To not invite them to the wedding?

[Timetogoo]

Please help, I’m having trouble with our wedding guest list. We both have big families and there’s a lot of people that we are very close to that we want there. The problem is, everyone has a plus one and it’s extremely expensive because it ends up being a LOT of people. I was speaking to my fiancés mum last night and she was saying I either need to invite peoples partners or not have them at all. I would agree with this all or nothing approach, however there are some peoples partners/spouses that we have relationships with, and others that I’ve probably only seen once in my life. We were specifically talking about two cousins who are sisters.
cousin 1 has been with her partner for 5 years, they have a house and a child together and we have been out with both of them numerous times and have a friendship with him.
cousin 2 has been with her partner for a few years, and I’ve seen him once or twice but never really spoken to him. My fiancés mum is saying I can’t invite one persons pertner and not the other. But I think surely it depends on our relationships with them?

she then goes on to say “x now has a girlfriend as well so you’d have to invite her” and I was getting so overwhelmed because I have only met X once and never ever met his new girlfriend and I don’t want to be introducing myself to people on my wedding day. I have to pay for people to be there and I’m not keen on paying for people that I don’t even know! But soon to be MIL is telling me it isn’t fair to have some and not others. It would also mean knocking some people off my own side of the family (actual family members) to make room for people partners that I’ve never met! We have a package which is 50 people. We can add more but it will cost extra per head and would honestly be so much money if we included everyone’s partners.

Please help.

you don’t invite plus ones necessarily for you or them, but to try ensure the person you are inviting has a good day! You’ll get variety of opinions - personally, I think unless it’s a distinct group (all cousins/all work colleagues) not getting a plus one as they are attending as a group and have company, it is going to cause issues - having some invited and others not sounds like a recipe for everyone to be annoyed! Also, lots of people may not attend if you don’t invite their partner as it (rightly or wrongly!) is perceived as rude so you need to be okay with that. Personally if my husbands cousin invited him and not me, I would assume she had an issue with me and we both wouldn’t go.. but if she didn’t invite either of us, I wouldn’t think twice about it!

That’s right! I was going to mention in my OP that cousin 2s relationship is more “casual” in that they don’t live together or anything but didn’t know if it was relevant and didn’t want people flaming me for saying one relationship is more important than another (which isn’t what mean)

@Timetogoo invite your initial list and tell mum and mil if they want others added they pay for them to be added

Our nephew (Dhs sisters son) got married 2 years ago we were not invited. His aunts and uncles on his father's side were all there as were cousins and cousins children. Did it hurt? Yes I was hurt. I didn't kick off a fuss nor have I told them off over it. When dd1 started doing her guest list she asked me of she should invite them. I said up to you and fiance but they didn't invite you to their wedding so you are fine not to. She decided to invite them as she is close to younger brother of nephew. She did not invite other set of cousins she had met three-four times in her life (once at their grandma's funeral)

Do what is right for you.

Stop now. This is meant to be a joyous occasion!

Bluntly, you don’t have the budget for the wedding and number of people you want. If marriage is your priority, focus on that rather than a (very overpriced) party. You can get married for a few hundred quid tops. If the big wedding party is your priority, wait until you have the budget to invite as many people as you want to.

You may find that you naturally lower your numbers anyway when you start inviting some people without their partner. Many of them will likely decline.

We got married (abroad, and not a beach package) with our absolutely closest family members present, total of 9 people including the 2 of us, then had a big party at home a few weeks later. Total cost of everything (including all legalities, photographer, meal, flights & hotel for 3 of the guests) was max £5k, and that was with a free bar at the later party. No stress, no pissing people off, and a very happy way to start our marriage. The party was open invite and people who genuinely wanted to be there to wish us well were there. It was lovely.

I would absolutely be inviting you in that case because you are married. And part of the family you have married into. My issue is, I would be inviting plus ones that are married and/or that I’m close to. But not partners who are just boyfriend or girlfriend who I don’t know. So my aunties husband for example would get an invite, whereas DPs 20 year old cousins boyfriend who she doesn’t live with wasnt getting an invite.

Just do what you want and what makes sense to you both. Someone will get pissed off, so you may as well at least get what you want. Usually going with the all or nothing approach can make it easier though because it cuts out any grey areas.

Ask her if she wants to contribute the cost of all these extra people? It’s your wedding, not hers

I don't think you need to invite the same people on each side, e.g. just because you are close to your aunt, doesn't mean DP has to invite his aunt if he doesn't want to. Same with DP being closer to his cousins than you are to yours. Guests aren't going to know who the people on the other person's side are. Start with the definites e.g. parents, siblings, close friends etc then work out who is most important to fill the rest.

I agree with a pp that you could include cousin 1 and her DH on one invite and then invite aunt, uncle and cousin 2 on another if cousin 2 still lives at home.

If you really love the venue and package you've found then don't change it just to suit MIL, you're only doing this once, so do it the way you want.

The trick is to be very very vague when questioned about wedding plans. All sorts of people feel entitled to spout their worthless opinion.
Your fiancé needs to correct his mother.
I don't see the need to invite some relative who is a stranger, nor their current girl/boyfriend.

People should realise when they're only invited out of obligation and politely decline.

I see what you’re saying! as long as it’s clear - married/cohabiting get invites but people dating don’t? I still think some people will be upset (and that might be okay - people aren’t owed an invite!) but I think you’ll find it easier if you have a general rule rather than based on how well you know someone which involves more judgement!! Hopefully you’ll have a fabulous day no matter what you decide!

I think invite exactly who you like and explain why certain partners aren’t invited (just to avoid any awkwardness) I have a huge family and recently my husband and I were invited to a family wedding as we’re both close with the groom(my cousin). He couldn’t invite the partners of my other cousins due to numbers/cost and the fact he hadn’t met them. It was fine with everyone. They understood. Stand your ground, it’s your day!!

I invited the partners that were living together and an established couple/had dcs, iykwim.
At £150 a head I wasn't paying for my cousins gf of three months to attend my wedding!

When did 'groomsmen' as opposed to 'ushers' become a thing?

Is it because so many weddings aren't in church anymore?

Ushers had a job. What do groomsmen do?

<misses point of thread>

ALL the pet owning neighbours are a bloody nuisance frankly. All as bad as each other

dogs can be trained not to be barking in garden- sheer freaking bad ownership. If you want a bloody hound dog or husky that are by default noisy, live in sound proof property miles from ANY neighbour.

whilst cats in uk law have a “right to roam”, the owners in law still have a duty of care in preventing them from doing harm or damage. Cat owners can be sued for not doing that. Cats repeatedly shitting in gardens with kids could do actual harm (toxoplasmosis etc) and certainly cats can do damage. Neighbours cat has wrecked my fence by using it to climb in and out of my property as it got older 😤. cat owners often take the right to roam default position as their right to let their cat roam into neighbours gardens and piss and shit or damage fences and plants. They don’t have that right, they have a responsisiblty to prevent their cat doing that

so, 2 wrongs don’t make a right here OP. when you prevent your dogs creating a public nuisance by barking and yapping when they’re out, or you don’t have dogs, then you can launch with the loosing shit approach. Provided you aren’t creating another sort of neighbourly nusinance

you could have achieved the same thing, with a more moderate approach…”well A, I understand you want me to train my dogs to not bark, and I can do that to be a good neighbour, provided you too are a good neighbour and do something to stop your cats doing x,y,z. So how are we going to achieve this together? “ and genuinely mean this.

doing an all out shit show re cars etc has not helped resolve the issue. You’ve cut your nose off to spite your face. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I was going to suggest this. My family is a lot smaller than ex DH's, so my cousins etc were invited, while his list didn't even get as far as some of his aunts.
Personally, if his mum wants to be involved (and I know it's unfashionable on MN to even speak to your (future) MIL), I would tell her the numbers you're talking about for his side and let Germany send your DP decide between them.
If I remember correctly, we had 100 places, which we divided about 20 for mutual friends, then 40 for each family.

Go the other way & cut the list down.

The list you made of parents, grandparents, siblings (plus partners), groomsmen (plus partners) and your Auntie comes to about 37 people. Including yourselves makes 39.

I would then add on the Cousin 1 & partner that you are both close to. It won’t cause offence to the others then.

You haven’t mentioned any close friends that you want, are you having any bridesmaids? Add those on, and then STOP - even if you haven’t got to 50. It’s better for your budget to have 46 people rather than 66.

Yes I have my sister and 3 best friends. I won’t be inviting my friends 3 partners to the day time and they won’t mind because 2 of them have already gotten married this year and they did the same thing. I was invited but DP wasnt

I had a really similar scenario, except I had 40 wedding day slots and my DH has 4 siblings all with partners. We allocated 20 place each, I was able to include my favourite aunts and uncles and he didn’t.

We invited a fairly even amount of friends. I then invited cousins plus ones to the evening.

Ideally I would have liked a couple of my cousins to the ceremony but the register office only had space for 40 people and at the time I was closer to a few of my aunts and uncles.

50 guests is a small number as your DH has so many siblings.

If you're not inviting bridesmaids' partners, why are you inviting groomsmen's partners?

I don’t think your DH need to do the same thing as long as you each allocate half your invites.

This is not a bad idea. Assuming 50 includes the OP and her DH to be, that makes 24 guests for DH and 24 guests for OP.

Then it's her DH's responsibility to work out how many places there are for his family and talk to his mother about who makes the cut.

They might be annoyed if they see that the groomsmen’s partners have been invited though. So personally I would invite their partners, also they are going to know very few people so I would want my best friends to be comfortable.

You don’t have to invite all aunts/ uncles/ cousins on both sides just because you want to invite the ones you are close to. My cousin got married last year, I wasn’t invited, one of my siblings was. I didn’t think ‘why did they invite one cousin and not me?’ My sibling is close to our cousin, I’m not, it was completely understandable not to invite me. Invite the people you want to your wedding and don’t feel like just because you’ve invited an aunt/ cousin that one of you is close to you have to invite the relatives who you are hardly in touch with! Everybody understands that weddings are expensive and that most people want their closest friends and family there based on how close the emotional relationship is rather than where they sit on the family tree. If anybody in your or DH’s family would be upset because you invited a relation you’re close to but not another relation you’re hardly in touch with that says more about them than you! Plus if you’re not close with those relatives does it really matter what they think? Who cares if a cousin you never speak to is upset not to be invited?

Stick to your list of 60. Say to MIL it's your wedding, (I presume) you are paying for it (did I miss who is paying) and thus you'll have to stick to the 60. No discussion.

If MIL is not happy, just repeat it's your wedding and you want a small wedding.

It’s YOUR wedding and budget. Honestly just invite who you want to the daytime and add the ones who you can’t afford or not met many times to the evening it’s really not that difficult. Ignore your MIL she sounds like she’s sticking her nose in to much. We are getting married abroad in September and our original number was 80. It’s now at 100 because my partner wanted to invite more people on his side which is fine and we’re lucky we can afford it. if I had the option and it wasn’t abroad it would be evening only.