AIBU to resent my unemployed sister and her “difficult life”?

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My BIL has a very successful career, so my DSis gave up work 10 years ago before having DC. From the outside, they have a dream life…huge house in a desirable area, multiple luxury holidays a year, two lovely DC at a top private school, and lots of help (cleaners, ironing services, etc.). Both DC are in school, so DSis has most of the day to herself.

Despite this, she constantly complains about how exhausting and stressful her life is - how she’s always “running around like a headless chicken” with no time for anything. She expects sympathy, and never expresses any gratitude for her situation. I’ve never had a clear answer about what she does all day, though she recently let slip she goes to a health spa most days for classes and sauna.

Meanwhile, DH and I both work full-time in demanding and stressful jobs. We earn well, but we’re tied to a big mortgage and can’t afford to drop an income (which I’d love to be able to do, even temporarily). Life feels like a constant stress and struggle.

I know our situation isn’t unique, but it really stings when DSis complains to me and seems to genuinely believe that her life is harder than mine. There does seem to be a theme where, certain people stop working, and their tolerance for stress drops and suddenly the smallest things seem overwhelming?! That seems to be the case with her. AIBU to feel so resentful?

I know a few people like this. One was an ex colleague who literally made up her job and spent the whole day on the phone to people for hours telling them how busy she was. In the end I told her to pack it in, but the time wasted was absolutely phenomenal and she was a day rate contractor on a very hefty sum!

YABU, jealousy isn't a good look OP.

She sounds extremely annoying.

God, that would really annoy me too. I remember being so frustrated with numerous SAHMs complaining to me in the playground how exhausted they were when our kids were smaller (and all at school). They ALL had spectacularly easy lives materially speaking and had family close by who did loads as well, and husbands who pulled their weight.

I was run ragged working full time, struggling financially with no help at all, paid or otherwise, and coping with an abusive twat of a husband (since got rid of him!). It drove me nuts. I used to try to put a vaguely sympathetic face on, then rush off to work and grumble to myself in the car. More difficult with people you're closer to, though.

This gets rolled out on every SAHM thread. Is it so incomprehensible that not every woman harbours dreams of being dependent on a man? Knowing someone’s fake busy is ridiculous and annoying doesn’t mean you want to be like them ffs.

I think the more time I have on my hands the more I find things to worry about. Busy is less stress to me than, god forbid, time alone with my thoughts 🤣

In a nutshell, it's her personal justification (embellishing the truth) for in reality being idle most of the time 😊

Unemployed is someone out of work who is looking for work and is currently available for work and is actively wanting to work but can’t - to me

i apologise the benefits thing was really not needed there as a lot for me don’t count as being unemployed (Carers Allowance/PIP etc)

if you are supporting yourself by not working to be that isn’t unemployed

For those asking, no, we don’t have children. We’ve had numerous unsuccessful IVF cycles, something that is still ongoing. So that’s another thing we are trying to juggle while working stressful jobs, which DSis is well aware of.

Yabu and sound quite jealous

She's not unemployed, she doesn't need to work, unemployed means looking for work.

I've done sahm/pt/ft so have no bias here. Fwiw i found SAHM ing the least stressful, but i find PTing the most enjoyable.

I don't want to be superwoman. Its just a fact that some of us have to do all these things and just get on with it.
If you're literally just dropping the kids off then putting the wash on, then going to your gym class.. cooking some dinner... then it is not stressful. I have done that for a year while on mat leave, it was not stressful.
I personally think SAHMs with kids at school are basically lazy and want someone else to work and pay for their lifestyles, ie their husband.

Or alternatively she may just be stressed about completely different things.

I know someone in a similar situation who isn’t indulging herself with all the gym and salon visits. Her DH more or less implies that he supports her so they can ensure the Dc are ultra successful with all their sport music etc and she “ has the time” to keep herself looking too top for him. 🙄 Imagine living with that sort of stress.

Personally I would leave rathet than live under this sort of patriarchal oppression.

But maybe your dinner isn’t what she feels under pressure to produce - given all the people like yourself who think she has plenty of time.

Lives are what they are from the inside, not the outside.

Yes, absolutely.

Well there you go.

She's not unemployed and the fact you describe her in that way speaks volumes.

Have you ever spoken to her about it OP? Like telling her you're worried about her mental health since she never gives you a clear answer about what she finds so overwhelming, and that she seems to have lost a sense of perspective given she is moaning about being busy to someone who works full time and does all their own chores

My point, is that to leave, they would have to give up the lifestyle, get a job etc. But on balance, they don't want to. As they would still have to fit everything in, salon ( for yourself not the man) gym, running kids around and ensuring the kids success and work a job at the same time.

Well, DC are in school. It's not like she has children to look after during the day 🤷

That’s not always the reason.

Lots of people feel their children benefit from the parents being together - and given the complicated threads on here about blended families, provided the parents can co-exist civilly, that isn’t necessarily a totally groundless attitude.

Moreover, people can love people regardless.

I think rather than being envious you would be better to focus on what makes your sister tick.

It’s even possible she is living a pretty horrid existence.

Dunno, I think its a weird thing to be competitive about. There's no standard for feeling exhausted or overwhelmed. Somebody else saying they feel run ragged doesn't impact me at all, it doesn't make me any less busy or stressed. Everyone's circumstances are fairly unique to them and they'll respond in different ways to them.

There is also a really strong societal narrative that being very busy and very stressed is a sign that you are important and valuable. So of course people want to convince themselves that they're in that category.

I can see why her behaviour would be annoying.

I'm going to derail here. You say yourself that you're tied into stressful, demanding roles due to your high mortgage. Why couldn't you move somewhere cheaper so that you don't both have to be in stressful, demanding roles?

It sounds very annoying and also mean given your update that you have had unsuccessful ivf treatments.
I would repeat: "I'm sorry you find life to hard" and ignore.
I don't work and have a large family etc. I would feel embarrassed to talk about feeling overwhelmed to any of the working women in my life. I recognise I am in the privileged minority.