18 year old son driving me to depression

[YawnSoTired]

He left school last summer. No joy finding a job. No friends, doesn't leave house. Doesnt think to do anything in house unless asked to. Can't find any courses he's interested in. Literally has no interest in doing anything. Has piled weight on. I have no idea what to do. He isn't depressed. What do I do kick him out?

That's harsh sorry - regardless of what is going on in the economy cooking and cleaning are part and parcel of life, he should be helping out a bit at home and should have been for nearly 10 years by now. No matter if you are employed or unemployed you need to fed, clothes washed and house has to be cleaned. That is basic living.

obv I don’t know where you are in country OP but would he not consider a degree based on computing / gaming eg games design or programming ? Our local university offers these so I am sure many others will

If he has 6K in the bank I'd encourage him to go travelling. There is a whole world out there and he will meet people his own age doing a similar thing as well as experiencing some amazing and challenging things. Work together on researching and planning. Maybe a shorter backpacking trip to somewhere in Europe first, or interrailing, to build his confidence. Do you have any overseas contacts who could help? Look at working holiday visas for Australia and New Zealand. It would be the making of him!

if he has 6k saved up could he use a little bit of it to go travelling? would get him out the house, away from electronics and open him up to whats out there in the world? might spark a bit of life into him
plenty of summer abroad jobs at things like acorn adventure, camp america etc. good option as they arrange all travel etc and there is a team altogether out there. We did acorn in Italy for a summer and it was so much fun.

I think op you need to sit him down and have a very open and calm conversation and say that he's had quite a bit of time now to just see what happens but now it's time to get some wheels turning again. I'd tell him that it doesn't actually matter whether or not the next step he takes is the 'right' step in terms of course etc but he has to take a step just to get himself going. If he starts a course he can always transfer to another one but he just needs to commit to showing up and doing the work no matter what.

I'd arrange an appointment with the gp because I agree with others it sounds like he's passively depressed and possibly very anxious (making it hard for him to make a decision). I'd talk to him about the gaming and how he's feeling its impacting his life and try to make an agreement on how much he games each day. I'd actually set an amount and switch the WiFi off once he goes past it so he's no choice but to look for other things to do. It's too easy to get lost in a game and avoid reality and while it's understandable its not serving him.

I'd also make an appointment with a careers advisor, in our area there are some you can access for free either through local universities or colleges or through the local jbo. Before he goes there's an online test he can do to identify what jobs would suit his personality and interests which might help inform the appointments. He needs to get the notion of not wanting to pick the wrong course or not knowing what to do - even realising he's on the wrong course is still getting him closer to the right one by ruling something out. Work experience and volunteering would help with this as well. If he can make a list of jobs he'd have a remote interest in then he can offer to shadow someone or do a placement to see if it would suit him. Sitting in the house the way he is will make his anxiety/mood worse and make it even harder to get restarted.

Did he have friends in school? Did something significant happen in his life? Is it possible that he's ND and burnt out doing his A Levels?

Can we stop excusing shitty, lazy behaviour with a blanket diagnosis of depression?
he's being a lazy teenager. He is far from a catch for prospect future girlfriends. No one wants a man who doesn't work, have friends, interests etc. he really needs to get his arse into gear and get a job and you need to make clear you won't fund him forever.

he may be depressed, there's loads of us depressed folk out here who still manage to work and function.

Army? They will drum sense into it, seen it many times. They can sponsor him afterwards to do a degree - any serious degree and see him through it. He just needs a kick up his arse. Please don't indulge any possible 'depression' or suchlike.

I think he needs a bit of care and support rather than the above.

Is he ND?

That's what I thought.

Teaching him to be able to live independently under your roof would be one of the first things that would boost his confidence. If he has never had to look after himself, do his washing, change his bedding, do his shopping and actually run his own life may be a barrier to him moving forwards if he is scared he couldn’t cope alone.
Currently he has no motivation to change things as everything is done for him. This is not doing him any favours. Perhaps start by teaching him how to change his bed and do his washing and how frequently things need to be washed. Then move on to teaching him some basic cooking and make him responsible for a couple of meals each week to get him into the way of planning meals and shopping. Cleaning and housework can then be added to his skills, then make him responsible for half of the household cleaning or certain rooms. All this will boost his self esteem and his dignity as he is then earning the food given to him and he isn’t just a burden. Our children don’t learn these things by being around a parent that does it all, they need instruction and teaching.

Apprenticeship could be the way forward. They're advertised on gov.uk.

"he may be depressed, there's loads of us depressed folk out here who still manage to work and function." .

And there are also lots of depressed people out there who are unable to sustain work/ seek work/ are on long term sickness leave/ never got their qualifications in school due to their mental health. It's so odd that you'd challenge the idea of a blanket diagnosis of depression while also spouting this at the end of the same post.

Noone is "diagnosing" anything, lots of us are recognising this is a possibility and are encouraging op to link her son in with an actual medical professional who CAN make a diagnosis if one is appropriate.

Maybe he’s too unwell to do them himself?

My mum looked after me when l was seriously depressed at 20. I just wouldn’t have eaten or washed clothes if she hadn’t.

No, you do not kick him out.

Take a deep breath. He is alive. Be grateful. Be very grateful. You are lucky. He’s not so lucky. He’s obviously struggling. Help him however you can but never give up on him.

Hope your son never ends up like this.

Perhaps show him this. It's a link to MOOCS. Massive Open Online Courses in Game Development. They're short (cheap or free) taster courses run by universities. Great way to try out the idea of a gaming course without the anxiety he may get from a big commitment. It might just get him interested in something...

https://www.my-mooc.com/en/categorie/game-development

He sounds possobly depressed/anxious about the next stage of life.

Edited to say there are thousands of subjects to do a MOOC in so he could browse and find something new.

Well imagine if us mothers decided to no longer function anymore and sit in a room and game our lives away when we have kids to raise.

the bar is so low for men. He's an 18 year old adult. Not many 18 year olds know what they want to do at that age but plenty of us get evening or weekend jobs to earn some money and not be spoon fed off our parents.

if a woman was posting this about her male partner the answers would be very different. If he's got enough motivation to be on the okay station all day, he can sit in front of a computer and apply for part time jobs.

He did well in his A levels. The stress of exams can be huge, especially for the age group affected by the covid lockdowns. You sound angry about the fact he has no friends etc, but he sounds depressed. Saying he's driving you to depression is very unfair - he may well be doing his best if he is depressed himself, and blaming him like that will only make him worse. Put him in charge of the family meals or washing - something that is completely his responsibility and praise him for the help. Encourage him to perhaps volunteer somewhere where he will meet other kids. Please stop blaming him for your emotions, men find it very hard to express their problems. Perhaps seeing a counselor may help?

That's good, he's out in the fresh air and doing a chore. He does sound depressed. You're not being a bad mum feeding him and doing his washing. Sometimes people with all the tough love talk have no idea.
If you can get him to do voluntary work, that would be great.
Perhaps suggest a visit to the GP, though.

He's old enough and obviously has enough free time to do his own washing. I wasn't doing laundry for any of mine at that age

I agree. It can be so difficult and stressful.

University isn't about the course you do - it's about the university you go to.

If he's clever with good A-levels and gets into a good top 10 uni, he'll have good graduate job prospects regardless of what industry he decides to go into.

For example, I know multiple people who went to a redbrick uni and did a geography degree. One got a graduate role as a food buyer/taster for Sainsbury's, another is in a senior role in the civil service, another now works in law in the City.

Unless he's going into a vocational uni course like nursing/doctor/social work etc - he just needs to pick a subject he likes and go to a very good uni. Typically all the graduate roles get filled by people who go to the same 5-10 best universities, irrespective of what they study.

Wise words.

How long did it take you to get past this?
I'm hoping all is well with you now. 💐

Yes, I used to work for a Cybersecurity company (in a non-technical role) and it is definitely a growth area and well paid.