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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS(8) not invited to party

562 replies

idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 14:01

Dh used to compete and be a sports coach so we have a section of our garden built up and dedicated to that sport. He just teaches our dc and they play there now.

Ds has mostly had garden parties and then and on play dates his friends play there also.

Mum of one of his friends at a past play date mentioned her ds would love to learn do the sport and do something like this for his birthday but couldn’t find anywhere near.
Dh said that he’s welcome to come and practice whenever and actually could have party here if she couldn’t find anywhere else.

It was then agreed her ds could have his party in our garden and borrow equipment we had but that obviously over wise party organising is her responsibility. She has other entertainment, food arranged ect, party is quite soon.

She’s now said that she doesn’t think my DS should come as she’s worried the fact it’s his house/garden and he is good at the sport will take the shine of her DS and people will think it’s my DS’s day instead. And as it’s an out of school friend he would only know a few of kids anyway.

She never specifically said ds was invited we just assumed and we probably agreed based on that assumption.

I don’t think its fair to have ds locked in the house or taken out when his friends and boys his age playing in our garden and am shocked she thinks this is an okay suggestion.

AIBU it’s only fair ds goes?

OP posts:
ChateauMargaux · 09/04/2025 14:40

Wow Marjorie, this is rather awkward - did you think this through? So you think it would be entirely reasonable that DS would know his friend's party was going on, in his own back garden, but he would not be invited? I hope that it is because you were not thinking rationally, that we can agree that it was a thought that should never have been voiced and we can pretend it never happened.

But maybe TravellingJack's approach is better..

WavyRavey · 09/04/2025 14:41

Wow that's horrible!

AyeDeadOn · 09/04/2025 14:41

Cheekiest fucker ever! I'd love to cancel if it were me but I'd take a breath, calm down and do what's best for your son, whatever that is. Probably I'd reply "Are you seriously suggesting I ban my son from his own garden because he is good at (insert activity)? No chance! Im sure (her sons name) will cope. " and see what she comes back with.

notacooldad · 09/04/2025 14:42

Dont be such a bloody wet lettuce and let her take the mick.
You are going to have all these people in your garden presumably traipsing in and out to the toilet using your sports equipment etc.
I would message her saying ' Are you for real? you want our john to stay in while his mates are having a party in our garden!
Please find another venue. The party is not happening here.

I would tell your son why as well. I would let him know that it's because he is so good at the sport. No point lying. Stories will come out that you were a meanie, he may as well have the truth.

AlwaysPerfumed · 09/04/2025 14:42

I understand where you are coming from and the heartache it will cause your son if you tell her to take the party elsewhere.

On that basis, I would go ahead with the original plan but that would then be the end of the penny section and her child would not be coming along to practice the sport at any other time.

You must tell her that the party may go ahead-thus letting her know that you were considering cancelling it-but your son will be attending and you don't expect him to be treated any differently from the rest of the guests.

I would also be putting firm start and end times on this party, as you don't want her sitting around drinking wine with selected friends when the party is finished.

Hwi · 09/04/2025 14:42

TheaBrandt1 · 09/04/2025 14:30

Who is more important her or your son? When you are 80 who will be sitting with you? Her or your son? Fuck her basically op keep your perspective.

Judging by the outrageous attitude to MILs displayed on MN, nobody will be sitting with the OP when she is 80, well, certainly not her son - if the society functions the way it does now, the DIL would be commended here, on MN (if it still will be going strong) for 'keeping the boundaries, even on mother's day' and the OP will be in a home, together with the cf woman in question, if they stay in the vicinity (care homes will all be municipal and free by then with our lovely communist government).

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/04/2025 14:42

idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 14:31

Just to be clear ds know when party is and thinks he’s invited (as we assumed he was), he’s excited.
I wasn’t planning on telling him he wasn’t invited and if we cancelled he would be upset and we would have to give him a reason or he’d hear it from friend at club.
ds is obviously my priority, I just think it might be easier for him if he was reluctantly invited but didn’t know that than if we cancelled the whole thing last minute because he wasn’t wanted there.

I'd be concerned about how the party is going to go if the birthday boys mother has had no issues with telling you that he actually isn't invited. What is she going to do at the party when your son is joining in, better than her son and takes the ''shine'' off of him?

It certainly isn't going to be anything positive for your son and in his own home too.

ChateauMargaux · 09/04/2025 14:42

Or - gosh, that reframes things somewhat - I think this could mean we might be responsible for any injuries or accidents that happen in our garden while we were not present. I am sorry - I don't think we would be comfortable with this arrangement.

PrincessScarlett · 09/04/2025 14:44

That's a very good point about a child getting injured using the sports equipment. I would have not even entertained the idea of running a sports party. There's a reason these trampoline parks and the like get customers to sign a disclaimer. I would be looking into this as a matter of urgency. Also, what if the kids break your DHs equipment?

Not to mention this mum is a complete CF having a party at your house and using your DHs equipment and not allowing your son to attend. Is she even paying you?

Hydwangea · 09/04/2025 14:44

She’s nuts. Definitely rescind the offer

XWKD · 09/04/2025 14:44

"It's not up to you to decide who I let play in my garden."

Original poster
idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 14:45

We have an annexe where adult SC used to live where people would use the bathroom and food could be kept.

OP posts:
murasaki · 09/04/2025 14:45

idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 14:45

We have an annexe where adult SC used to live where people would use the bathroom and food could be kept.

And will she be cleaning that afterwards?

I think not.

nomas · 09/04/2025 14:46

Ricepudpud · 09/04/2025 14:36

I'd send an invoice of £150 for hire of venue and equipment to be paid a month in advance of the party.

Use the money to take him out for the day to do something really nice.

However, no pay, no play!

CF!

Yes, this also.

Are they paying?

AlphaRadiationIsHeliumNuclei · 09/04/2025 14:46

If she's cheeky and rude enough to suggest this what else is she capable of?

Cancel.

Eggsboxedandmelting · 09/04/2025 14:46

Just send a breezy" ha you had me going there... I am sure guests will know who's party it is, ds will be on hand if anyone needs any help using the equipment.. Hopefully all of the dc will have a great time. ".
From op..

finallydecorating · 09/04/2025 14:46

I would say to them - no way can you invite DS from a party in his own garden at this late stage. The offer of free access to all your space and equipment comes with DS too!

Say you'll have a word with DS about how to be a good host / help make sure the birthday boy had a nice time. Be friendly and breezy but don't compromise!

Cheeky fuckers honestly!

Lovegame · 09/04/2025 14:46

toomuchfaff · 09/04/2025 14:09

This.

"If that's the case then I'm going to have to rescind the offer, as we are unwilling to vacate our home and garden for you to hold an event"

I'd not reignite it if she backtracked either. Your house is now off the table.

Show quote history

Yes! This!

W0tnow · 09/04/2025 14:47

Wait, what?

Your son and this boy are friends. The boy’s mum wants to use your tennis court area (or swimming pool, or trampoline, or rock climbing wall, or whatever) in your backyard to host her son’s party. Your son is quite good at tennis (or rock climbing, or swimming…etc) because he has regular access to his own facilities.

You’ve offered access to your backyard, and it’s facilities for this boy’s party. As a favour. The mother doesn’t want to invite your son (despite him being a friend) because he is quite good at (insert activity here), and will therefore steal the limelight from her son.

Is that right?

Where does she suggest your son go on the day? What if one of the other kids turns out to be quite good at (insert activity here)? I can’t believe what I am reading!

Mummypie21 · 09/04/2025 14:47

That's horrible. I can't believe the other mum would have the audacity to suggest that. Is she asking your ds not to come at all to the party or just the games? (Not that it's any better, but at least he would get food and cake).

WheresYourSnickers · 09/04/2025 14:48

idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 14:45

We have an annexe where adult SC used to live where people would use the bathroom and food could be kept.

Don't even think of offering this!!!

DuskyPink1984 · 09/04/2025 14:49

Wow, what a nasty woman she is! How could she treat a child that way?

AlphaRadiationIsHeliumNuclei · 09/04/2025 14:49

If you're not careful OP you will find that she's offering your garden and annexe to other people.

You need to nip this in the bud right now.

SonK · 09/04/2025 14:49

She doesn't deserve your space at all - I am actually shocked.

Also, it's not nice for your son as he wasn't initially invited.

I know you want your son's best interest...but I would rescind the offer.

Don't say it's because your son is not invited - can you book something on the day and say you have a family outing? Also, just cut her off - what a loser, I would never speak to her again!

Silverstars21 · 09/04/2025 14:50

It's unbelievable the amount of discord amongst families birthday parties seem to cause nowadays,especially with all the competition going on to provide the biggest,best & most original.

In reply to this issue you ANBU to absolutely insist your son attends this party. I would explain to the birthday boys mother your son doesn't mind that he doesn't know everyone & would love to join in. If she still refuses I would remove the offer.