18 year old son driving me to depression

[YawnSoTired]

He left school last summer. No joy finding a job. No friends, doesn't leave house. Doesnt think to do anything in house unless asked to. Can't find any courses he's interested in. Literally has no interest in doing anything. Has piled weight on. I have no idea what to do. He isn't depressed. What do I do kick him out?

I remember getting to 18 and being really scared about officially being an adult. I really didn't have a clue what I wanted to do with my life either, I just knew that I was sick to the back teeth of studying.

I ended up going to Uni in my early 20's. Before that, I initially worked part time and worked my way up to full time in a shop.

Get him to the docs and also, try to encourage him out every day. Perhaps send him on errands like nipping to the local shop or going to a coffee shop together. Walking a friend's dog etc.

Genuine question, but when I see posts like this on Mumsnet I am curious. Would you really at 18, with your DS or DD having issues adjusting to adult life kick them out on the to the street with all of the dangers and negative consequences that might involve?

My ds is 19. He had no idea what he wanted to do. There was zero chance that I would let him game all day regardless. He got a job in the local supermarket. He had to be up and about at a reasonable time and contribute to the household. He does nothing because you allow him to.
DS did a work program abroad for three months and then went to uni in September which he loves.

But he’s not a young child. She needs to help him out of his depression not enable him to stay in it

Lots of people don't know what they want to do when they leave school, I think a large proportion choose their degree subject based on what they enjoy and what they're good at. What did he do at Alevel? There's no point in us suggesting he looks into engineering and computer science courses / careers if he's got A-levels in humanities and languages!

He sounds lost, OP, rather than anything more severe. If you've asked him to mow the lawn and he's doing it, in relatively good grace, that suggests to me he's perhaps just feeling overwhelmed and fearful of the vast amount of choices there are out there.

18 is a difficult age - officially an adult, but with no life experience and very little exposure to the world other than the bubble that you've grown up in. While uni is perfect for some, it's definitely not the right path for others, but it does give you insight into other people's lives and backgrounds which can be eye opening.

How receptive is he when you talk to him about the future? Does he shut you down and just repeats 'don't know' to everything, or is there some interest but then it fades when the answer isn't immediately there?

My eldest has always been laidback to the extreme (some say laidback, some say lazy - I'm on the fence). As we're both ambitious and really driven to succeed/progress/do well, we've struggled to understand his low-effort approach, but he's making his own way through trial and error and the odd gentle kick up the bum from us. He's now done a few months of a minimum wage job and while he's not loving it, he amazed me yesterday by talking about how long he needs to do this job for before he can move into an area with 'career progression'. I didn't see it coming, and it has yet to materialise, but have faith OP, he'll come good I'm sure.

A handful of thoughts:
Mowing the lawn - this can now be his job
Exercise - how can he move more?
Food - yes, keep feeding him but if you're working and he's not, he can cook the meals
Washing - nope, he can do this, and the rest of the household's too if you're out at work and he's at home.
Cleaning - if he's home, not working, he can keep on top of the housework. Don't expect him to see what needs doing, give him a list and let him work through it.

If he's resistant to any of it, then that's a different situation and needs more tough love, but I'd start with gentle nudges and carrots rather than sticks. But then I also know I'm a big softie...

Sorry, it has probably been suggested already, but I would start charging him rent - unless he applies for uni/college. You must stop enabling his laziness - he must find a job. It doesn't need to be a full-time job at once - he can start cleaning houses/cars/walking dogs for a couple of hours a day - just drop an advertisement on Facebook and you can always find something to do. Make a plan with him and tell him with no ambiguity that you are giving him 3 months to put his wits together and show some effort and do something. Tell him that - because he is an adult now and not a child anymore - you will treat him like a lodger and nobody lives for free and nothing in life is free. Charge him for utilities/Internet, any takeaway, etc. Every time bring him the bill and ask for money. And stop doing this unpaid work for him for God's sake!

Also get him to talk to a good reputable career advisor to discuss his interests and see what they propose…..he sounds like he has a gaming addiction though so that needs to be worked on as even if he does get a job / go on to study this addiction would still be there which would prevent him from progressing very far…..can he join a gym nearby, maybe that would get him out of the house and he can develop a new interest and loose some weight…..it’s horrible to say but I do think prospective do judge ( and make assumptions about ) overweight unhealthy looking people coming into interviews so it would be better for him all round if he lost it

A friend's child was the same - didn't know what they wanted to do after A levels, so took a year out and worked in a DIY store - realised they were interested in construction through that, so went and did a construction engineering degree at uni.

Lots of people don't know what they want to do at 18. They problem at the moment is finding a job to ride you over while you decide. The job market is so difficult for them.

Another idea is the King's Trust - absolutely brilliant for helping young people if they can't find work.

He has six k. Maybe he could use a small fraction of that to go backpacking or travel generally. Just getting out and seeing different things might help him think about what he wants to do job wise when he’s back. Even if he just goes off to an international gaming convention of something.

Can he sign onto the dole as they require job search minimums & to be set up with a agency to monitor it

Do not kick him out

Help him out

Time for tough love, you are doing him no favours. Yes he may be depressed and some short term intervention may be necessary. But mild depression may respond to being out of the house and finding something he can do.

So - has he done ANY work experience at all, ever? Had any interests, ever? Young people find what they want to do by trying different things. He can volunteer - St John Ambulance will give him extra skills and the opportunity later to go to sporting events. If he has ever played sports summer camps will pay him to work with children. He can be a scouts helper. Help him explore what is available here https://www.ncvo.org.uk/get-involved/volunteering/volunteering-opportunities/

There is a halfway house between making him homeless and doing nothing. During the day he has to be out of the house, he comes home to sleep. If the weather is really bad he may be allowed to stay in. Even if he sits in a park all day he's in the fresh air and sometimes sunshine - and he can only game in a library for a limited time. 3 months to sort himself out, sign on for universal credit savings under 6k are disregarded, or he outdoors all day.

I wouldn't kick him out....but I would stop cooking for him and doing his laundry. There's absolutely no reason he can't do these things for himself. He doesn't sound awful....just a bit aimless and needs some direction.

You’ve had a lot of good advice from others.
On his CV he can put this year down as a ‘gap year’. Th volunteering or part-time would would be a great way to add value to this. Is he interested in travel? If he can find a part - time job now, he’s got time to build up some savings to travel abroad or go to festivals - whatever he enjoys - in the summer. Nothing like getting away from home to expand your horizons.
And if he finds a course he is interested in (I thought the cyber security idea sounded good) then he can aim to start that in September with the wind in his sails. Good luck!

Yep, I would have if they really weren’t helping themselves and refused to do what was expected of them to find their adulting and get on with life.

but it’s also about expectations from young age. My kids knew probably when they went to secondary school, if not before, they’d never be allowed to live at home on their arse. They were expected to do their own washing and ironing at 16 (if they can use games console they can use a washing machine and iron fgs). They were expected from younger age to help clean bathrooms. Do bins, mow lawn etc. and clean their room. And they cooked, regularly. Becuase we taught them to cook and they enjoyed it.
they knew they were expected to either get an apprentice type training job or go to uni at 18. Sure, we made light of it, but it was joke about using their bedrooms, or us parents running away….

sure if they’d become genuinely ill we’d have absolutely supported. I’m not heartless, far from it.

But a young adult doing nothing, with no apparent goals or direction, is bound to be a bit depressed when asked or made to think about their future. And given a choice, which this lad has, it is more comfortable and less scary to simply do nowt.

id certainly be saying, you can come back home to live once you have found motivation and goals, but all the time you aren’t contributing and drifting, you need to see WHY it’s important you learn to support yourself and start adulting. Thsts what tossing them out will do. Teach them a hard lesson…but the door would be open when the light bulb went on.

Fear of 'going out into the world' is a natural stage in developing into an adult .
Small steps to build his confidence, the school system and our current style of parenting dosent equip our young people
We need to reflect on this

Ayh this mentality of having him fuck off/cut from family support for what ? Not bouncing from school into a career & getting fat ?! Is madness

OP depending on his personality/willingness get him help (check for hormones/thyroid/diabetes ect.) to work on his weight & get him onto a job agency who can advice him if careers now he's out of school

I really feel for kids these days who come out of school with no clear indication of what they want to do. I still can't believe in this day and age we expect kids of 16 to know what they want to do with the rest of their lives.

I second what a lot of people have already said, Cyber security / Sales.

I have a friend who is in cyber security sales, he's possibly autistic but manages really well and is on a great salary!

Get him to go back into education. What about an apprenticeship?

What do I do kick him out?
Op i realise you are really stressed and concerned but really... you're asking mumsnet if you should kick him out? What kind of a parent asks mumsnet a question like this. Get yourself together and start acting like a parent instead, regardless to how you feeling you do not kick your kids out. Get to the root issue instead and discuss boundaries instead.

This is good point too….thst he needs to be up at normal working hours during week,cand go to bed and sleeep as if he had a job. If he’s gaming till ewrLy hours of morning, and not dressing until mid morning, then this is major issue.

Thanks, that is a useful insight. It certainly helps me understand why there are so many young people with mental health issues kicked out by mom and dad and left to their own devices without support.

however, sometimes it’s more about finding out what they DONT want to do.
And start eliminating.
most of us do that during our working life.
he needs to be actively trying out stuff- retail, entertainment, service, construction, manufacturing type industries…not looking at it as if this is his forever job…no job or career iscthes3 days..,he needs to be engaging in working life or training to find what aspects he likes..sitting at a desk or active, inside or outside, engaging customers or not, working on projects, detailed thinking or emotional thinking etc etc
sitting in his room for next 10 years ain’t going to produce a magic lightbulb moment. He needs to try out stuff to figure it out.

This was me!

Took me over 6 months to get my first full-time job after college when I was 18. Applied for hundreds of jobs, everything and anything, horrible interviews which also knocked my confidence, kept getting rejected. Signed on, got barely enough money for anything. (School was useless for setting me up for getting a first job.)

My lovely mum didn't pressure me or kick me out but encouraged me to keep going and not give up. She also gave me money for driving lessons and a car so I could apply for jobs further away.

I finally got a basic office job and worked my way up and moved out once I had more money and confidence. It's been easier to get any job since getting that first job.