a huge pension and retired at 55. She claims that she is busier than her neighbour because her neighbour 'only' has a full time job as a lawyer to do whereas she has got a puppy. She wasn't kidding either, she genuinely thinks looking after a puppy is harder work than working.

bettydavieseyes · 10/04/2025 10:52

Ask her why? Try and listen. Ask if she feels unfulfilled and bored. Don't look at this as a one dimensional issue, maybe something else is bothering her.

MrsJoanDanvers · 10/04/2025 10:52

I would be tempted to ask her about her stressors though? If this person was complaining to me about how stressful her life is, I’d be asking why her life is so stressful when her husband pays for everything, her kids are healthy and well educated, she has all the free time in the world-what is she so stressed about?

HueyLouisAndDewey · 10/04/2025 10:53

Coali · 10/04/2025 10:39

Try to stop thinking of it as a competition and don’t engage with her about it. People have different stress tolerances. Just nod politely and change the subject.

This. Maybe she just can't cope as much. Maybe she has hidden difficulties mentally or physically. I lead a quiet life and I have had people make digs at my easy life. But I'm dealing with several debilitating health issues, physical and mental. You can't see it. People have no idea.

Poppins21 · 10/04/2025 10:53

Could she actually be helping her husband run his business?

HoskinsChoice · 10/04/2025 10:54

MrsJoanDanvers · 10/04/2025 10:50

When I was a SAHM, I didn’t consider myself unemployed. But I ran the house, did the cleaning and upkeep, washed, ironed, planned and cooked all our meals as well as childcare. I got a job when the kids started school. But someone who’s a lady of leisure-ie outsources all the household stuff and kids at school, yes, I’d consider them unemployed.

But if you weren't an SAHM, you'd still have to do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, planning, admin etc. So you're still less employed than someone who brings up kids AND does the cooking, cleaning, washing etc etc.

Shinyandnew1 · 10/04/2025 10:56

That would piss me off as well-I would want to say, 'wow, you do sound stressed...at least you haven't got to do all those things AND work full time'

But I would probably just roll my eyes and say nothing!

PeachesPeachesPeachesPeachesPeaches · 10/04/2025 10:57

I have a SIL like this. £500k house that her husband pays the mortgage for with his high six figure salary, two kids in full time nursery, a dog walker, a cleaner, three family holidays abroad a year and three solo trips abroad a year….they are lovely people and I don’t begrudge them any of it but it does grate when she goes on about how hard she has it, then me and DP and our disabled child go back to our 2 bed flat in a rough area and both work full time to make ends meet with no help (hired or otherwise).