18 year old son driving me to depression

[YawnSoTired]

He left school last summer. No joy finding a job. No friends, doesn't leave house. Doesnt think to do anything in house unless asked to. Can't find any courses he's interested in. Literally has no interest in doing anything. Has piled weight on. I have no idea what to do. He isn't depressed. What do I do kick him out?

There's something wrong OP. I don't believe for one moment this is just a lazy indulged boy. No one wants to live like that, NO ONE.

The GP will be really limited in what they know, their expertise and prescribing knowledge when it comes to potential things going on here.

Hsve you ever talked to him about all this and what his thoughts are?

Personally, I'd forget college, uni for now. I'd focus only on trying to understand what's going on in his own mind and perception of this situation. I'd want him to have a chat with a psychiatrist. Not because I think he's seriously defective but because something is wrong here. It does remind me of ND teens high masking who reach burn out.

A good ND psych appointment would possibly give you an idea if this is what's going on. They can also prescribe something to help make life more manageable. Then - you can work on supporting him with getting a job doing something he is motivated to do.

If he isn't ND or depressed then fine, but it's worth being sure here. No harm in that imo.

He needs more responsibility. He definitely should be doing his own washing . My kids have been able to do that since about 12/13 . It's a good life skill.
Do you have work/life coaches near to you? It sounds like he could do with someone to talk to and help him be enthusiastic to make plans .

Please don't kick him out OP, 18 is barely an adult he sounds like he needs your help. Good luck to you both x

OP I find it slightly odd that he is academic and did well at A levels but has no idea of even a direction he would like to go in? How did he even choose his A levels then? Did his school have no career advice- I find this hard to believe tbh.

He may not know exactly what he wants to do but he should surely know a general direction ie if hes done science based a level, hes not going to want to be an English lit teacher is he?

He is definitely depressed and you need to have a good talk with him. He either gets a job or volunteers but he needs to start seriously looking at options and getting some work experience. I would try and get him to speak to a gp and sit and look at potential career directions eg IT etc or something which will give a lot of options for careers but he needs to get a move on.

Is it possible hes not actually applying for jobs but just telling you he is? I'd suspect he isnt bothering because he has life pretty sweet at home and has everything he wants

Well I assume because he's her son. She loves him.
I didn't withdraw all care and comfort for my children because they turned eighteen.

This young man needs to change his ways.
This young man should contribute. He is in the wrong but OP can still look after him if she wants.

As for throwing him out? I despair of the harshness and neglect of this suggestion.

He is applying but not hearing back

I dont think you understand anything. Asking what kind if a parent I am..nice one. Crawl back under your rock.

OP I have an acquaintance - very normal background - who started a cyber security company a few years ago and now owns a country estate and sends all three of his children to Eton!

Hmm, you’re being deliberately obtuse and not reading..,I said if they were genuinely ill I’d support..did you read that ?

Don't go down the game development line it's saturated with people who like gaming and try to make it a job. My nephew has a masters in it and that's because there were no jobs when he got his BA, every company he got a short contract with went bust so he ended up doing a masters and he's working now in an entirely unrelated field.

If he's tech minded then maybe computer science might be better as my son did but there's not a lot of jobs in that either just now.

Definitely avoid the game developer stuff though.

It's impossible to reply to each post but can I just say a big thank you, almost everyone has been very kind with amazing suggestions and shared experiences on how to move forwards.
I already feel terrible for allowing this to go on this long believe me, so really didn't need a bashing but in good old mumsnet form 1 or 2 can't help themselves.
We've made progress our first chat today without him throwing up defences and we are now looking at college courses, he's terrified but taking on board that he's now reached a point where what he has been doing previously isn't working and now we must try something else.

My brother was the same at that age, OP. He’s still in his teenage bedroom now at the age of 46. My Dad is 79. Don’t let it go on…

If he did well at A level I am not sure where you will get to with college courses. He has already achieved level 3 therefore unless he is looking at a degree delivered by an FE provider there is probably little for him. I would suggest he needs support to find a job. Or driving lessons partly funded by the £6,000 - something he can do now. A course, likely starting in Sept is going to have him in his bedroom for the next 6 months. You are both just kicking the problem into the long grass.

My first thought would be to get him out and go for a walk together. Maybe early morning or evening, if he is overweight, he might be self conscious. I have found myself in the past, that the less you leave the house, the more difficult it becomes - so choosing a time when it's less busy, and you being sensitive to any anxiety he feels about being seen, might help. My DCs don't like going for walks around our neighbourhood for this reason, and so I will drive somewhere they are less likely to see familiar faces, and they feel happier about this. (They haven't explicitly told me this, but I've worked it out.)

I would build up to any expectations of getting a job slowly, with an emphasis on his mental health first and foremost. I very much doubt he's in the right place to get a job at the moment - but he will get there eventually if you don't make "getting a job" the focus, I think.

I would want to encourage good habits. You could frame the idea of an early morning walk followed by a healthy breakfast together as you wanting to spend more time with him rather than you being at your wit's end at how lazy & unmotivated he is.

It's great that he has mowed the lawn.

He seems lost and in need of some TLC and gentle guidance in my opinion. Maybe if going for a walk is too much to start with, you could start with a healthy breakfast together, and do the dishes together. When my son was in a similar place to your son, I had no expectations that he had to talk, and I think he appreciated that, we would put music on & play draughts, or just eat and then watch TV together.

Good luck. I wish both of you all the best

You can start by helping him to do these things for himself - cooking & washing etc.
He is a young adult - 2 years from turning 20! Sit him down, have a heart-to-heart, get him to book a GP apt & go with him - he desperately needs a sense of purpose, but a little tough love wouldn’t go amiss - let him know that this can’t continue…but that you’re willing to help him

Has he tried apprenticeships! Would he mind travelling with you for a weekend away!

He does sound depressed so don't kick him out. Be firm, but gentle. Take him to your GP. Suggest he joins a gym and only feed him healthy food - not the kind of stuff that will make him fat.

This isn't a male partner though- or a parent. It's OPs child who has just turned 18 and has no dependents.

And for the record yes i can imagine if some mothers did do that, I know as I had to care for mine and run the house when she took to her bed for days on end and couldn't sustain work. Arguing that it's wrong for men to struggle because women aren't allowed to serves nobody - it keeps the bar for women unfairly high and doesn't encourage men to do anything differently to address their mental health. You're creating a race to the bottom..

"plenty of us get evening or weekend jobs to earn some money and not be spoon fed off our parents." I did this too but even I can see that it's very hard now for young people to get first jobs at 18 with no experience let alone if he DOES have issues with his mental health. This is more than an 18 yo not caring and being lazy- the fact he's extremely isolated and has just left school with absolutely no friends but yet worked hard enough to get great grades is very telling. You need no motivation to sit gaming - that's escapism! Motivation to face a scary and uncertain reality is very different.

OP, the Open University has a section called Open Learn where they offer short online courses. A lot are free but some are a minimal cost and some of the free ones act as tasters to go on to Diplomas or further.He might find dipping into these without commitment could help with finding out what he’s interested in.There’s quite a range of Digital and Computing courses if he thinks that’s the way he wants to go.

https://www.open.edu/openlearn/

I do think you need to help him with domestic chores though. Unless he lives with you forever he’ll be much more prepared for living on his own and he’ll be far more attractive to a partner or even housemates if he can do the basics.

Good luck to you both.

He already has passed his test. It was his 17th birthday gift.
At this point the thought of him interacting with others and the idea of something happening ie college is very appealing. There's nothing to stop him still looking for a job though.

I remember being very anxious about this. At the same time, I knew I had to get out and away in order not to be trapped by my guilt about leaving my mum who expected me to stay close. I sought opportunities to stand on my own two feet in desperation and in spite of my fear and social anxiety. My first grown up job was as a PA and I was sh**t scared of making phone calls, even calling for a taxi was difficult for me initially. But I knew I had to get over this to have any kind of life!! So it may well be a combination of being a bit scared and being enabled not to move forward?

A bit of tough love is needed!
Sit him down and give him the options. He applies for so many jobs a day, give him a timeline. He needs to be doing something 2 months time, doesn’t matter what he just needs to be working out of the house.
At this point you will start charging rent (a decent amount) you can always keep it aside for him but don’t tell him that.
If he does nothing about applying for jobs start charging straight away.
Support him if he needs help to speak to the gp about depression but he needs to take some action. Most gps you can do an e consult about depression.

I found when ds was 18 I had to be a helicopter parent. Seek the jobs online. Help him apply. Word his supporting letter and amend his CV each time.

I practically did it all. He wd prepare for interviews by going on you tube. Career Vidz I think it is gives great job prep tips. So he wd prepare but I definitely had to hold his hand a lot.

They do need a lot of monitoring still. Good luck.

I wouldn't say he was depressed, I would say he sounds depressed because of his circumstances, not that his circumstances are a result of his being depressed, if you see what I mean. Which is not something he can be medicated out of. My eldest DD was a bit like this when she finished A levels (she is diagnosed Autistic and ADHD, but she wasn't when she left school, she was diagnosed as an adult). She was paralysed with fear about going out into the world. Eventually she found a volunteering place working in the local Help the Aged shop, where she learned to work a till, deal with customers and, despite her social anxiety, to talk to people. As a result she applied to university and went as an adult.

But it was learning to function outside the educational environment that helped her.

He needs help not to be kicked out. He sounds depressed and needs direction.

All of the above re helping him find something he wants to do - update CV, get him some voluntary work in something he would enjoy so he can add to his CV. Look into degree apprenticeships.