AIBU to resent my unemployed sister and her “difficult life”?

[Protege]

My BIL has a very successful career, so my DSis gave up work 10 years ago before having DC. From the outside, they have a dream life…huge house in a desirable area, multiple luxury holidays a year, two lovely DC at a top private school, and lots of help (cleaners, ironing services, etc.). Both DC are in school, so DSis has most of the day to herself.

Despite this, she constantly complains about how exhausting and stressful her life is - how she’s always “running around like a headless chicken” with no time for anything. She expects sympathy, and never expresses any gratitude for her situation. I’ve never had a clear answer about what she does all day, though she recently let slip she goes to a health spa most days for classes and sauna.

Meanwhile, DH and I both work full-time in demanding and stressful jobs. We earn well, but we’re tied to a big mortgage and can’t afford to drop an income (which I’d love to be able to do, even temporarily). Life feels like a constant stress and struggle.

I know our situation isn’t unique, but it really stings when DSis complains to me and seems to genuinely believe that her life is harder than mine. There does seem to be a theme where, certain people stop working, and their tolerance for stress drops and suddenly the smallest things seem overwhelming?! That seems to be the case with her. AIBU to feel so resentful?

I don’t think this is the case as she complains to the entire family, some of whom are similarly fortunate!

OP I think it does make a difference if you don't have kids. Some parents will look at people without kids as having it easy no matter what else they have going on (not saying they should but might explain why your sister feels OK complaining to you)

So what? Unless there are issues that OP is unaware of, her sister seems to be complaining about her very luxurious and carefree life. As Chandler Bing would say 'my wallet's too small for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight'.

Well they are aren't they? They don't have paid employment

I had a friend like this. When her DH was made redundant and earned less as a result, in order to top up the take-home she took on a PT job.
A few weeks later, she approached me to say that now she was working, she couldn’t believe how much I achieved while working full-time and bringing up the DC, and said she had so much more respect for me now that she was experiencing a fraction of the working hours I did!
Having never criticised her, I felt her comment was genuine, and that she was being very honest!

So what did you consider your job? Who was your manager? And your employment rights?

or do working mums have 2 jobs?

SAHMs are an incredibly valuable and tough role but they are not in employment

This

This is my experience too. I work with a lot of “busy” people and it seems their definition of “busy” seems to be hanging around in little toxic cliques moaning about things. My life is busy to some people and quiet to others. The trick is to not care ans dissociate yourself from the competitive busyness —sitting around moaning about how busy and stressed you are—

Yes this! and vice versa.

If you don’t have kids you will never understand the mental load, it doesn’t matter if you are a struggling single parent or a married parent with money and support. There will be some sort of pressure and stress that comes with parenting children that you can’t understand until you are in that position yourself. Obviously DSIS has it “easier” than a lot of parents, but that doesn’t mean her feelings are invalid

She has too much time on her hands so obsesses over small details.

They are not unemployed either as they wouldn't appear/be counted on any unemployed register or statistics.

Most people are perfectly able to fill their hours and I can see how she genuinely feels very busy and is always running around. A friend in similar situation described me her super busy day, meaning she had to go to supermarket and then put the shopping away. As she has time, that really felt like an activity for her - she simply didn't understand that other people need to squeeze it in between more pressing matters and therefore it doesn't even register as something important. All about perspective.

I just don't understand the relationships people have with their siblings sometimes.

If my sister were moaning about stuff like this, I'd just be rolling my eyes at her and telling her to cop on, she's living a charmed bloody life and if she's busy, that's totally a situation of her own making. I wouldn't be gently trying to probe what's going on and why she's overwhelmed, give over.

Unemployed I think has different connotations to me it implies benefits and living off the state.

Here the OP sister is a SAHM/Housewife married to a man who clearly earns a lot of money and they are different

@Protege the words from the outside do a lot of heavy lifting! I imagine she is feeling trapped in a gilded cage and one she has no real means of escaping. You can be in your sisters position and unhappy

So ... do you have children OP?

I do agree though that a SAH mother of school aged kids is likely to be more busy and overwhelmed than a childless full time working person. Do you have kids, OP?

I felt stressed last week as we went away for a few days & I hate packing/travelling with dc. The day we came home I then took dc to a gp so they had childcare for the next day, did a food shop, etc went out with DH for the evening. But I am not going to moan about it to my friend who is a single mum & can't afford to go away this month & could do
with a night off.

I've no idea why any woman would give up work and become dependent on a man. All the private educations and posh holidays don't make up for the loss of identity and feelings of worthlessness.

She knows this so has fabricated a 'I'm so busy' narrative as much to convince herself as others.

High earning men tend to have flings so do not envy her lifestyle, just be yes whatever and change to subject!

So how would you describe them? Because going by the definition of employed, they are not. And yes plenty of parents are both full time employed and still available for childcare, it’s called working different days and shifts and shift patterns. My parents both worked and never used child care. We don’t use wraparound either but both work.

Absolutely this!

Unemployed I think has different connotations to me it implies benefits and living off the state.

Yikes. You might want to broaden your mind. There are very, very many unemployed people who are able to support themselves.

She is seeking your validation as she probably realises how ridiculous she sounds. You do not need to validate this. You could try ‘id love to swap places with you for a month to see what it’s like…’. Or if she is your sister just be frank and say I appreciate you’re stressed and we all deal with it differently, but you are also incredibly privileged and have the funds to do something about it or seek therapy…’. She probably won’t appreciate it because she can’t see beyond her four walls and how terribly difficult it is for her!

They all listen to too many podcasts about how busy life is and convince themselves that they are part of that narrative.

Totally don't agree.

Realistically you'll probably be catching up on tidying up after the DC, doing food shopping which you can't do as easily after work when DC needs looking after etc. It's not the same as someone who doesn't have children working 4 days as they have all the time you're doing childcare free as well as those 6 hours of school time once a week.