Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite them to the wedding?

234 replies

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:00

Please help, I’m having trouble with our wedding guest list. We both have big families and there’s a lot of people that we are very close to that we want there. The problem is, everyone has a plus one and it’s extremely expensive because it ends up being a LOT of people. I was speaking to my fiancés mum last night and she was saying I either need to invite peoples partners or not have them at all. I would agree with this all or nothing approach, however there are some peoples partners/spouses that we have relationships with, and others that I’ve probably only seen once in my life. We were specifically talking about two cousins who are sisters.
cousin 1 has been with her partner for 5 years, they have a house and a child together and we have been out with both of them numerous times and have a friendship with him.
cousin 2 has been with her partner for a few years, and I’ve seen him once or twice but never really spoken to him. My fiancés mum is saying I can’t invite one persons pertner and not the other. But I think surely it depends on our relationships with them?

she then goes on to say “x now has a girlfriend as well so you’d have to invite her” and I was getting so overwhelmed because I have only met X once and never ever met his new girlfriend and I don’t want to be introducing myself to people on my wedding day. I have to pay for people to be there and I’m not keen on paying for people that I don’t even know! But soon to be MIL is telling me it isn’t fair to have some and not others. It would also mean knocking some people off my own side of the family (actual family members) to make room for people partners that I’ve never met! We have a package which is 50 people. We can add more but it will cost extra per head and would honestly be so much money if we included everyone’s partners.

Please help.

OP posts:
inappropriateraspberry · 09/04/2025 07:27

I’d invite immediate family, including partners and niblings. Then invite aunts and uncles, but not cousins if space/numbers are limited. You can invite them to the evening. I agree with MIL, it’s kind of all or nothing as it can get very complicated otherwise! At our wedding many of my cousins have adult children who then also have partners, so we said no children apart from our nephews. Everyone u sees told. Some cousins with younger children couldn’t come. Fine, we all understood why and no hard feelings. Also remember that you may invite people, but that doesn’t mean they will come! Your cousin’s partner who you don’t know many not want to come, or somebody else may have other commitments that day already.

FiveMoreMinutesPlease · 09/04/2025 07:28

From past experience with leaving certain people out because of venue size, my suggestion would be to change your venue to cater for more. You will remember the feeling and the emotional joy in years to come, rather than the place.

Radiantblur · 09/04/2025 07:29

I wouldn’t worry either way. Most people won’t care anywhere near as much about your wedding as you do. There will be quite a few who will be welcoming of a reason not to attend.

MiddleClassProblem · 09/04/2025 07:31

Have you booked the venue?

Firstly it’s perfectly normal to invite one cousin’s partner who have been together years and not another’s who have been together months. Your OG list is fine but if you haven’t booked the venue, another option is core for service, then a blessing afterwards somewhere cheaper, possibly the same place as the reception where everyone is invited. I went to a wedding like this and the blessing was in a lovely local park (not the playground type) then on to the reception. For all, the blessing was like a proper wedding as it had reading and personal vows etc but they just did the legal bit else where before.

user1492757084 · 09/04/2025 07:32

You clearly have numerous friends and cousins who you want to invite. They are close and they invited you to their wedding.

In your case I would invite partners if they are engaged or living together.
My brother has a useful saying - NO RING = NO BRING.

I would both invite all parents, grandparents, siblings and their partners. Closest friends and bridal party.

Then your fiance likes to invite cousins and their close partners, where as you like to invite Uncles and Aunties.

You don't have to invite all of your cousins, nor all of your friends, nor many of your parents' friends, nor all of your Aunties etc. Choose any child attendants from the children of guests already invited.

Personally, I would go for paying more for more guests but have heartier, sustaining food rather than light fancy food. Really examine your menu. Get value for your money.
The wedding cake can serve as sweets, with added ice-cream, cream and fruit. Make and freeze lots of the nibbles yourself in advance such as mini pizzas, savoury muffins, club sandwiches, mini sausages and dumplings. Serve food that goes a long way like Spaghetti Bolognaise, Green Chicken Curry, Spicy Lental Beef and rice, or large Spit Roasts with vegetables, gravy and extra baked potatoes for hungry folk. Offer cheese toasties late into the night. As long as guests are not hungry and they have a fun time.

Genevieva · 09/04/2025 07:33

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:09

I have mum, dad, step mum, step dad, a brother and sister, nanna, grandad, grandma.

My partner has mum, dad, step mum, step dad, and 6 siblings who all have partners or wives etc. and then his grandma. I’m extremely close to my auntie and want her there but then feel like I can’t invite my auntie and not his and then it just extends like that because if we are inviting aunties then we have to invite uncles, they all have partners. He is very close to his cousins and sees them all the time but he has 6 cousins who again all have partners but he feels he can’t invite just some cousins and not others. He has a best man and then 4 groomsman who are all already married and we were invited to their weddings (me included) so feel like we also have to add their wives as plus ones. And it just goes on and on adding more and more people.

Show quote history

Allocate yourselves 25 places each and go from there. That way you don’t feel guilty for inviting your aunt and uncle.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 09/04/2025 07:33

Start with your list of friends first and family after. If family want you to invite more they can pay towards it. We have small families and narrowed it down to 110...

Original poster
Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:34

Radiantblur · 09/04/2025 07:29

I wouldn’t worry either way. Most people won’t care anywhere near as much about your wedding as you do. There will be quite a few who will be welcoming of a reason not to attend.

This is also what I think, I said last night surely this person who has only met me twice and both times we just said “hello” will not care about not being invited! But MIL says it’s the principle.
I have a huge side of my family that I never see. I last saw them at my 30th birthday two years ago and haven’t spoken to any of them since. I don’t even have their phone numbers. I said to my mum would it be awful to not invite them and she thinks I should so I have included them in the guest list. But now I’m wondering if I knock them off to make room for closer relatives plus ones

OP posts:
Genevieva · 09/04/2025 07:35

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:27

I did do the guest list before choosing the venue. I just didn’t share the guest list with anyone. DP and I sat down and did it before we even started searching for a venue. Now that it’s booked, I mentioned something last night and MIL said “wait… that person isn’t coming?” And I said no and then she said that isn’t right snd the convo went on from there

Show quote history

In which case you are going to have to let MiL down gently.

ThejoyofNC · 09/04/2025 07:38

It's absolutely none of MILs business.

But by picking and choosing which partners to invite, you are obviously going to cause upset. It sounds like you've booked a venue that you can't afford tbh.

Who is paying for this wedding? How much is it costing?

Diarygirlqueen · 09/04/2025 07:39

I agree with your mil, it's not nice inviting one partner of a cousin and not her sisters, would probably bring unnecessary drama to your day.
In your post, you've mentioned an extra 3 people, can you just not accommodate them to meet in the middle?

Autumn38 · 09/04/2025 07:39

BlueMum16 · 09/04/2025 07:05

Start with mums and dad's and siblings. How many do you have.
Do you have grandparents? How many does this take you to?
Then add your closest friends. How many to you have?

How many places or.the 50 are left?

This is your wedding. It's your guest list.

Personally unless you socialise with cousins they wouldn't make my list.

But MIL s correct, you can't invite one cousin's partner and not another IMO.

I agree. To be honest I agree with your future MIL that you either invite partners or you don’t.

And to be honest if I were cousin 1 I’d feel so awkward if my partner was invited and my own sister’s partner wasn’t.

I’m sort of imagining this scenario for myself- i have a cousin who I see loads and he knows my DH. My brother and SIL ( who I see loads and am really close to) don’t see him anywhere near as much. I’d still be gutted if my lovely SIL wasn’t invited to his wedding - I’d feel so bad and it would ruin the day. I’d actually prefer for just my DB and me to be invited rather than me and DH but only DB.

to be honest you should have firmed up the potential guest list before choosing your package/wedding format.

RanyaJerodung · 09/04/2025 07:40

FiveMoreMinutesPlease · 09/04/2025 07:28

From past experience with leaving certain people out because of venue size, my suggestion would be to change your venue to cater for more. You will remember the feeling and the emotional joy in years to come, rather than the place.

I think that's a good idea. Could you book a bigger, cheaper venue? Don't bother with an evening do, just invite those you care about to your wedding.

user1492757084 · 09/04/2025 07:41

Also accept MIL financial assistance to pay for an extra ten people.

Pretz123 · 09/04/2025 07:41

Honestly op, anyone you haven't spoken to in two years or who you don't have a phone number for should not be invited. This is your day....to celebrate your love with people who care and love you. Do you really want to look back at your group photo and wonder why it's full of people you never see?!

CoffeeBeansGalore · 09/04/2025 07:42

This is your wedding, not MiL's.
Your partner has more immediate family. No reason to not invite the auntie you are close to & her husband.
You add up parents, grandparents, siblings & partners, best man, groomsman & their partners. Any spaces left you both choose. Then add on cousins you like & friends for the evening.

We had very little money and had just bought a house when we were planning to get married. My MiL started with the "you have to invite" and was including her old neighbours 🙄. And DH had a far bigger family than me. We were paying for everything wiith no help. Realised we just couldn't afford it before we put down deposits. We eloped.

You can never please everyone. Do what makes you both happy and won't bankrupt you.
Congratulations, & all the best for the future.

Autumn38 · 09/04/2025 07:43

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:34

This is also what I think, I said last night surely this person who has only met me twice and both times we just said “hello” will not care about not being invited! But MIL says it’s the principle.
I have a huge side of my family that I never see. I last saw them at my 30th birthday two years ago and haven’t spoken to any of them since. I don’t even have their phone numbers. I said to my mum would it be awful to not invite them and she thinks I should so I have included them in the guest list. But now I’m wondering if I knock them off to make room for closer relatives plus ones

Show quote history

It’s that fact that one cousin will get to spend the day with her partner whilst her sister doesn’t.

Are you sure cousin 1 won’t actually be a bit annoyed with you and it might ruin the friendship you have. Like I said in a PP- I’d be gutted if my SIL wasn’t invited and to be honest it would make me view you in a different way.

Viviennemary · 09/04/2025 07:43

It sounds a total headache. Tell mil if she wants those extra folk invited then she can pay for them. But the point is I don't think you can invite People without their partners. Sounds like you simply can't afford this wedding. Maybe you need to reconsider.

inquisitivemind · 09/04/2025 07:43

I personally agree that if you don’t invite the partner then don’t invite the person. I had this approach with my wedding. However, it’s different if you have a friend at work you want to invite who happens to be married vs a family member who has a partner.

I also think you could do it by engagement / marriage / children - ie if just boyfriend and girlfriend, no invite.

Thoughtsonstuff · 09/04/2025 07:44

Not inviting cousins is perfectly normal. I'd be really strict. At my wedding all my husband's six cousins came and we have never been invited back to any of their weddings so I'm a bit annoyed we asked them. It was my MIL who made us. We didn't particularly want to. If I would do it again 20 years later I'd strip the guest list right down and save the cash for the honeymoon!

And yes..no partners. Or just the ones you know well.No one can really object who you invite or don't invite realistically. No one really cares so I wouldn't lose sleep over it. Weddings are far too stressful anyway and you end up worrying about minor things like inviting partners of cousins rather than enjoying the run up to your day.

And another edit...if your MIL wants particular guests invited like all partners, she pays. Perfectly reasonable.

EilishMcCandlish · 09/04/2025 07:46

Invite your list of 50. MIL picks up the tab for anyone she thinks should be there but isn't on the list? She might be less enthusiastic if her hand has to go in her pocket

Coconutter24 · 09/04/2025 07:46

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:04

My fiancé thinks the exact same as me

Show quote history

So that’s what you go with, it’s yours and his wedding no one else’s.

Ophy83 · 09/04/2025 07:48

If you have particular relatives that you are close to - your auntie and his cousin - then invite them. It would be worse to hurt those two people by not inviting them than to offend others who don't make the cut even though they are in the same familial category.

mumonthehill · 09/04/2025 07:50

Drop the cousins! Or just invite them for the evening. I have 13 cousins and we do not get invited to each others weddings any more. I fully understand this as there is so many of us.

Schoolchoicesucks · 09/04/2025 07:50

Your fiance has a large family with 6 siblings. You are going to have to be ruthless if you intend to stick to a 50 person wedding. You should be able to invite your auntie who you are close to. This doesn't automatically mean he has to invite all of his aunties - he already has a bigger family.

You have to decide what your budget limit is and then prioritise accordingly.
If you want to be able to extend the guest list you will have to reduce costs elsewhere - cheaper venue, meal, entertainment, dress, drinks package, honeymoon.
Or have a very small day ceremony and a big party in the evening.
Or elope.