AIBU to resent my unemployed sister and her “difficult life”?

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My BIL has a very successful career, so my DSis gave up work 10 years ago before having DC. From the outside, they have a dream life…huge house in a desirable area, multiple luxury holidays a year, two lovely DC at a top private school, and lots of help (cleaners, ironing services, etc.). Both DC are in school, so DSis has most of the day to herself.

Despite this, she constantly complains about how exhausting and stressful her life is - how she’s always “running around like a headless chicken” with no time for anything. She expects sympathy, and never expresses any gratitude for her situation. I’ve never had a clear answer about what she does all day, though she recently let slip she goes to a health spa most days for classes and sauna.

Meanwhile, DH and I both work full-time in demanding and stressful jobs. We earn well, but we’re tied to a big mortgage and can’t afford to drop an income (which I’d love to be able to do, even temporarily). Life feels like a constant stress and struggle.

I know our situation isn’t unique, but it really stings when DSis complains to me and seems to genuinely believe that her life is harder than mine. There does seem to be a theme where, certain people stop working, and their tolerance for stress drops and suddenly the smallest things seem overwhelming?! That seems to be the case with her. AIBU to feel so resentful?

It sounds like she needs some purpose in life for herself.

You do sound jealous and unfortunately this happens to many people, we all compare we all envy something about someone else.

Everyone has stresses, having money doesn't make those go away, money can help make life easier but there's always some stress.

There's plenty on here who have cleaners etc if I had the money I'd have everything done for me and I'd have many holidays and breaks, no point having the big salary and not enjoying it.

I think YABU for the simple reason that you can call out when she starts moaning, explain why you’re cutting it out and then move on with your life.

I agree that it seems like the easier your life is, the less tolerance you have for stress. It applies to everything - people from countries with fewer opportunities or more strict environments will also look at life here like the population often whines for no serious reason.

Are you sure she isn’t actually quite depressed, or bored or lacking in self esteem? It’s not a life that a lot of people would genuinely enjoy, when it’s someone else’s achievements which provide the lifestyle, the holidays, house, cleaners etc Maybe she wonders what her role is. Maybe she’s become so used to not needing to earn, or look after the house, not even having to do the ironing! - that her resilience and self confidence have taken a battering and she genuinely feels that she’s stressed and overwhelmed.

plus of course you can’t really know what going on inside… maybe her dh is overbearing and doesn’t wish her to have more of a life. Maybe she’s secretly shitting herself about what would happen if he lost his job, got sick, left her….

any of these things are possible. One thing definitely seems certain: if she complaining all the time she’s not content with her life

What do you want her to be saying that won’t annoy you op?

I guess she might just think it’s kinder than saying “ what a shame you couldn’t have bagged a better lifestyle like me, so you aren’t all overworked and bitter and judgy.” 🤷🏻‍♀️

🩷 cycle 4 here and standing with you. I hope your IVF works soon and you have your DC. My experience has been that you need to block everyone out in a way when going through treatment, everyone will annoy you and their lives will feel cushy in comparison even though you know logically that’s not the case. You are going through something really hard and are naturally enraged by someone with what looks like an easy life pretending not to have one!

Thank you 💕

I think when you don't have work to take up your time, you tend to focus on different things. Sometimes that's helpful, eg you actually get round to getting the roof fixed, you bother to book a service for the boiler etc. But it can also mean you dwell on things that working people just crack on with, eg minor ailments, fairly trivial issues with pets etc.

I would just smile and nod and move on.

Can you limit how much time you spend with her or how often you speak to her?

I have a few sisters and the middle ones really annoy me. I grit my teeth a lot in their presence so I limit how much I see them.

Missing the point. Her children are at school

Yes this drives me mad with my retired parents and in laws! My mum was having an incredibly stressful day last week when she phoned me and spent 20 minutes panicking that Tesco mobile were switching 3G off. Completely irrelevant to her modern Samsung phone, yet it was apparently causing massive stress because she'd had a generic message about it.

Sounds like she’s trying to convince herself more than anyone else.

Shes probably quite lonely and bored.

Kindly, many people feel they do not get a break when they have kids. It’s not the same as a busy job. 9-3 is when they get things done, but there is always a dental app or a forgotten lunch. It’s much harder when you work full time as well, but it’s not easy just because she doesn’t work.

OP could have said "My sister doesn't work" or "My sister is supported by her husband" or many other ways of explaining the situation but chose "unemployed" as that conveys her judginess of the situation.

Just tell her that frankly she's got much more than many people and to think of the positives in her life. What she has got rather than what she hadn't.
You could literally say, 'well, imagine how I feel then..'

I'm sorry to hear of your IVF struggle, I can imagine it's very tough and your sister should be more supportive probably.

I do think that, consciously or not, this is why she feels she can witter on about being busy, she assumes that even with all her free time and help, she has a lot more on her plate. While she may not spend endless hours on physically doing those things, the mental load is real.

Basically you have different interpretations of busy. You're thinking in terms of hours, she's thinking in terms of tasks.

I do agree with you she should be more aware of how lucky she is though.

Equally kindly, those examples are ridiculous. I have one at school and a little one still at home. They go to the dentist twice a year outside of school hours and the older one gets lunches at school.

If you have a load of paid staff to do your laundry, gardening, cleaning there really isn’t anything you have to do in the hours they’re at school.

Op I’m working through the thread and have now caught up with your post about the ivf.

That changes my perspective on your stance somewhat.

I have been close to people going through ivf and it’s a really draining and stressful thing. You were coming across as jealous of your Dsis and actually this info makes me feel fairly certain that at some level you absolutely are - but it’s jealous I can feel very compassionate about. It’s not a case of choices but of something that can be a visceral yearning and out of your control.

You hadn’t mentioned this in your original post and yet I think it’s very central to what you are “ really ” experiencing and feeling; it certainly made what to me were incomprehensibly bitter posts about your own sister into something I could immediately grasp.

I think it’s really important when processing these feelings to look at them head on for what they really are. And I wish you luck with ttc! I’m sure you will soon be also inexplicably run off your feet with the infinite demands of being a mum.

I have a relative like this and it’s annoying, imagine much, much more so that it’s your sibling.

If you’re not close and don’t want to be would limit time with her when you feel low. If she’s usually more considerate and you otherwise get on very well and support each other you could raise it.

In my case I sometimes reflect on why the person pisses me off so much, and think for me there’s an element of jealousy and dissatisfaction with my own life choices, which of course is the bit I could seek to do something about!

Agree, I have a few friends that have gone through ivf and it took a hugle toll on their mental health. Even those who already had a child, and were trying for a second. It's hugely impactful and your sister is insensitive to your struggle.

Not when the kids are on school and you've outsourced all your chores to someone else

I think in your shoes if it's annoying you I'd simply reply with "Hang on a minute, I have the world's tiniest violin here somewhere".

Fml, I'm a temporary SAHM (half way through a 2 year sabbatical) and I would sell a kidney for an hour in the sauna 🤣🤣. Lots of work keeping 1 year old happy and running the house. I don't class myself as unemployed, as my job held for me and I'm still in occasional contact.

Generally my days are busy, but I wouldn't say stressful. I'm a year into my leave and I can honestly say I absolutely do not miss work arm. I love my job and look forward to going back to it when little one is 2.

That said, stress is different for everyone, perhaps my one child is a dream compared to others? Perhaps having more than 1 is (probably definitely) much much harder.

The Office of National Statistics does not count SAHPs as unemployed.

Like students, volunteers and unpaid carers, SAHPs are not considered part of the paid workforce. Volunteers, unpaid carers, and SAHPs are considered part of the unpaid workforce.

Ignore her, her life isn't difficult in comparison to your life, but your life is better than a lot of other people.

Tell her she is being ridiculous and if she continues to bore you, stick your fingers in your ears and sing, she'll get the message.