18 year old son driving me to depression

[YawnSoTired]

He left school last summer. No joy finding a job. No friends, doesn't leave house. Doesnt think to do anything in house unless asked to. Can't find any courses he's interested in. Literally has no interest in doing anything. Has piled weight on. I have no idea what to do. He isn't depressed. What do I do kick him out?

I find it funny you put 'shagging' alongside all those other things...

I would change the WIFI password and only have it on between 7 and 8am, and after 5.30 in the evenings (basically outside normal working hours). He also needs to be doing his own chores and volunteering until he finds a job (this will help him find a job).

I would give him an ultimatum further education or apprenticeship. Go along to some open days and look at options. He’s had nearly a year to sort this and hasn’t. He can’t spend forever hiding from the world.

Ask him to help you find part time work, or volunteer job. You need his help …. Lead in to both of you looking but mostly him

They have to be in education or training eg apprenticeship until 18 now anyway !

Don’t beat yourself up. Or get angry with your son. This is really really common right now. And it’s very easy to get into a rut if you’re not working. My DS is similar.

The job market’s very tough right now for everyone. It’s particularly hard for young people to get a job. Many graduates are struggling to get a first job. Even a lot of voluntary work is highly competitive.

I never used to get out of bed until at least lunchtime when I was young (until early 30s), unless if I had to be somewhere (e.g. uni, work). I was a night owl. Young people are much more nocturnal. My teen/adult DSs rarely get up before 1pm when they have nowhere to be. But as parents, who’re used to getting up early, we sometimes forget this.

Be gentle with him - IME getting stroppy or making ultimatums is counterproductive. He must be feeling rubbish already. Encourage him to get into a bit of a routine. Encourage him to do some sort of volunteering if he can get it. Suggest he signs up with a few agencies and is proactive in contacting them every couple of days. You have to persistant. Encourage him to apply for courses starting in Sept/Oct.

With housework, I find specific responsibilities help, e.g. he cooks dinner on Mondays and Wednesdays, including deciding what to make and buying the ingredients. He does his own laundry. He cleans the bathroom every week etc.

Why would he work if he can get free food and board while playing PlayStation all day?

I’m also particular with laundry. And my DC are the same. You have to be very clear that he shouldn’t overfill the machine, as it can knacker the drum/motor. While I hate half loads for environmental reasons, I let it go with them doing their laundry, as they key is they do it. And I don’t want them doing mine.

This is very normal for an 18 year old. They’ve spent their teenage years socialising via games. 2 years of missed socialising because of Covid doesn’t help.
i think 18 years old is still young enough not to realistically ‘throw him out’. There aren’t the jobs and shared houses etc out there as there were in the past.
I’d talk calmly to him, give him a ‘year out’ then suggest Work Away ( work abroad for accommodation/food).
He’s obviously bright if he got good A levels, he’ll get bored and realise he needs something more. Good luck, I’m sure you’re not alone in this situation

@YawnSoTired what about something like this

https://bootcamps.manchester.ac.uk/cyber-security/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=adw-manchester_cybersec_langEN_locUK_g__kw_cybersecurity%20course&utm_id=21911264398&utm_content=group_cs_cyber_security_course&utm_ad=721384243637&utm_term=cybersecurity%20course&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAqyw3T3DZ9EQg-VyIZ-BE_rJNMQ-v&gclid=CjwKCAjwtdi_BhACEiwA97y8BPJyo-XEZ5_N4yuxCjhkZiOA1lCMoteuPKVMkipa-iaAUKo2PkAKIxoCS7cQAvD_BwE

less intimidating than a full course but maybe even more helpful?

Social anxiety is the norm if a child has been gently nurtured and is a gentleman. Please don't chalk it up to 'mental health disorders'.

Most 18 year olds with 6K sitting in the bank would either be out burning through it, or taking money serious that he'd have found a way to make more.

I'd say he's feeling overwhelmed and found himself into bad habits.

There are similar jobs as mentioned above, Cyber Security will always be an industry with need, or working in IT and moving into a specialist role from there. What about engineering? A design engineer?

Don't go cold turkey on things like washing and shopping, but do give him a week or two of training and expectations to get to grips with it then leave him to it. Maybe tell him he's in charge of the weekly shop til he's got a job/college etc. and kindly he doesn't have to know what he wants to do forever, any course that has any remote interest to him will still give him some social experience, get him out and back into a life routine as well as look good on a CV.

I hope he finds his happiness

Apologies, I think you've misunderstood my post, perhaps poor wording on my part. I did not say you weren't parenting, I was suggesting things you might try under the "parenting" heading to develop his confidence and skills.

Really sounds like he could be depressed from the description... I'd be finding him help and support, and helping him to find what it is he'd like to do for study or a job, not throwing him out.