AIBU to resent my unemployed sister and her “difficult life”?

[Protege]

My BIL has a very successful career, so my DSis gave up work 10 years ago before having DC. From the outside, they have a dream life…huge house in a desirable area, multiple luxury holidays a year, two lovely DC at a top private school, and lots of help (cleaners, ironing services, etc.). Both DC are in school, so DSis has most of the day to herself.

Despite this, she constantly complains about how exhausting and stressful her life is - how she’s always “running around like a headless chicken” with no time for anything. She expects sympathy, and never expresses any gratitude for her situation. I’ve never had a clear answer about what she does all day, though she recently let slip she goes to a health spa most days for classes and sauna.

Meanwhile, DH and I both work full-time in demanding and stressful jobs. We earn well, but we’re tied to a big mortgage and can’t afford to drop an income (which I’d love to be able to do, even temporarily). Life feels like a constant stress and struggle.

I know our situation isn’t unique, but it really stings when DSis complains to me and seems to genuinely believe that her life is harder than mine. There does seem to be a theme where, certain people stop working, and their tolerance for stress drops and suddenly the smallest things seem overwhelming?! That seems to be the case with her. AIBU to feel so resentful?

I have a friend who has teens so more independent. She is a SAHM and is always too tired, too busy to come out with us who work full time, don’t have a cleaner etc. Drives me mad. She sees no irony in telling me she is exhausted after the school term (I am a teacher!! ) I roll my eyes and don’t really engage with her so much.

Are they employed, as per the definition of the word, which is “of a person having a paid job?”

@Protege This would annoy the shit out of me too and I would honestly respond with “poor you was the health spa extra taxing today?”

I think she knows how easy she has it, but feels that she must make an effort to be stressed, as adults are supposed to be stressed and busy.

I've known a few SAHMs like this, so so busy with school pick-ups, bringing the kids to afterschool activities, getting to their tennis date! Some of them can be crass and patronising - as a working single parent I'd get the odd ' I don't know how you manage!', as I set off for work after dropping DS at school, while they were wondering what cafe to go to.

It's incredibly irritating - I don't know whether you should try rise above it and ignore, or keep drilling down into what it is she can't cope with - whatever you think would get her to stop!

A lot of people, if not most people nowadays, do all those things and are also employed, hence why people refer to SAHPs are unemployed. Unemployed outside of the home is probably a bit gentler but possibly patronising.

I know people like this - no or grown up kids. No caring responsibilities. Don’t work because husband earns plenty. Always going on about how busy their life is. I just inwardly eye roll and ignore

I have a friend who has not worked for twenty years and is a multimillionaire through her husband’s businesses. She is constantly ‘so stressed’ and talks all the time about her ‘crazy’ life. The stuff that is stressful - frequently moving house, doing houses up to sell, not using trades people so doing it all themselves - is all their choice. From the outside it all looks straightforward.
It is a challenge to remain sympathetic, but I think that the reason she is like this is because she does not have the resilience that some people have, so she genuinely is upset. I also know how she and her husband grew up - and it wasn’t easy. 🤷‍♀️

Apologies, I should have said makes you a lady of leisure 😆

I did have a time when I was placed on gardening leave for a couple of months between jobs. My kids were then I think 10 and 8 so in education full time. Over this period I stayed at home and did the housework cooking and all drop offs etc. There is work there yes, but in my fairly big house, I could not stretch it to more than a couple of hours a day. I spent a lot of time in the gym and had some fabulous lunches. By the end of the leave period, even though I liked the gym time I was bored. I do not judge anyone who stays at home with the kids, but equally once they go to school if you are comparing it to full time work, I do not think this is remotely realistic.

Well if the children are in school all day and they have a cleaner and ironing service I think that's different than having under 5s or children with a disability and no help.

YABU to feel resentful as it will just grind you down and not change your own situation.
It's tedious. In these sorts of situations I do some classic acknowledgement of their feelings, w/o giving away how I feel or trying to come up with solutions for them.

e.g. You're telling me you're exhausted and that you have no time for yourself. That must be hard for you.

That does sound a bit twatty though. It works well with unreasonable toddlers!
Or just let her talk w/o responding at all.

In what way does she expect sympathy?

Perhaps her lack of purpose is a source of stress. Or low self esteem. It's not easy knowing that others think about you the way you obviously do, OP. I don't blame you for that; clearly you're not alone in judging and dismissing your sister's value.

I think you would only class yourself as unemployed if you are looking for work, no?

I think people who are not actively looking for work are not included in the unemployed stats.

I'd tell her to pack it in as she's living a life most can only dream of. If she's 'struggling' to get things done, she can cut back her daily sauna/gym time.

A SAHM isn't unemployed. Unless we also count children and retirees as being unemployed

Anyone who refers to a SAHP as being unemployed is being deliberately condescending and rude.

A person who is out of work and actively seeking work and claiming benefits is unemployed.

A person who is at home looking after young children during the day is a SAHP, as is any parent of a child who has chosen not to be in paid employment. This person is not actively seeking work, claiming benefits, etc.

You mention that a person in paid employment does everything a SAHP does - but unless you work part-time, you are not available for after-schoo/holiday child-care, etc. You are not available to mind your pre-school children during the day, are you ?

For the same reason retired people have a habit of telling everyone they’re “busier than ever”, it’s likely just some form of subconscious self-validation.

I've worked for a number of very wealthy families. None of them was any happier than any other regular person. And in fact, they seemed to go out of their way to find ridiculous things to deliberately get stressed/upset about.

Sometimes it's actually easier to have something concrete to pin unhappiness on, like "oh, I'd be a lovely happy joyful person if I just had ......"

Caveat: living in actual poverty, at risk of homelessness, not enough food for your kids, working long hours in a demanding but soul destroying job is hell, and having enough money to lift yourself out of that category certainly can buy happiness. But beyond that, it honestly doesn't.

Do you have children OP? If not your life is not comparable in any way to your sister's.

She probably feels busy because she organises everyone else's life as well her own. Her DH probably does fuck all domestically, her DC will do loads of after school activities, someone has to employ the cleaners and organise their work.

I don't doubt for one second that she has an easier life than most, but it doesn't take too much imagination to see why she might feel stressed sometimes?

My best friend works very few hours (self employed) has a supportive DH, a great social life, a wonderful relationship with her grown up son - and yet she is continually stressed/worried/anxious/depressed. On the face of it she has everything, but sadly it doesn't stop her from feeling overwhelmed.

This sticks out to me

She expects sympathy, and never expresses any gratitude for her situation. I’ve never had a clear answer about what she does all day

Why should she "express gratitude for her situation" to you? Her life is what it is. Just because she has what looks like a nice shiny life to you, doesn't mean it is. So she has a big house/kids at private school or whatever - doesn't mean she can't have problems and should keep her trap shut "and be grateful."

As for the "I've never had a clear answer about what she does all day"
Sorry, but WTF has it got to do with you?! 🙄😂
Should she write you down her itinerary of each day to see if it meets your approval?! 😂

I say this as someone who is skint and can only dream of a big house and private schools.
It sounds like you need to work on your own issues.

Any sahms with all kids at achool age and therefore spend 6 hours a day with free time are unemployed, could work but choose not to. Therefore do not get to complain of stress.
Some of us work full time, in two jobs, manage a team, pay all the bills, do all the school runs, all the after school clubs, cooking, cleaning, ironing and all the childcare, support elderly relatives, with no outside help, and still don't complain of stress.

“the biggest problem for them and often gravitate to other similar women and all convince each other that they have it harder and are more stressed out than anyone else and it becomes very competitive”

This definitely rings true with my sister. Almost all of her friends are other mum friends from the school, who are also not working. I know from the things she’s mentioned that they all feel very hard done by and spend a lot of time moaning about their lives when they meet up.

I can understand you’re jealous. But the reality is that she doesn’t have any of her own achievements. Her financial wellbeing is entirely tied to another individual.

I’m sure we’ve all seen friends who took the SAHM path (and for some reason, never work again) and who got left in the dust when their husbands decided to cheat/leave/be abusive/become unemployed/die. It’s quite a precarious position to be in.

I wouldn’t want my sons to be responsible for another adult when they’re older and I’ll be advocating for my nieces to always pursue their own career ambitions and financial independence.

Forgot to add…I always chuckle when one of my friends, a SAHM of older primary kids talks about “running the house”. Her house is a shit tip, I literally don’t know what she does with her time 😂 🙊

I remember being an obnoxious teenager (40 odd years ago) and telling my mother, who worked part time, that housewives are basically unemployed. The umbrage she took at that comment was unbelievable and she tore me off a strip but I still say if you are not working for a wage then you are unemployed.

Everyone’s life is different. Everyone’s struggles and challenges are different. On the face of it, myself and my family appear to have a “ nice life” DD is at university, DS has an apprenticeship in his chosen field, we live in a nice part of an essentially run down town, we have a car each and eat relatively well. However, DP has Parkinson’s and I’m living day to day with two aggressive cancers in my body. I’m off sick
from work and I hate it. To others who don’t know us, they may well be wondering what we do all day. Trying to survive for our kids is the answer.

You have your life and she has hers. Leave it there. She maybe even be jealous of your life! 🤷‍♀️

Oh don’t be so Pollyanna. Everyone gets stressed sometimes, you don’t get to tell SAHMs what they can and can’t say. You go be superwoman if you want to be.

And no, I’m not “unemployed”. The term you are looking for is economically inactive.