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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS(8) not invited to party

562 replies

idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 14:01

Dh used to compete and be a sports coach so we have a section of our garden built up and dedicated to that sport. He just teaches our dc and they play there now.

Ds has mostly had garden parties and then and on play dates his friends play there also.

Mum of one of his friends at a past play date mentioned her ds would love to learn do the sport and do something like this for his birthday but couldn’t find anywhere near.
Dh said that he’s welcome to come and practice whenever and actually could have party here if she couldn’t find anywhere else.

It was then agreed her ds could have his party in our garden and borrow equipment we had but that obviously over wise party organising is her responsibility. She has other entertainment, food arranged ect, party is quite soon.

She’s now said that she doesn’t think my DS should come as she’s worried the fact it’s his house/garden and he is good at the sport will take the shine of her DS and people will think it’s my DS’s day instead. And as it’s an out of school friend he would only know a few of kids anyway.

She never specifically said ds was invited we just assumed and we probably agreed based on that assumption.

I don’t think its fair to have ds locked in the house or taken out when his friends and boys his age playing in our garden and am shocked she thinks this is an okay suggestion.

AIBU it’s only fair ds goes?

OP posts:
murasaki · 09/04/2025 14:14

Gall10 · 09/04/2025 14:11

I’d still let the party go ahead but I’d charge an entrance fee per child…maybe around £19.99 per head (money to go towards toilet facilities, hand washing, towel laundry, carpet wear & tear, presents for neighbours before they complain about the noise made by children who don’t live at your property, waste disposal etc etc etc)
If this isn’t agreeable she can a,ways find somewhere else!

This is a good point, there will be a load of kids traipsing through your house, using your bathroom, kitchen and living room, while your kid isn't allowed out. No way.

And I agree that it's insulting to your son to be 'allowed' in order to facilitate her showing off.

RedHelenB · 09/04/2025 14:15

idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 14:08

Thankyou for the replies, I hadn’t yet replied but needed to check I wasn’t being unreasonable and missing something.

Party is very soon and would be putting her out a lot to cancel. I think the most reasonable option would be to just insist it’s only fair that ds gets to go and I think she would agree to that above cancelling the whole party.

Mummy martyr time. Tell her NO.

Ladyluckinred · 09/04/2025 14:15

So she wants her son to learn the sport but doesn’t want your son, who is experienced, to be there and perhaps teach the other kids a thing or two? Sounds like she’s on a power trip. What kind of person tells someone to leave their own house?! She’s not bloody paying you anything either. OP, I don’t even think you should insist on your son being there, if you do decide to let her have the party at yours, your son will be there, you don’t need to tell her, it’s his house! However, I would cancel it because she’s clearly an entitled dickhead.

noidea69 · 09/04/2025 14:16

Blimey. What does your DH think to this ?

what is she expecting your son to do on the day of the party, sit in the house looking out at of the window at all the other children having fun in his back garden.

QuillBill · 09/04/2025 14:17

She’s mad as a box of frogs. I think you should tell her she can’t hold her child’s birthday party in your garden using your dh’s equipment. I would not want my ds at the party anymore as he’s not wanted there!

It’s completely outrageous to suggest that your ds isn’t invited to a friends birthday party in his own home because he’s good at the activity! It’s a step up from Bob Cratchett.

Tooshytoshine · 09/04/2025 14:18

I think I would be disingenuous if I wanted to maintain the friendship...

"I have read this a couple of times and am wondering if you have mistyped or I have misunderstood your message?"

Make her explain and hopefully she will check herself before she wrecks herself...

Rewis · 09/04/2025 14:18

My default assumption is that people suck. Yet, sometimes I'm still shocked how shitty they can be

Original poster
idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 14:19

I can definitely see the idea of cancelling as appealing and I will try and avoid future involvement with this women

But DS is friends with this boy and they do a club together, If we cancelled at short notice it would obviously be spread around that we are horrible and ds might loose friends. Also it’s not her DS’s fault really.

OP posts:
OlafPie · 09/04/2025 14:20

murasaki · 09/04/2025 14:03

I'd be rescinding the offer, she is taking cheeky fuckery to new levels here.

Absolutely this!

Original poster
idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 14:22

noidea69 · 09/04/2025 14:16

Blimey. What does your DH think to this ?

what is she expecting your son to do on the day of the party, sit in the house looking out at of the window at all the other children having fun in his back garden.

He’s at work, probably will be braver than me and want to cancel.

im just worried about repercussions for ds if we do.

OP posts:
murasaki · 09/04/2025 14:22

So where's she doing the party tea, your house or hers? Where are all these kids going to the loo? You're being massively taken advantage of here. Does your son know he's not invited, and won't a late invitation upset him?

Doseofreality · 09/04/2025 14:23

idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 14:19

I can definitely see the idea of cancelling as appealing and I will try and avoid future involvement with this women

But DS is friends with this boy and they do a club together, If we cancelled at short notice it would obviously be spread around that we are horrible and ds might loose friends. Also it’s not her DS’s fault really.

They are not friends, if they were there would be an invite to the party.

I’d let the party go ahead but I’d set up a BBQ right in the middle of it. I’d also decided that it was a really good time to jet wash and in between I’d be loudly telling all the party attendees that they weren’t allowed to stand where the were as that wasn’t part of the free venue hire contract.

TheSnootiestFox · 09/04/2025 14:23

idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 14:19

I can definitely see the idea of cancelling as appealing and I will try and avoid future involvement with this women

But DS is friends with this boy and they do a club together, If we cancelled at short notice it would obviously be spread around that we are horrible and ds might loose friends. Also it’s not her DS’s fault really.

So you'd allow your son to be treated so appallingly just to save face? If anything, it needs spreading around that the other mother expected to use your garden for a party and not invite your son!

Grow a pair woman, you ds needs to know that you have his back and this is how you handle a situation like this, or else he'll repeat your behaviour and be taken advantage of for his entire life!

anon4net · 09/04/2025 14:24

The fact she would think of excluding him and then request this without any thought to how your son would feel, tells exactly what her character is. Please do not entertain this.

Next steps are simple. I think most people would simply rescind the offer completely - with good reason. Though I'd probably simply give her the option of an invite. I'd probably also say I ran the situation by a several Mums to check I wasn't being unreasonable and they very much agreed and said they were surprised you would even suggest leaving my son out and punishing him for our generosity. I think she needs to be taken down a peg or two and feel a bit embarrassed about her actions.

She is next level!

Please let us know what happens.

[Just read your update, please please do not make your son a doormat to keep in good favour. There are many instances as a parent that you need to stand firm with others. This is one.The message to your son if you don't, is terrible. He deserves friends, not to be used by people who take what they want from him and disregard him when they've got what they want.]

Dontlletmedownbruce · 09/04/2025 14:25

Her argument doesn't even make sense. You say she says 'people will think it’s my DS’s day instead', why on earth would they think that when her DS has invited them? Half them dont even know your DS. I'd just say my DS comes with the garden or else you'll have to find an alternative venue. Hopefully she'll agree to let DS go and they will all have a lovely time but she has shown her true colours to you. I think it's important your DS understands it isn't his party and he needs to wait his turn with other kids, in a way it would be easier for you to take him out for some of the day but I would make a point of now of making sure you are all there in the way for the entire duration. What a horrible woman.

Poppyseed14 · 09/04/2025 14:26

She's a CF OP. But I'd also be worried about the repercussions if one of the children were to get injured on the equipment. As you're effectively renting it out for a private party. On that basis alone I'd tell her no.

Crunchymum · 09/04/2025 14:26

I am just agog that you agreed to host some random party to begin with.

I know it's in your garden but surely the kids will need to come into the house to use the loo?

I think it's too late to cancel (and it's not the birthday child's fault) but I'd be sending her a strongly worded message telling her you are doing her a massive favour and do not expect your DC to have to spend the afternoon indoors / kept away.

I'd be meeting her cheeky fuckery head on by asking her for a donation for your garden and equipment.

Comedycook · 09/04/2025 14:27

Wow.

No good deed goes unpunished

murasaki · 09/04/2025 14:27

Poppyseed14 · 09/04/2025 14:26

She's a CF OP. But I'd also be worried about the repercussions if one of the children were to get injured on the equipment. As you're effectively renting it out for a private party. On that basis alone I'd tell her no.

Good thinking, you could use lack of public liability insurance as a get out if you really don't want to call her out in her outrageous behaviour.

Even though you should for your son.

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 09/04/2025 14:28

Tell her there is an issue with public liability insurance and you cannot go ahead without it.
No arguing with that.

MayaPinion · 09/04/2025 14:28

Complete CF! I’d reply, ‘You’re expecting my DS to remain indoors while his friends come round and play on his equipment while he’s not even invited to join them? That’s absolutely not happening and I’m astounded you think that’s appropriate. You will need to find somewhere else to host the party as you are no longer welcome here.’

TheaBrandt1 · 09/04/2025 14:28

Don’t do this op your poor son will remember it forever and she is a random

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 09/04/2025 14:29

Sorry, missed previous post re insurance. Sat in dentists awaiting tooth extraction, not thinking straight!

murasaki · 09/04/2025 14:30

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 09/04/2025 14:29

Sorry, missed previous post re insurance. Sat in dentists awaiting tooth extraction, not thinking straight!

Poor you, hope it isn't too painful!

Watermill · 09/04/2025 14:30

This is taking cheeky fuckery to Gluezilla levels.