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Original poster

To not invite them to the wedding?

234 replies

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:00

Please help, I’m having trouble with our wedding guest list. We both have big families and there’s a lot of people that we are very close to that we want there. The problem is, everyone has a plus one and it’s extremely expensive because it ends up being a LOT of people. I was speaking to my fiancés mum last night and she was saying I either need to invite peoples partners or not have them at all. I would agree with this all or nothing approach, however there are some peoples partners/spouses that we have relationships with, and others that I’ve probably only seen once in my life. We were specifically talking about two cousins who are sisters.
cousin 1 has been with her partner for 5 years, they have a house and a child together and we have been out with both of them numerous times and have a friendship with him.
cousin 2 has been with her partner for a few years, and I’ve seen him once or twice but never really spoken to him. My fiancés mum is saying I can’t invite one persons pertner and not the other. But I think surely it depends on our relationships with them?

she then goes on to say “x now has a girlfriend as well so you’d have to invite her” and I was getting so overwhelmed because I have only met X once and never ever met his new girlfriend and I don’t want to be introducing myself to people on my wedding day. I have to pay for people to be there and I’m not keen on paying for people that I don’t even know! But soon to be MIL is telling me it isn’t fair to have some and not others. It would also mean knocking some people off my own side of the family (actual family members) to make room for people partners that I’ve never met! We have a package which is 50 people. We can add more but it will cost extra per head and would honestly be so much money if we included everyone’s partners.

Please help.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 09/04/2025 07:02

There’s all lot of talk between your and future MIL on who to invite, what about the groom what does he think?

Poppyseeds79 · 09/04/2025 07:03

It's your wedding and your budget. Invite who you and DP want there and can afford. End of.

Original poster
Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:04

Coconutter24 · 09/04/2025 07:02

There’s all lot of talk between your and future MIL on who to invite, what about the groom what does he think?

My fiancé thinks the exact same as me

OP posts:
Original poster
Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:05

Poppyseeds79 · 09/04/2025 07:03

It's your wedding and your budget. Invite who you and DP want there and can afford. End of.

Thank you, me and DP were talking to MIL on the phone together about it and both of us were standing firm that it’s our wedding and we will decide ourselves. But since then i can’t stop thinking about it and haven’t been able to sleep properly because I’m now wondering if we have to invite all these extra people and how much that’s going to cost 😔

OP posts:
BlueMum16 · 09/04/2025 07:05

Start with mums and dad's and siblings. How many do you have.
Do you have grandparents? How many does this take you to?
Then add your closest friends. How many to you have?

How many places or.the 50 are left?

This is your wedding. It's your guest list.

Personally unless you socialise with cousins they wouldn't make my list.

But MIL s correct, you can't invite one cousin's partner and not another IMO.

Wolfpa · 09/04/2025 07:08

send a blanket message out about your budget and keeping numbers small. It’s fine to say that you are only going to invite people who you would hang out with on an individual level. I would also call your cousin separately to explain why her partner isn’t invited.

Original poster
Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:09

BlueMum16 · 09/04/2025 07:05

Start with mums and dad's and siblings. How many do you have.
Do you have grandparents? How many does this take you to?
Then add your closest friends. How many to you have?

How many places or.the 50 are left?

This is your wedding. It's your guest list.

Personally unless you socialise with cousins they wouldn't make my list.

But MIL s correct, you can't invite one cousin's partner and not another IMO.

I have mum, dad, step mum, step dad, a brother and sister, nanna, grandad, grandma.

My partner has mum, dad, step mum, step dad, and 6 siblings who all have partners or wives etc. and then his grandma. I’m extremely close to my auntie and want her there but then feel like I can’t invite my auntie and not his and then it just extends like that because if we are inviting aunties then we have to invite uncles, they all have partners. He is very close to his cousins and sees them all the time but he has 6 cousins who again all have partners but he feels he can’t invite just some cousins and not others. He has a best man and then 4 groomsman who are all already married and we were invited to their weddings (me included) so feel like we also have to add their wives as plus ones. And it just goes on and on adding more and more people.

OP posts:
RanyaJerodung · 09/04/2025 07:13

You've obviously got a big, loving family. What a bonus in life! It would be a shame if anyone wasn't invited that's part of your family and friendship group. When you decided on 50, was that your calculation which included everyone?

RanyaJerodung · 09/04/2025 07:14

I'm wondering if you can invite those partners, but maybe cut back on other things? Don't have any extras like wedding favours, for example?

CoffeeBeansGalore · 09/04/2025 07:15

Is 50 just the daytime wedding meal number, then you invite extra for the evening? Or is that it for the whole day?

Original poster
Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:17

RanyaJerodung · 09/04/2025 07:13

You've obviously got a big, loving family. What a bonus in life! It would be a shame if anyone wasn't invited that's part of your family and friendship group. When you decided on 50, was that your calculation which included everyone?

It was honestly just down to cost! I have been to two weddings this year of my very close friends who messaged us in our chat and said they were really sorry but to keep costs down our partners we’re not invited to the ceremony but could join the reception. So I just thought this was more normal now. We did a guest list and it came to about 60 people so we said we would pay extra for those 60 guests but now I brought it up to his mum who has told us this isn’t right and we absolutely can’t invite some and not others snd now I’m stressing out about how much extra it’s going to cost for all these people. I have thought of knocking some of my family off my list to make room for plus ones on DPs side but then that feels wrong too

OP posts:
Agix · 09/04/2025 07:17

This is exactly why fiance and I gave up and decided we're having parents and siblings only, at our local council house for our wedding.

We loved the idea of a big fancy wedding with everyone there in ways, but the reality was way too stressful, time consuming and expensive when we sat down to organise it. We have better things to do and spend money on.

My dad's advice was invite who we want, and don't invite who we don't want. Whatever we do, someone is going to gossip and be upset. I feel people will be less upset at not being invited if we make our wedding a total non-event.

BlondiePortz · 09/04/2025 07:17

Why not just have a small wedding ie both your siblings and first cousins, immediate aunt/uncle's, I dont see why second cousins and other 'relationship distant' people would need to be invited

Original poster
Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:17

CoffeeBeansGalore · 09/04/2025 07:15

Is 50 just the daytime wedding meal number, then you invite extra for the evening? Or is that it for the whole day?

It is just day time and then evening is 80 people

OP posts:
MesmerisingMuon · 09/04/2025 07:21

Your wedding and your budget.

Why not have just parents, siblings and grandparents?

Or just elope??? Far less stressful then spend the money you save on a trip round the world.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/04/2025 07:21

If you have a package of 50 people, surely you split this between your side and his side so you can each invite 25 people. It's not up to his mum at all, unless she is paying for everything. If she isn't and she insists that all the cousins with their partners are invited, she can pay the extra above the standard package.

Dollshousedolly · 09/04/2025 07:22

Really, it would be bad manners where you have two cousins who are sisters and only invite the partner of one. Since you’re going to extend invitations out to cousins, you may just try and budget for an extra 10/15 guests. However, there would be no need to invite a cousin’s very new girlfriend.

RanyaJerodung · 09/04/2025 07:23

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:17

It is just day time and then evening is 80 people

Show quote history

You could cut down on the evening invitations and have more for the day time?

Queenofthebrae · 09/04/2025 07:23

We had a similar sized wedding and I used the logic - if I wouldn’t ring you up in normal circumstances and invite you to dinner, then I’m not paying for a meal for you at my wedding. Harsh but I think weddings can get out of hand with family politics and trying to please others.

RanyaJerodung · 09/04/2025 07:24

Agix · 09/04/2025 07:17

This is exactly why fiance and I gave up and decided we're having parents and siblings only, at our local council house for our wedding.

We loved the idea of a big fancy wedding with everyone there in ways, but the reality was way too stressful, time consuming and expensive when we sat down to organise it. We have better things to do and spend money on.

My dad's advice was invite who we want, and don't invite who we don't want. Whatever we do, someone is going to gossip and be upset. I feel people will be less upset at not being invited if we make our wedding a total non-event.

What do you mean by your local council house?

BlondiePortz · 09/04/2025 07:24

RanyaJerodung · 09/04/2025 07:23

You could cut down on the evening invitations and have more for the day time?

Show quote history

We just had wedding and reception with same people I dont get this multible event thing, so that oculd save money

Genevieva · 09/04/2025 07:25

Traditionally spouses get an invitation, but boyfriends / girlfriends don’t. These days that might require some judgement regarding who is effectively married, depending on your circle of friends.

You don’t know X, so he snd his girlfriend won’t be expecting an invitation. However, I do think it’s sensible to start Roth that guest list before choosing the venue. Our wedding was never going to be fewer than 125 people, so we chose accordingly. It wasn’t an expensive wedding. Your 50-80 person venue might be putting unnecessary strain by on you.

Original poster
Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:26

MesmerisingMuon · 09/04/2025 07:21

Your wedding and your budget.

Why not have just parents, siblings and grandparents?

Or just elope??? Far less stressful then spend the money you save on a trip round the world.

We have considered both options. It’s just that I have an auntie that I’m extremely close to and has helped me with a lot in my life and I want her there. But then I know that will cause upset like “why is she invited and I’m not?” Etc. same with DP.. he really wants certain close friends there. I asked if he could narrow it down and just have 1 best man but he has been the best man at 3 peoples weddings and wants them all involved as his groomsmen. Also he has one cousin specifically (who I mentioned in my OP as cousin 1) who we see all the time. We go out with them regularly and have been on holiday with them and he is adamant that he wants them there. Which is understandable

OP posts:
Original poster
Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:27

Genevieva · 09/04/2025 07:25

Traditionally spouses get an invitation, but boyfriends / girlfriends don’t. These days that might require some judgement regarding who is effectively married, depending on your circle of friends.

You don’t know X, so he snd his girlfriend won’t be expecting an invitation. However, I do think it’s sensible to start Roth that guest list before choosing the venue. Our wedding was never going to be fewer than 125 people, so we chose accordingly. It wasn’t an expensive wedding. Your 50-80 person venue might be putting unnecessary strain by on you.

I did do the guest list before choosing the venue. I just didn’t share the guest list with anyone. DP and I sat down and did it before we even started searching for a venue. Now that it’s booked, I mentioned something last night and MIL said “wait… that person isn’t coming?” And I said no and then she said that isn’t right snd the convo went on from there

OP posts:
whosaidtha · 09/04/2025 07:27

I think I would be put out if my sister’s partner was invited but mine wasn’t. Especially a relationship of a few years. Maybe less if it was a partner of just a few months.