18 year old son driving me to depression

[YawnSoTired]

He left school last summer. No joy finding a job. No friends, doesn't leave house. Doesnt think to do anything in house unless asked to. Can't find any courses he's interested in. Literally has no interest in doing anything. Has piled weight on. I have no idea what to do. He isn't depressed. What do I do kick him out?

What A levels did he study, what were his results? What kind of jobs is he applying for? Is he really putting effort into the applications because if he just treats it as a box-ticking exercise he is never going to be successful. The competition is fierce and the jobs are going to those who really make the effort in their applications.

He also needs to get out and do some volunteering, even if it is not an area in which he is interested. There's another batch of A level students on their way out of college in a few months and he is going to look stale against them. An 18 year old who (in the eyes of a prospective employer) has sat around for 10 months doing nothing is not an attractive proposition.

He won't find a job stuck at home.

He is an adult, you are a parent. Let's start with you parenting ... show him how to do tasks e.g. clean the bathroom, then put it on his list. Keep growing the list until he can do everything. Same when you are cooking - he's got to help, then start cooking himself. Being able to "do" things will develop many skills he can use at work/in life.

An easy starting point would be to stop washing his clothes and cooking most meals for him. He can sort his own breakfast and lunch and could easily do a couple of dinners per week.

He can and does do cleaning cooking etc just needs to be asked to as ive previously said.
I find this quite offensive telling me to parent. Would you say this face to face I don't think you would. Posts like this are exactly why some are scared to post.

He does see to his breakfast and lunch as I'm out. I don't mind doing laundry as doing mine anyway.

If he is not interested in going to university why not look at Apprenticeships? They offer training in a job, a wage, experience in working and often the placement will offer permanent employment at the end of the apprenticeship. My grandson did this at the end of school and although the company didn’t take him on at the end of the apprenticeship, he has never been out of work since & he is now 25 years old.

I wouldn’t kick him out but i would put some firm boundaries in place and explain to him that you want to help him etc. At 18 i was working full time and paying £120 a month board to live with my parents. i suggest taking him to the doctors or suggesting a youth club for him to attend to make some friends

You may not mind doing his laundry - but do you want him to have a wife and family some day? Stop teaching him by example that women will do everything for him.

I didnt have this problem because my child always knew that doing nothing was never going to be an option. They have changed their mind about what they wanted to do several times and that made life more difficult for us but they always knew we'd support them through the changes as long as they were working towards independence. They had work experience, they volunteered - and found a successful career through those routes.

You have let your son do nothing since last summer. If he isnt 19 yet he soon will be and you are keeping him as a baby.

My DS was like this (for about a year!). He wouldn’t listen to me. lazed around. Fortunately after a while he decided that life like that was very dull and he did actually make an effort and found an apprenticeship. He hadn’t done well at school and so I was v worried about him - in the end he did it himself. Main motivation was being so bored. I do sympathise it is an awful time

These people who tell you that their children knew they had to get on and do something - well- they were just lucky! My daughter is completely different so I don’t think it’s the parenting- I just think some (very often boys) take a long while to realise that they have to grow up!

He's got a lot going for him. He's got good A levels and can drive. He's helpful enough to cut the grass and seems to have a reasonable relationship with OP. He might like a college course (but what will be on offer to someone who already has qualifications at level 3). Also I still think that something positive needs to happen before Sept otherwise he's just kicking the can down the road and what happens in Sept if he decides he doesn't want to go (having been in his bedroom for another six months). Sign on, job coach - routine, getting out of the house.

Hmm, you’re working. He’s not. How about he does YOUR laundry as he’s “doing his anyway”…
ok, might not want him m washing your delicates (though good practice for future wife/partner, but he can change your sheets, do sheets, towels and stuff like your trousers, tops and general household…

i think you’re so immersed in this you can’t see it. If he’d gone to uni he’d needed to do his own…

Can he find an apprenticeship? I did one when I didn’t know what to do at 18. It allowed me to find a career and follow with a degree. The apprenticeship was just a business admin one, not my ultimate career goal but gave me good exposure and experience.

Where have I said I'm keeping him as a baby he can cook a few meals, clean, will iron.
I'm fussy with laundry and prefer to do it myself as he either stuffs far too much in the machine or puts next to nothing in which I'm far too tight to allow so I don't mind doing the laundry. He never thinks to go cut grass or cook etc but will when I ask.

I read that the job market is tough right now. Even though it's a numbers game, I wonder how productive it'll be for him to keep trying because some application forms can be ridiculously long. I'm a confident writer, and with my employment history length it can take a good 2 hrs once you've provided examples or addressed the multitude of tasks they want you to do in the role.

I think it would be more beneficial to him right now to build experience by volunteering. Try your local wildlife group to get him outdoors.

Also - look into 'anhedonia' , because depression doesn't just look like someone down or crying. It can also be a lack of joy or interest in life, a grey flatness, a lack of drive. It doesn't mean it needs medicating, but I don't think it would hurt to send him for a thyroid and testosterone test. Testosterone brought back my natural personality, zest for life and drive to pursue my interests (I'm female).

You need to transition from a parent-child relationship to an adult-adult relationship.
Which for you basically means stop acting like his mum.
Treat him like a flat-mate or lodger.

Bring in the following changes over the next few weeks:
Don't do his laundry.
Draw up a rota for cleaning communal areas - i.e. all the house apart from your and his bedrooms.
Give him a separate cupboard and shelf in the fridge for his food - he is to now buy and cook all his own food, and buy his own toiletries.
Eat separately. Don't share meals.
Ask him to pay you a small amount for rent, plus half all the bills - calculate an average bills cost and charge him weekly or monthly alongside the rent, rather that wait for each bill to come in to ask for half.

He has to claim Universal Credit to pay his own way. (Advise him not to spend his savings on day-to-day living, but ultimately that is not up to you.)

I'm fussy with laundry and prefer to do it myself as he either stuffs far too much in the machine or puts next to nothing in which I'm far too tight to allow so I don't mind doing the laundry.

Don't let him do your laundry, just his own.
Charge him half of the electricity bills on a regular basis and bite your tongue when he puts in half-loads of his stuff.

Ok thanks everyone going to leave this post be for now so won't be posting replies but thanks again appreciate the helpful and kind responses.

Kick him out!! Shocking suggestions! What a shitty response. What mother would do this?
Op, he is in that male age category where depression is at its worst. He feels a bit lost. What he needs is support and guidance. He probably doesn't even know himself what he wants/needs.
I'm sorry, I know it's hard for you to watch. I have just convinced my oldest to go to cbt therapy (at last) but it's a breakthrough for me after the last couple of years begging him to let me help him.
Good luck sweetie and keep being there for your boy. X
💐

All that money with no real aim?

At 18 I was working hard at my a levels, dreaming of a degree so that I could get a professional job and be independent, working, seeing friends, and shagging. Adult life was starting and I was excited.

Everybody is different, different goals, personalities but I do think he is depressed as I think a lack of lust for life that age is concerning.

Hope you can sort it OP.

There may be shorter term causes available to fill in the gap. Try searching in your local area or private message me the county where you live and I will look for you.

Have a look at what was the prince’s trust https://www.kingstrust.org.uk they have so much support to offer young people to get into employment.

Good luck. Parenting isn’t an easy path and even being willing to ask for help and other ideas shows how much you care. It’s hard to know what to do when you’re in a situation.

Don't chuck him out, why would you do that? He's your son and you love him - look he sounds depressed, he needs help. Is dad or a male figure about?

Was thinking this, you can't categorically say 'he isn't depressed'. Not everyone who is depressed is aware of it.

I had no idea what I wanted to do for a career at 16,18, or 22 post degree.

I worked from the age of 13 in various jobs (starting with paper round then pub kitchens, bar work, retail and supermarkets) then when left uni with rent to pay I took a civil service admin job. There I was exposed to a hidden world of job roles I’d never heard of (procurement, finance, estates management, IT project management). I then tried my hand at a few and found a passion and skill for project management and off I went. Job related training and further study (masters) came later, sponsored by my company.

The best advice I could give any young person is that it is 100% ok not to know what you want to do. BUT get out there into the world of work and immerse yourself in it. You don’t know what you don’t know at 18. And don’t rule out retail or hospitality- I know plenty who have started on the shop floor and worked their way up through the company.

OP I think you should gently suggest to your son that after 3/6/9 months he will need to pay housekeeping of an amount that would require him to have a job. This is how life works. You can either spend the housekeeping on bills or quietly save it away for him for a house deposit or similar.