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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite them to the wedding?

234 replies

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:00

Please help, I’m having trouble with our wedding guest list. We both have big families and there’s a lot of people that we are very close to that we want there. The problem is, everyone has a plus one and it’s extremely expensive because it ends up being a LOT of people. I was speaking to my fiancés mum last night and she was saying I either need to invite peoples partners or not have them at all. I would agree with this all or nothing approach, however there are some peoples partners/spouses that we have relationships with, and others that I’ve probably only seen once in my life. We were specifically talking about two cousins who are sisters.
cousin 1 has been with her partner for 5 years, they have a house and a child together and we have been out with both of them numerous times and have a friendship with him.
cousin 2 has been with her partner for a few years, and I’ve seen him once or twice but never really spoken to him. My fiancés mum is saying I can’t invite one persons pertner and not the other. But I think surely it depends on our relationships with them?

she then goes on to say “x now has a girlfriend as well so you’d have to invite her” and I was getting so overwhelmed because I have only met X once and never ever met his new girlfriend and I don’t want to be introducing myself to people on my wedding day. I have to pay for people to be there and I’m not keen on paying for people that I don’t even know! But soon to be MIL is telling me it isn’t fair to have some and not others. It would also mean knocking some people off my own side of the family (actual family members) to make room for people partners that I’ve never met! We have a package which is 50 people. We can add more but it will cost extra per head and would honestly be so much money if we included everyone’s partners.

Please help.

OP posts:
Didimum · 09/04/2025 07:50

In my opinion, it’s terrible etiquette and hosting to only invite one half of a couple – they are a social unit. It’s better to discard some couples entirely in favour of the allowing all the plus ones necessary. Your budget is your budget – not an excuse to be a poor host, so if these people are really important to you, it’s even better to downgrade or cut out all the bells and whistles like expensive dresses, shoes, suits, flowers, invites, decorations, popcorn van etc in order to afford them.

The only exception is a group of work colleagues of whom you’ve never met their spouses.

Cosyblankets · 09/04/2025 07:51

How much would you lose if you cancelled and booked a bigger venue? It sounds like this one is too small and too expensive maybe.

Think about all the people you're cutting out.... would you expect an invite to their wedding? If you were invited would you want to go or would it feel like an obligation?
What you don't want to end up with is a load of people who are there out of obligation.

HappyHedgehog247 · 09/04/2025 07:51

You're giving a lot of power to your MIL here. Is she paying? It's your wedding. If you have an aunty you're very close to of course she should come, if your fiancée doesn't he doesn't have to invite aunts and uncles but may want his close cousin instead. Do what works for you and enjoy!

Gloriia · 09/04/2025 07:52

Obviously leave out new girlfriends but if one cousin has been with their dp years you invite them even if you don't socialise with them.
Agree with others just have immediate family if cost is an an issue.

GabriellaMontez · 09/04/2025 07:53

Could you only invite partners that you've met?

How many would this cut down?

MayaPinion · 09/04/2025 07:53

I don't think you can invite one half of a couple. If you have a restricted budget I’d hire the village hall and do a buffet. Either that or restrict to immediate family only.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 09/04/2025 07:54

Wolfpa · 09/04/2025 07:08

send a blanket message out about your budget and keeping numbers small. It’s fine to say that you are only going to invite people who you would hang out with on an individual level. I would also call your cousin separately to explain why her partner isn’t invited.

This is sensible and good advice👏🏻

LighthouseTeaCup · 09/04/2025 07:56

In your situation I would say forget about the plus 1 concept. It doesn't exist in your wedding universe.
You only invite people who you want to be there.

cousin 1 has been with her partner for 5 years, they have a house and a child together and we have been out with both of them numerous times and have a friendship with him.
cousin 2 has been with her partner for a few years, and I’ve seen him once or twice but never really spoken to him.

You want to invite cousin 1 and cousin 1s partner because you know and like them both as individuals

You want to invite cousin 2. But you don't want to invite their partner because you don't know them from Adam.

Furthermore the point of a plus 1 is so that the guest feels comfortable because they will know someone at the event. Cousin 2 has their whole family at your wedding so will feel comfortable enough without their partner. Equally they are free to decline your invite if it's an issue for them

If you MIL wants an opinion on this, she needs to pay the costs of all the plus ones.

Whatwouldnanado · 09/04/2025 07:57

Are you having a sit down meal? Could you switch to spend your budget on a buffet? Think most people would prefer that anyway. You’re lucky to have such a close family.

RanyaJerodung · 09/04/2025 07:58

It's not to make the guest feel "comfortable", it's because you acknowledge relationships.
However. It's a cost issue here. I think maybe the venue is too small?

NotNowMrTumble · 09/04/2025 07:59

This is exactly why my DD and her BF are delaying their wedding.

Your fiancé needs to explain to his Mum that you two can only afford 50 people. If your MIL wants to invite extra people from her side of the family then she has to pay for them herself. In advance. Before the wedding invitations go out.

My DM interfered with my wedding guest list and verbally invited loads of relative’s girlfriends who I’d never met and then blocked me when I wanted to invite one of my stepfather’s relatives and his wife. I still regret that decision 30 years later.

Petal, it’s your day. Your wedding. You pay for what you want to happen. If everyone chimes in with what they say should happen then they should open a kitty and take a collection for the all the extra guests they want there.

NotNowMrTumble · 09/04/2025 08:00

And you chose that venue for a reason.

So don’t change your venue to appease other people. Don’t invite people you don’t know.

What happens next? They change your wedding dress?

TheGentleOpalMember · 09/04/2025 08:01

Big families and all this hassle, sounds like eloping or a registry ceremony and tell people you are married at a later date would be a better idea.

londongirl12 · 09/04/2025 08:03

I’d say to mil that unless she wants to fund all the extra places, then it’s your decision. Although I think inviting cousin 1s partner but not cousin 2 could cause some rift, so that’s something to consider. Can you not do evening guests and use that money to fund more people during the day? Or don’t invite cousins at all apart from the evening. Or just invite who you want to and stick to it.

p.s. please don’t serve spaghetti bolognese at your wedding like someone suggested!!

TruthOrNo · 09/04/2025 08:04

Genevieva · 09/04/2025 07:35

In which case you are going to have to let MiL down gently.

Show quote history

What

Whose wedding is it. MIL had her wedding, it's nothing to do with her
I'd be saying to her if she wants all of these extra people inviting then she can pay for them.

Original poster
Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 08:06

To the people saying you can’t afford this wedding, we absolutely can afford the wedding we have booked. We can’t afford a big 30k wedding with 100s of people in a big amazing venue. Which is exactly why we aren’t doing that. We are having a wedding in a way that we can afford. Which means cutting a few things out (we are having a twilight which starts later in the day and goes from ceremony straight to reception with a buffet. No big formal sit down meal) and keeping the guests to a certain number. It would be a shame to not get married just because I can’t afford everyone’s plus ones. We are getting married in a way that we can mange. We are paying for it all ourselves with absolutely no contributions.

OP posts:
Gloriia · 09/04/2025 08:09

'We are having a wedding in a way that we can afford. Which means cutting a few things out '

Which is fine but you can't invite one cousins dp because you socialise with them and not the the other cousin's dp. Just don't invite cousins in that case or only invite them without their dps. but be consistent.

FrozenFeathers · 09/04/2025 08:09

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:05

Thank you, me and DP were talking to MIL on the phone together about it and both of us were standing firm that it’s our wedding and we will decide ourselves. But since then i can’t stop thinking about it and haven’t been able to sleep properly because I’m now wondering if we have to invite all these extra people and how much that’s going to cost 😔

Show quote history

If you don't object to the people and their partners being there for personal reasons and cost is the only prohibiting factor, I would suggest to your future MIL that they pay for the extra people they would like to be invited.

GabriellaMontez · 09/04/2025 08:10

We are paying for it all ourselves with absolutely no contributions.

Then you and df should do as you please. Mil sounds overinvolved. Now may be a good time to stop discussing it with her.

Why is she chatting to you and not your df about it? Is it because he won't tolerate her?!

Mumof2girls2121 · 09/04/2025 08:10

This is exactly why 22 years in DP and I are not married. 😂
I couldn’t cope with the guest list

MyDeftDuck · 09/04/2025 08:11

Personally, I would get married in secret and tell no one until after the event - yes, I know this would upset some but with escalating costs for the alternative scenario it would at least put a stop to the ever increasing invitation list.
Then, book a venue that has a bar where guests can buy their own drinks and provide an evening buffet (people will have had a meal before attending). This will no doubt work out so much cheaper and you will not have to favour one over another with the invitations.

Velvian · 09/04/2025 08:13

How about if you each have 30 guests @Timetogoo ? Then you can be consistent with your own families. DP doesn't invite cousins at all and you invite cousins and their partners.

Original poster
Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 08:13

Gloriia · 09/04/2025 08:09

'We are having a wedding in a way that we can afford. Which means cutting a few things out '

Which is fine but you can't invite one cousins dp because you socialise with them and not the the other cousin's dp. Just don't invite cousins in that case or only invite them without their dps. but be consistent.

I have seen a few people say that the rule for their wedding was “if I haven’t seen you in the past two years you aren’t invited” if I was going by that rule then there would have to be some unfairness to it. It’s like someone else said on here… do I want my wedding photos full of people I don’t know?

however, I am willing to accept that I can’t do this if the majority say it isn’t right. That’s why I’ve posted to see what the general consensus is because I will reconsider if it’s going to cause major upset and drama. That’s not what I want. It’s just difficult because we agreed on a wedding wjth not a lot of people but there’s so many people that we are so close to and want there that it then makes the numbers massive when you say “well if they’re, coming that means they have to come, and if they’re coming on your side I will have to invite on my side” it would have to be all or nothing which means people very close and dear to us would have to miss out on the day. Ugh

OP posts:
Neemie · 09/04/2025 08:14

50-60 is a tricky number if you have much of a family. It means you are going to have to be very tough about who you invite, but it is too big to say you only kept it to immediate family.

TheFunHare · 09/04/2025 08:14

I think another consideration is that you want everyone to have a good time and if you are there without your partner it's probably not putting you in the best place to do that. I would always have choosen numbers over more fancy choices. But also if its stressing you that's not what this is supposed to be about. Can ypu think again about the type of wedding.