AIBU to resent my unemployed sister and her “difficult life”?

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My BIL has a very successful career, so my DSis gave up work 10 years ago before having DC. From the outside, they have a dream life…huge house in a desirable area, multiple luxury holidays a year, two lovely DC at a top private school, and lots of help (cleaners, ironing services, etc.). Both DC are in school, so DSis has most of the day to herself.

Despite this, she constantly complains about how exhausting and stressful her life is - how she’s always “running around like a headless chicken” with no time for anything. She expects sympathy, and never expresses any gratitude for her situation. I’ve never had a clear answer about what she does all day, though she recently let slip she goes to a health spa most days for classes and sauna.

Meanwhile, DH and I both work full-time in demanding and stressful jobs. We earn well, but we’re tied to a big mortgage and can’t afford to drop an income (which I’d love to be able to do, even temporarily). Life feels like a constant stress and struggle.

I know our situation isn’t unique, but it really stings when DSis complains to me and seems to genuinely believe that her life is harder than mine. There does seem to be a theme where, certain people stop working, and their tolerance for stress drops and suddenly the smallest things seem overwhelming?! That seems to be the case with her. AIBU to feel so resentful?

Only if they are available to work. Many are not and have to wish or need to look for work.
If someone asked a SAHP what they did, I would think most would say "homemaker". If they said unemployed, people would think they were available and looking for work.

And “employed” usually means in paid work doesn’t it?

I guess the easiest thing to liken it to is your ivf. One friend of mind had her DB say to her “ how is it so stressful? Don’t you just go and have the treatment and just lie there?” But worries are worries.

Bloody hell. IVF is not like having spa treatments.

Well not really as if I were working, the. I would’ve shared the load with my dh. When I stayed at home, he didn’t have to do a thing apart from load the dishwasher and reading at bedtime. To me, that was a fair division of Labour. But if we were both working , we would’ve shared.

Yes exactly this. This is what I've seen too. It's not an age thing I don't think. It seems to happen too quickly.
I also think the human brain almost LOOKS for stress. Have you seen the stuff little kids get stressed about? "No, I wanted the BLUE cup" and then major meltdown? Or elderly people who get really panicked when they have an appointment for something really mundane before 9.30am that they might just oversleep (even though they're always up at 6??)

Buy a tiny violin, get it out & play it when she starts.

Truth is many people in offices have other people to do their admin, organise things, make everything come together. Paid work often allows the employee to focus on narrow task bands. Running your own life requires a broader skill set. My father was stunned when he stepped back from a life of business travel to find how long it took him to book a flight, hotel, corporate car etc. It had just never occurred to him. I think ( hope!) he felt embarrassed about how many times he’d asked his PA if there wasn’t a flight 45 minutes earlier with a different airline etc and she had had to rejig it all. Yes he was very skilled at what he was paid for, but it wasn’t the full cross section of life tasks.

I think she was referring more to having children than having spa treatments. The OP may not be able to see the pressures of having children just like the sister may not be able to see the pressures of having to go through IVF. My friends life might also look like the sisters from the outside but noone else knows that her eldest child is being horrifically bullied at school and her youngest son is struggling with an autism diagnosis. I would hate her to think she can't complain about being stressed just because she's rich.

Not claiming to be employed either. That’s why there are other categories….

Nod and smile, OP. It's the only way

To quote Cambridge dictionary, unemployed means people who do not have a job that provides money. SAHP are unemployed.

OP, I don't know how you can not laugh when she says she's so stressed. What on earth is she finding so stressful?

I used to feel the same about my mum. She used to work about three hours per day term time. Friday off.

The level of complaining about this job was insanity. Absolute insanity. Yes I understand that it may be hectic for the 12 hours a week you’re there, but it’s only12 hours a week! Get over it! Stop complaining!

At the time I was frequently doing more than 12 hours per day and studying for a degree part time.

It was INFURIATING

And I had this “I’ve been running around all day” nonsense.

No mum, you’ve been to work for three hours then popped into Sainsbury’s on the way home.

In this scenario, I’m the OP’s sister, though probably not as rich. My sister is a single mum, who struggled financially, but she had a lot of support from our parents while raising my nephew.

I used to work full-time, but I haven’t for over six years now - due to circumstances, not by choice. I’m currently building my own business, but we’re doing fine financially, so there’s no pressure in that regard, even though I want to do it. I miss working, but I also love being at home with/for the children.

I am perfectly aware I’m fortunate (though it is also a question of choices), and I don’t complain. But the truth is, I can’t talk to my sister about any of my problems. Her default reaction is: “You’ve got it easy - you have nothing to complain about compared to ‘normal’ people.” Or it is dismissed with 'well, you can just pay your way out of it', which I can, to a degree, but it doesn't reduce the stress of a child's ill health, for example.

Because of that, gradually, we just stopped talking about anything important and it made our relationship feel quite shallow.

Wow that’s a marked lack of imagination .

Do you really feel so overwhelmed by your job that you can’t imagine there could be anything else in life that qualifies as stress?

That is because the things that really count can’t be paid for. People that have limited funds imagine that once they have more money they will magically find life easy, exciting and fulfilling, but wealthy people have the same issues and worries as less wealthy people. They still become ill, struggle with problems and deal with bereavements/disappointments etc.

It is a shame your sister is so limited in her thinking. It sounds like she is jealous, and in order to have a relationship with you she has silenced you in multiple ways, not allowing you to be human even. I wouldn’t be keen on a shallow, muzzled relationship either.

Some people are just like this, ungrateful and annoying!

You can't have a relatable conversation and it sounds like zero substance in the relationship. You also feel really overwhelmed with your current situation, so this is stinging.

I'd try to keep meet ups to the bare minimum and scale them right back if you can. It sounds depressing for you and you don't have much spare time. So dodge it.

I would never envy that life btw. But the problem it highlights is you have too much on. Is there any way to downsize.

Yes, working mum's have two jobs!

Uncharted waters the rest of my post is not specifically in response to you, but my general observations from friends in the situation I describe.

Being a parent is a job, many of us have to 2 jobs. But raising children, whatever age they are is a job!

I'm really lucky to have a flexible job but just because kids are in school doesn't automatically mean parents can work, they may want to, but not have the right qualification to have a job, pay the bills and afford after school and holiday clubs. So end up not working because it's not straightforward and financially viable

She's insecure. She's attempting to make her life seem more significant, when deep down she knows she's just ended up a walking uterus, rolled in glitter, and has nothing constructive to do. When she sees you, living your career, being a constructive part of the universe, she more than likely feels dumbed-down, as harsh as this seems.

Look, there will always be someone better off than you and always be someone worse off than you. But we all get to complain about events in our lives to family and friends. There shouldn’t be this sort of shit can only roll uphill where the worse off can only complain to the better off.

Get a grip on your envy. You are not so helpless, you don’t have to be tied to a large mortgage. You can always downsize or remortgage with a longer term or move to a cheaper area. You may not want to, but that is a choice you are actively making, so own it.

See how you feel at her age. I was able to work 3 jobs and go to Uni full time. The only time I had off was 4hrs on a Monday. But I was in my 20s.

In my 50s, I can’t even do a fraction of that without feeling exhausted and stressed.

I had a friend like this, said she didn't possibly have time for a job between the DC and running the house. I once moved a work meeting to keep a date free to meet her for coffee, she then cancelled as it was the only possible time she had to paint her garden furniture!
I think keeping up appearances with the other private school mums was a part of her stress, but like others have said, she would worry over the slightest small thing because she didn't have big worries in her life at the time.
Sadly her husband has left her and she now works part time and doesn't have the time to stress the small stuff in the same way so does tend to moan less.

Or maybe she's actually stressed. Work isn't the only thing that causes a person stress. This is an utterly vile post.

And I'm actually pissing myself that you think most people's utterly insignificant jobs are "contributing to the universe" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣.