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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite them to the wedding?

234 replies

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:00

Please help, I’m having trouble with our wedding guest list. We both have big families and there’s a lot of people that we are very close to that we want there. The problem is, everyone has a plus one and it’s extremely expensive because it ends up being a LOT of people. I was speaking to my fiancés mum last night and she was saying I either need to invite peoples partners or not have them at all. I would agree with this all or nothing approach, however there are some peoples partners/spouses that we have relationships with, and others that I’ve probably only seen once in my life. We were specifically talking about two cousins who are sisters.
cousin 1 has been with her partner for 5 years, they have a house and a child together and we have been out with both of them numerous times and have a friendship with him.
cousin 2 has been with her partner for a few years, and I’ve seen him once or twice but never really spoken to him. My fiancés mum is saying I can’t invite one persons pertner and not the other. But I think surely it depends on our relationships with them?

she then goes on to say “x now has a girlfriend as well so you’d have to invite her” and I was getting so overwhelmed because I have only met X once and never ever met his new girlfriend and I don’t want to be introducing myself to people on my wedding day. I have to pay for people to be there and I’m not keen on paying for people that I don’t even know! But soon to be MIL is telling me it isn’t fair to have some and not others. It would also mean knocking some people off my own side of the family (actual family members) to make room for people partners that I’ve never met! We have a package which is 50 people. We can add more but it will cost extra per head and would honestly be so much money if we included everyone’s partners.

Please help.

OP posts:
AliciaSoo · 10/04/2025 17:14

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:00

Please help, I’m having trouble with our wedding guest list. We both have big families and there’s a lot of people that we are very close to that we want there. The problem is, everyone has a plus one and it’s extremely expensive because it ends up being a LOT of people. I was speaking to my fiancés mum last night and she was saying I either need to invite peoples partners or not have them at all. I would agree with this all or nothing approach, however there are some peoples partners/spouses that we have relationships with, and others that I’ve probably only seen once in my life. We were specifically talking about two cousins who are sisters.
cousin 1 has been with her partner for 5 years, they have a house and a child together and we have been out with both of them numerous times and have a friendship with him.
cousin 2 has been with her partner for a few years, and I’ve seen him once or twice but never really spoken to him. My fiancés mum is saying I can’t invite one persons pertner and not the other. But I think surely it depends on our relationships with them?

she then goes on to say “x now has a girlfriend as well so you’d have to invite her” and I was getting so overwhelmed because I have only met X once and never ever met his new girlfriend and I don’t want to be introducing myself to people on my wedding day. I have to pay for people to be there and I’m not keen on paying for people that I don’t even know! But soon to be MIL is telling me it isn’t fair to have some and not others. It would also mean knocking some people off my own side of the family (actual family members) to make room for people partners that I’ve never met! We have a package which is 50 people. We can add more but it will cost extra per head and would honestly be so much money if we included everyone’s partners.

Please help.

I'm with MiL, people will say, " it's your wedding and you do as you please" however, if you invite people without their partners, your relationship with them will decline. Inviting someone without their partner in my opinion is very rude.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 10/04/2025 18:11

No parent should be telling you who to invite if they're not contributing to the cost

Xmasxrackers · 10/04/2025 18:40

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:09

I have mum, dad, step mum, step dad, a brother and sister, nanna, grandad, grandma.

My partner has mum, dad, step mum, step dad, and 6 siblings who all have partners or wives etc. and then his grandma. I’m extremely close to my auntie and want her there but then feel like I can’t invite my auntie and not his and then it just extends like that because if we are inviting aunties then we have to invite uncles, they all have partners. He is very close to his cousins and sees them all the time but he has 6 cousins who again all have partners but he feels he can’t invite just some cousins and not others. He has a best man and then 4 groomsman who are all already married and we were invited to their weddings (me included) so feel like we also have to add their wives as plus ones. And it just goes on and on adding more and more people.

Show quote history

OP, I had a big group of really close work friends who all knew each other and socialised outside of work together without DP/Hs. I invited them all without their partners so they could still have a girlie day/night out and they all said it was the best time without them lol

sellotapestucktomyarse · 10/04/2025 18:58

Myself and DH had this when we were arranging our wedding. We both have large families and felt awkward in decisions about who to invite. In the end we had family we were close to and their +1’s as well as close friends. When it came to ones we weren’t as close with, we invited some cousins / friends but no +1’s and said we were sorry but we had numbers we couldn’t go over. The ones not invited to the day were invited to the night instead where numbers weren’t so much of an issue. Everyone we spoke to were great about it and completely understood. It’s an expensive day and no one has the right to dictate who should go etc. if your DP’s mum is so adamant about people being invited ask her if she is paying for them? Because if she’s not then tell her to fuck off it’s down to cost and say a firm no and stick to your guns and certainly don’t be removing your own family who you are close to and there for the sake of someone you’ve met once

Jiggedyjig · 10/04/2025 19:23

AprilBunny · 09/04/2025 09:24

I had a really similar scenario, except I had 40 wedding day slots and my DH has 4 siblings all with partners. We allocated 20 place each, I was able to include my favourite aunts and uncles and he didn’t.

We invited a fairly even amount of friends. I then invited cousins plus ones to the evening.

Ideally I would have liked a couple of my cousins to the ceremony but the register office only had space for 40 people and at the time I was closer to a few of my aunts and uncles.

50 guests is a small number as your DH has so many siblings.

This. Allocate half the spaces each then each decide who to invite.

VineandIvy · 10/04/2025 19:57

The etiquette around weddings has changed drastically in the last 15 years. They are incredibly expensive compared to your MIL’s time.
I’d gently tell her this and that unless she is contributing to the overall cost of the day she doesn’t get to dictate the wedding list.

I got married 5 months ago. Small affair with only the people I know and loved there. Did it upset my mother who thought all 12 of her sisters and their children should be invited - yes. Did she get over it and we had a fantastic day. Also yes.

This is very much a you do you. A wedding is a day. A marriage is a lifetime and its much better to be pragmatic about the things you can afford and giving yourself the best start to married life!

good luck!

NoSoupForU · 10/04/2025 20:00

I think its incredibly rude to invite somebody to a wedding without inviting their partner. Disrespecting other people's relationships whilst expecting them to celebrate yours doesn't sit right with me.

I think you should cut your cloth accordingly, and plan something you can afford, or not invite those who you wouldn't extend the invite to partners for.

croydon15 · 10/04/2025 20:17

It's your wedding not your MIL, invite who you want, if your MIL want extra she can pay, just tell her you can't afford extras.

Owl55 · 10/04/2025 20:22

I said to my daughter “would you normally take this person out for a meal that would cost you £105 per head “ because that’s the minimum it costs to invite a distant cousin who you never see to your wedding reception and evening , it helped her to decide . Perhaps Future mother in law will pay for them to attend?? Cheeky

PurpleFlower1983 · 10/04/2025 20:28

I voted YABU only because a close friend was in the exact same situation and this led to the breakdown of a very close 30 year friendship with with some of the guests (my friends) whose partners were not invited.

It’s your wedding and you can invite who you want but be prepared that some people have strong views on these things! My friends were very annoyed, especially as the bride had been invited to all their weddings with respective partners.

They had a similar set up to you numbers wise.

pimplebum · 10/04/2025 20:39

I was offended my partner and co habituating parent was not invited to cousin’s wedding we were not married but had been together 5 years

i did not make a fuss and went gladly to wedding and love them dearly but it still hurt and is not forgotten

my way of dealing with it was to list people in order of how keen I was to have them and invite them first and as rsvp came back I then could invite more people on the waiting list
the risk is people who are invited late may realise they were last on our list

FarmGirl78 · 10/04/2025 20:46

RanyaJerodung · 09/04/2025 07:14

I'm wondering if you can invite those partners, but maybe cut back on other things? Don't have any extras like wedding favours, for example?

10% of their guests are Best Man and Other Groomsmen. That seems like a ridiculous figure for a small wedding. Thats an easy cut back as no-one would bat an eyelid at only 2 or 3 for instance. Suit hire costs could pay for other guests.

ThistleTits · 10/04/2025 20:47

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:27

I did do the guest list before choosing the venue. I just didn’t share the guest list with anyone. DP and I sat down and did it before we even started searching for a venue. Now that it’s booked, I mentioned something last night and MIL said “wait… that person isn’t coming?” And I said no and then she said that isn’t right snd the convo went on from there

Show quote history

Stick to that list and don't be swayed by future mil. If she wants more people, she funds it. I wish you both every happiness in your life together.

Pessismistic · 10/04/2025 21:14

Wedding is costly thing. I have family who invited 1 sibling and not others it is about having your close family and friends together. just send out invites without plus one if you don’t want them there and if the cousin or whoever is miffed let them be. It’s your day and your money if you went to a restaurant for a birthday meal would you pay for everything? Probably not it’s your celebration you choose. tbh I prefer when I’m not invited as it is costly for guests as well. That is any relative apart from siblings. But cousins, niece, and nephews especially if I’m not close to them or don’t see them I’m relieved not to be asked.

DaxieTaxi · 11/04/2025 07:23

You could always suggest your MIL pays for all the extra people she’s expecting you to invite…?

Mumofamotorsportfanatic · 11/04/2025 07:53

Do what is best and suits you, it’s your day and nobody else’s. We had a package with 30 people and for my split of the guest list I only invited my family and not partners. In fairness it was arranged in 14 weeks in the hope my mum would be around to attend but there was no bad blood that partners weren’t invited and we had a great time. I honestly wouldn’t change a thing.

GiveDogBone · 11/04/2025 07:57

We had a rule for our wedding, if we hadn’t seen the potential invitee (or their partner) in the past 18 months they didn’t get an invite. That cut out a lot of the “hangers on” from the extended family.

I mean what’s the point of inviting a bunch of people you’ll only ever see at your wedding, it’s supposed to be an intimate celebration.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 11/04/2025 10:03

That's similar to my lottery win rule, @GiveDogBone. If someone hasn't been in touch with me for eighteen months then they're off the list!

MsBubbles85 · 11/04/2025 14:45

What we did for our wedding (it was in my home country) was invite all parents with partners, siblings with partners, aunts/uncles with partners and cousins with partners. Then went to the friends list and invited the close ones with their partners, finally family friends (requests from my parents/my inlaws). There were some of my husbands cousins that I hadn't met until the day before the wedding and same with some of the partners. We had been dating for a bit over 2 years by that time.
Last year a cousin of my husband's got married and invited all the cousins with partners, some of them hadn't been introduced to the wider family. I know for sure she hadn't met my BIL's girlfriend!
In my case, the cousins (or their parents) would have been offended if the invitation wouldn't have been extended to their partners as well.

Calamitousness · 11/04/2025 14:52

50 guests it s a very small wedding. Cut it right back. Why are you even inviting the guy you’ve met once or twice and arguing over his partner. It needs to just be immediate family. Probably no cousins at all and then friends. And yes, you need to invite their partners. Just accept it’s a very small wedding and tell your mil that if she pays she can increase the no.s.

Rednotdead · 11/04/2025 16:17

Elope?

user1497787065 · 11/04/2025 16:21

Just invite the people who are important to
you and you would like to be there.

FluffyBenji23 · 11/04/2025 18:10

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. When I married (38 years ago now!) we invited people we hadn't even met as they were relatives! Ridiculous, as we never saw some of the again. In contrast a lovely friend remarried not long ago and only invited the people she cared about. If she wasn't a friend of their partner, then they didn't come. Everyone was fine about it, we loved and knew her really well and it was one of the most meaningful weddings I've ever been to. People are not entitled to a plus one. I have said no in the past to some evening invites because of this, but that's fine. They just asked someone else.

T1Dmama · 12/04/2025 12:52

We did a similar thing… booked a package deal for 50 people.
we invited my nan, both sets of parents, (his dads wife didn’t come by choice)…
invited aunts and uncles, he only had one cousin he’s close to so he was invited - my cousins and their families were only invited to the evening … we invited closest friends only (rest were evening only) and we stated that no children were included in invites except nieces and nephews & god children.. he had 4 at the time and I had 3… children could come to the evening…
had we invited my 6 cousins that would have meant also inviting 6 plus ones - 12 extra people is a LOT of money! And I think people get very lost in this when complaining they can’t bring their partners to weddings of people their partners haven’t met!!
Just a thought but could you invite only the cousins you actually have a relationship with? OR invite cousins and say no plus ones…. Then invite the partners you actually know and socialise separately? - then if questioned you can say they were invited as a friend of yours not as a plus one?!?
OR invite just the people you actually want there and tell everyone else that if they’re willing to pay the extra they can then and only then comment on your choices!!!…. I have known people to allow plus ones but they’ve paid upfront for their own meal!!
I got married almost 20 years ago and the food and drink package alone for just the wedding breakfast was £50 a head!! We saved £600 just by excluding cousins on the day! We saved an absolute fortune by not inviting children!
People often moan that their spouses and children aren’t invited to weddings… but they fail to see how costly their partner and 2 children make the other persons wedding!

Just include a note with the invites stating that you are keeping numbers to a minimum so partners (unless invited individually) are not included in the invites….if one cousin moans that their siblings partner is invited you can merely say ‘yes they’re invited as they are our friend & we spend time with them…. I’m so glad I didn’t invite all my cousins…. Some I barely even know… have only met their children and partners at weddings and funerals etc!
Don’t loose sleep over it… this is your day not MIL’s… refuse to discuss it further.
when she tells you cousin joe is upset Bob isn’t invited just keep repeating that you’re on a budget… end of story!! Or say ‘shall we un-invite family so virtual strangers can attend?’

Elsvieta · 12/04/2025 13:07

Your future MIL isn't paying, so she doesn't get a vote.

You do have to invite spouses; you don't have to invite unmarried partners. So if cash / numbers are limited, don't.

You have 25 slots available for your side in the day, and 40 for evening. Your fiance has the same. You decide who your 25/40 are, and he does the same (whether he discusses it with his mum is up to him - stay out of it).

You're always going to have to introduce yourself to one or two people at your wedding - friends or relatives of your fiance who you don't know. But no, of course you don't have to invite their girlfriends who they haven't even been seeing long. Seriously, though, leave it to your fiance to decide who he's picking, and if MIL isn't happy, let her moan at him not you. Do you really want to get into that whole dynamic where women organize everything to do with a couple's social life and have to manage relationships with his family as well as theirs, before you're even married? It's a bad precedent to set.