18 year old son driving me to depression

[YawnSoTired]

He left school last summer. No joy finding a job. No friends, doesn't leave house. Doesnt think to do anything in house unless asked to. Can't find any courses he's interested in. Literally has no interest in doing anything. Has piled weight on. I have no idea what to do. He isn't depressed. What do I do kick him out?

I don’t think kicking him out will help him at all and if he isn’t being disrespectful etc I’m not sure why you would go down that route.
It sounds like he’s got himself stuck in a little bit of a rut, and the less he does, the less he will feel able to do.
I would definitely as someone else suggested get him to speak to his gp and see if there are some volunteering options around. Does he want to travel, start a hobby that doesn’t include gaming?
It sounds like he’s is applying for jobs but not hearing anything back will be really disheartening.
Volunteering for something will look great on his cv and give him a boost until he decides what to do, local to us we have a number of charities desperate for volunteers, including volunteers to list things on online selling sites/doing research on donations that have come in, which lots of younger people do as they are so IT savvy/ selling site aware.

Thank you 😊

You need to make his life a bit more difficult. You can’t just allow him to sit in his room gaming all day, being fed and having his clothes cleaned. He needs an ultimatum - 3 months to find a job/course he wants to do. You should also start charging rent - he needs to contribute towards household bills. He can use his savings for this, that will make him want to start earning pretty quickly!

Baffled as to how you’ve allowed this to happen. If he’s academic, why didn’t he go to uni?

Oh fab thanks for this.

I would really suggest volunteering just one day a week something like a charity shop. My teen was very similar she just took longer to get used to the world i think. But one day a week was doable she did her own thing the other 6 days. After a while it just naturally increased to more out and about days and more confidence.

it sounds like he needs some hand holding to take the first steps.

This is exactly what we did with our son. Over a year after he left school, he was working part time but had no direction and a distinct sense of apathy.

Asking someone "What course would you like to do?" is such an open ended question, especially for a teenager with little life experience.

When I asked my son that, he was adamant there wasn't one course in the whole of the country that he was interested in. We sat down looked at courses linked to where his interests are, and he got really excited about one. He's applied and is now heading off to university in September.

Good luck!

Because he didn't know what he wanted to do. I have an older son who always knew what he wanted but when you have a child who doesn't know what he wants that's difficult to navigate. I would never force uni on him.

Oh wow how amazing!

The choices he makes today will have a lasting impact.

I wouldn't have this, his playtime is over.

Could an undergraduate degree in Game Design, Computing or Games Development align with his interests? What A-Levels did he do? Many universities are having Open Days at the moment, could he go along to a few?

Get him to do 2 days volunteer work a week yo get work experience and an up to date reference.

He also could do to study something just to look busy at the local college if possible.

Such a tricky time of life, especially I imagine with an older sibling who seemed to have a clear path. Some really good suggestions here, including starting with his interests and helping him research options. You sound like a lovely, caring mum OP and I'm sure it will all come good.

Maybe come back when you actually have some experience of what it's like supporting a young person to launch in this economy and this world we're living in. Honestly. You can expect all you like, doesn't mean it will be possible.

Have you looked at apprenticeships? Although technically you don’t need A levels for a lot of them, many employers do prefer candidates with some evidence of post-16 study.

Thank you these are all ideas I'll bring forward when we have a chat.

My son is the same age and he cooks and cleans (with a bit of reminding). I stopped washing his clothes about three years ago, I still wash them occasionally if say I need more whites in the machine but he knows to do that, same with his bedding. He’s on UC so they are the ones badgering him to get a job now, not me. He can go on that even with savings, they’ll just reduce the amount. I don’t buy treats for him as I’m short of money, so he buys these if he wants them. I’ve shown him how to budget and I give him a certain amount of money to buy the food shop for a certain amount of days. He is good at cooking, I taught him to cook from the age of about ten. He does game too much which is depressing but a lot of boys that age do. He’s recently started reading for pleasure again which is a relief! I hope you can get him doing small jobs like this as it helps with their mental health to feel competent and useful.

Why do you do his washing? Tell him he must start doing his own washing.

He also needs to find a job - even if low wages to pay for his toiletries and clothes - and make a contribution towards food, fuel, water, rates etc.

He's 18, he needs to start paying his way.

OP look at Mindjam. he might be interested in gaming with a mentor and possibly becoming one himself.

He sounds like he may be suffering from a form of burnout and anxiety but he can get better. Baby steps tho. Place a few gentle boundaries and expectations e.g. he must empty dishwasher.
build up to -
he must shop for a simple meal etc.
good luck x

I used to teach A levels to lots of boys like this and the course that always got them interested was Cyber Security. I can see someone else has mentioned this. I feel for your son - it can be so disheartening watching everyone else make decisions and move on. What about suggesting he applies to a local uni for September and spends some time until then eating more healthily? He could still play computer games etc but you could encourage him to read watch documentaries etc about computer crimes and how people are solving them.

The forces?

FGS don't kick him out. I wouldn't even contemplate doing that in this situation with either of mine.

You say he isn't depressed but it certainly sounds like he is. Just because he is not lying in bed unable to move doesn't mean he isn't depressed. He seems to have lost his way and lost his motivation to join the world. The longer it takes him to get himself back out there the harder it will be and its a slippery slope.

Talk to him. Stop being annoyed by him and show him some compassion and support. Show him you are on his side. It sounds like he needs some support to find his way in the world.

See if you can come up with a plan together of what he intends to do going forwards and just explain that how he is living his life is not sustainable and he can't keep doing it. I suspect he already knows this but he needs a gentle nudge to find his feet.

Look - here's a link to the UK Government careers service: https://nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/discover-your-skills-and-careers There is a questionnaire to fill in about aptitudes and interests and then the opportunity to speak to a careers advisor once you've completed it. Get your son started by doing this.

yes but getting him to help out at home helps him earn his responsibilities, he is living at home he should have a list of jobs to do, take it in turns who cooks, show him simple meals - All these things help the mind get productive and build confidence too. When you go shopping bring him out and get him tp help you meal plan etc. He should be able to do standard things at home

I am no doctor but from your description, I would say he is suffering from depression. I think it would be worth investigating how he can be helped. A kick up the rear might work, but I suspect something less judgemental might be better.

Something general but linked to the A levels he did.

Possibly a degree course in his favourite A level? or a combined degree in his 2 favourite A levels? Would be good for him to have a plan for September and don't let him go to a local uni and live at home!