AIBU to resent my unemployed sister and her “difficult life”?

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My BIL has a very successful career, so my DSis gave up work 10 years ago before having DC. From the outside, they have a dream life…huge house in a desirable area, multiple luxury holidays a year, two lovely DC at a top private school, and lots of help (cleaners, ironing services, etc.). Both DC are in school, so DSis has most of the day to herself.

Despite this, she constantly complains about how exhausting and stressful her life is - how she’s always “running around like a headless chicken” with no time for anything. She expects sympathy, and never expresses any gratitude for her situation. I’ve never had a clear answer about what she does all day, though she recently let slip she goes to a health spa most days for classes and sauna.

Meanwhile, DH and I both work full-time in demanding and stressful jobs. We earn well, but we’re tied to a big mortgage and can’t afford to drop an income (which I’d love to be able to do, even temporarily). Life feels like a constant stress and struggle.

I know our situation isn’t unique, but it really stings when DSis complains to me and seems to genuinely believe that her life is harder than mine. There does seem to be a theme where, certain people stop working, and their tolerance for stress drops and suddenly the smallest things seem overwhelming?! That seems to be the case with her. AIBU to feel so resentful?

I’ve asked her multiple times what it is that’s so stressful, what is it she’s got on during the day that means she can’t get anything done. Unfortunately I never get a clear answer and it’s just waffle about how it’s all so overwhelming and life is like a whirlwind!

Ok, it's just that we constantly see the argument on here that being a SAHM is "a job".
FWIW, 2dc, and I've always worked.

“There does seem to be a theme where, certain people stop working, and their tolerance for stress drops and suddenly the smallest things seem overwhelming?!”

I’m a SAHM and I recognise that in myself - I’d add that as I approach perimenopause I’m finding things that I’d not have batted an eyelid about ten years ago now make me very anxious. I have found I needed to find something useful to do with my time outside of motherhood, otherwise I’d probably end up stressing about domestic minutiae because that’s all I’d have in my life. For me that’s various voluntary roles. I’m actually a bit sympathetic to your sister, but I do think you’d be reasonable to tell her you don’t want to be the person she complains to about this stuff.

And I don’t regard myself as unemployed - I’m not looking for work. Economically inactive is more accurate.

The jealousy here is very obvious.

I think most people complain about stress in their life regardless of their situation. My mam and dad have a paid for house, huge monthly income, no DC living at home, etc. But all I hear from them is money stress and exhaustion complaining.
We have 1 income, 2 small DC, small house big mortgage, so we always complain and stress.
Someone even worse off than both of us would find both situations hugely annoying haha. Everyone's different. Unless she specifically said that her life is more stressful than yours, then I think she's just having a rant. But yanbu to find it annoying.

I’m on the fence on this one. Here are my 2 opinions:

1. DSIS has a brilliant life and doesn’t understand hardship, is being tone deaf to your situation and genuinely believes going to the health spa regularly and waiting in for the cleaners as a busy day. Perhaps she doesn’t realise how she’s coming across.

2. DSIS looks like she has a wonderful life but mentally she isn’t coping or going through things you can’t see. Perhaps there’s something going on behind closed walls. Perhaps she does have a big mental load and has her own valid struggles and she’s entitled to moan.

Either way I’d invite her over for coffee and chat to her, find out if there’s something deep down she could use a bit of support with.

SAHM is a job made up of lots of parts. Once you’ve outsourced all those parts of the job (ie kids in school all day, kids old enough to travel to and from school, cleaner, ironer) then no job remains and you are unemployed

Her marriage might not be as happy as you think, she might not have the ability to make decisions because he's the one who controls everything, she might be under constant pressure to make everything including herself perfect (real or imagined) and she's entirely dependent upon keeping him happy for the next 10/20/30/40 years for having a home and income. It could even be an abusive marriage.

And then somebody says 'I don't know what you've got to be stressed/unhappy about, you're just unemployed and living off your husband'.

Also I can’t see anywhere in your OP where you mention having children. Having children can be a huge pressure / change your life so she might look like she’s holding everything together but deep down she’s going through it.

What actually is she doing when she is 'running round like a headless chicken'? Her children are at school all day and she outsources household tasks.

Argh yes this is super annoying, I have a sister who is similar! I do love her but have to bite my tongue quite a lot as a single working mother, and honestly I can’t help but be slightly envious of her having the luxury of being a SAHM (which I would have loved) and still being able to afford a lot of everyday luxuries that she takes for granted. I would swap my stress for hers any day of the week for sure. And I also find it galling that she mentions her stress to me of all people when she knows all of my difficulties which really make hers pale in comparison on paper.

But I know that she does genuinely feel stressed by her life! She finds things stressful that I don’t at all like the mess kids make and generally having children or having to play with them etc 🤣 I love kids! And I’m less resentful of her than I was because honestly I’ve chosen to focus more on my love for her than my frustration with her over this. And she shows me love as well, though she has no idea how hard my life is really. I can’t imagine how she’d cope in my place!

I also agree with a pp who mentioned hidden disabilities. I have bipolar disorder myself and actually I suspect my sister has a less severe form of it, plus she is quite possibly autistic and doesn’t know it, which I’ve only recognised in the last few years. Like I say I’d have jumped at the chance to be a SAHM if I’d had it, partly because I love kids and don’t find them stressful at all, but my various disabilities do make it super hard to work in multiple ways and it adds significantly to my stress, which affects my mental and physical health significantly. So definitely sometimes there are reasons some people choose to become SAHMs rather than it just being a pure choice to positively choose that.

I don’t want to become bitter, and I can see how easy that would be, so sometimes you just have to choose to see the best in people you love and not focus too hard on their shortcomings. And also look hard at your own life, what is it you are actually envious of and can you make at least some of that happen for yourself. I know you’ve said you’re tied to a large mortgage which means you can’t drop an income or part of an income but deep down is this a choice you are making? To put the big mortgage ahead of time away from work. In which case for things like this actually it has helped me to say yes, this is a positive choice I am making because I think it’s what’s best for me in my own life. And that helps!

Know lots of women in that situation and it's usually the sense of being trapped in a gilded cage without a purpose. They drift from hobby to hobby, job to job, but it's quite meaningless because they would only make a fraction of what their husband does. Their only value is doing chores and errands. She could also be depressed which doesn't discern based on social status.

You also don't know how her marriage is like. Rich men have a higher chance of becoming narcissists or cheaters, or at the very least, they're never home because they're always working. She cannot leave the marriage because she won't be able to sustain that lifestyle for herself or her kids. There is a lot you can never guess just by looking at a "perfect" family from the outside.

Even if there isn't rampant cheating or abuse going on, a lot of those families have complex transactional dynamics. A common one is the husband generously covering the bills but making the wife feel small and belittled. Or she feels constantly pressured to stay skinny or happy in exchange for her living costs. Going to the spa or gym doesn't necessarily mean wellness or relaxation but it's simply an activity to fill up time. Many rich wives go to fitness clubs because their body is their only identity. They feel a bit better about themselves after going a workout or going to a sauna but it doesn't truly make them happy.

I know a few women like this

The have too much time on their hands that's the biggest problem for them and often gravitate to other similar women and all convince each other that they have it harder and are more stressed out than anyone else and it becomes very competitive

best to ignore its very irritating that people can not appreciate when they are in a privileged position

Well she is probably vague because she knows you’re judging her. The reality is that almost everyone’s life is better than someone else’s and no matter how ‘great’ your life is, there is always something to complain about. Your life is 100 times better than that of a single mum who can’t afford to feed her kids, for example. I think your relationship with your DSis will be better if you take her for what she is and try to stop comparing your lives. If the moaning gets excessive she might need a bit of tough love, but otherwise I’d try to just be tolerant.

Your sister isn’t unemployed - she’s not seeking paid employment is she? She has chosen not to work, she’s a SAHM. While it’s not tactful for a SAHM to complain to a parent who is in paid employment about how busy they are, your sister could well be busy and rushing from one thing to another.

A different kind of busyness to your life but organising and preparing for multiple holidays, organising cleaners and gardeners and window cleaners does take up time too. As I said above, not tactful to be complaining about her life to you though.

When I was a sole parent I ran the house, did the cleaning and upkeep, washed, ironed, cooked etc. When I did all that and had a job I was an employed sole parent. When I did all that after being made redundant, I was an unemployed sole parent.

In my experience, the people who have time to moan about how busy they are, are not busy. If they were, they wouldn't have time to moan about it!

It always seems greener..
Rather like people's pain tolerance, stress is relative to the person. Maybe she's bored but sees it as stress..
Either way, yabu to be so envious. Comparison is the thief of joy, etc. Be grateful for what you have: it's more than most, less than a few have

YANBU. I have a friend like this and although I love her dearly, I am sick of her telling me how exhausted she is when I've just finished a 10 hour day then come home to cook dinner for everyone. She did work two days a week for about 6 months a couple of years ago but gave it up as it was 'too much'. I can't really say that I'm jealous of her lifestyle because it would bore me rigid, but I'm probably a little envious of the time she has to herself.

Unemployed to me means someone who wants to work but hasn’t got a job.

I’m a SAHM and no, I’m not unemployed and to imply such is condescending and derogatory. I am not seeking employment, nor do I claim any benefits.

YABU to not do anything to change the situation but complain about it. Next time she starts, ask her ''are you seeking validation or solutions?'' Then change the subject to something neutral and positive.

Perhaps she can feel how envious you are and she is trying to diffuse your envy by telling you that actually it is not all that great and there is not so much for you to envy after all?

The definition of unemployed involves being available for and seeking paid work.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I get it's frustrating but it's not really your sisters issue that you are tied to a big mortgage etc. That's obviously a choice you and DH made, and her life is the choice she makes. Just disengage when she moans, and don't listen/comment on it. Some people are negative about everything, plus who knows, maybe behind closed doors her life isnt as perfect as you think. Not working and filling my days with spas etc sounds like my worst nightmare, I would much rather be working and more skint than having my days filled with nothing.