To not invite them to the wedding?

[Timetogoo]

Please help, I’m having trouble with our wedding guest list. We both have big families and there’s a lot of people that we are very close to that we want there. The problem is, everyone has a plus one and it’s extremely expensive because it ends up being a LOT of people. I was speaking to my fiancés mum last night and she was saying I either need to invite peoples partners or not have them at all. I would agree with this all or nothing approach, however there are some peoples partners/spouses that we have relationships with, and others that I’ve probably only seen once in my life. We were specifically talking about two cousins who are sisters.
cousin 1 has been with her partner for 5 years, they have a house and a child together and we have been out with both of them numerous times and have a friendship with him.
cousin 2 has been with her partner for a few years, and I’ve seen him once or twice but never really spoken to him. My fiancés mum is saying I can’t invite one persons pertner and not the other. But I think surely it depends on our relationships with them?

she then goes on to say “x now has a girlfriend as well so you’d have to invite her” and I was getting so overwhelmed because I have only met X once and never ever met his new girlfriend and I don’t want to be introducing myself to people on my wedding day. I have to pay for people to be there and I’m not keen on paying for people that I don’t even know! But soon to be MIL is telling me it isn’t fair to have some and not others. It would also mean knocking some people off my own side of the family (actual family members) to make room for people partners that I’ve never met! We have a package which is 50 people. We can add more but it will cost extra per head and would honestly be so much money if we included everyone’s partners.

Please help.

Definitely spilt your initial 50 down the middle with 25 guests each. The extra 10 spots you are adding on, can then be used by either of you.
As going by your list, your partners' invites, would be more suited to a larger wedding of 100 people. With his 6 siblings, 1 bestman & 4 groomsmen & all their partners.
Whereas, you don't even mention 1 bridesmaids, nevermind 5.
I assume you have 5 as 5 groomsmen with less bridesmaids would look very uneven.
You should definitely include your aunt in your side of the invites.

I went to a wedding years ago where the bride (a good friend) spoke to me before invitations and said that because they were limited on space they’d only be inviting people’s partners where they knew them well.
Because she and her fiancé had relocated they didn’t know my partner even though we lived together, albeit had only been together 18 months or so.
I was fine with this - but I do think you need to give people a proper heads up via a chat, not just an invitation for one arriving in the post

No guests are a "necessity".
But each to their own.

How about changing the venue to allow for more people to come and just scale down on food costs and everything else? Like home made buffets (Mil can be helpful surely) and non expensive decorations. I bought my wedding dress on Vinted for 50 £ , shoes 30 £, a friend did my hair etc. Surely you can find ways to ecomonise. If not tell Mil you can invite everyone if she contributes to the cost😉

In which case you need to change your wedding plans.

Invite everyone. Hire a marquee. Have a buffet rather than a sit down meal. More people but cheaper option. The people are the important bit.

A friend of mine got their local Indian restaurant to do a meal for their wedding - amazing!!!

Agree. And I also think it's ok to ask for opinions given you aren't an actual wedding planner and probably haven't organised one before.

People forget there's a lot of decisions and the order you think about the primary ones will impact others : date, guest list, venue.

As you have lots of family Op I would go for either, bigger less formal wedding or do a dramatic chop and just have nearest and dearest somewhere fabulous.

i’d Be very uncomfortable at your wedding if I were cousin 2. I’d feel a spare part and ‘no 50’ on the guest list.

how much more would it cost to invite their partner? Surely you can find a way to save that amount? Or ask MIL to contribute? Is it pride that is causing your inflexibility? Have you considered the long term fall out with these 2 cousins? (I’d feel some loyalty to my sis if I was cousin 1).

and not being able to afford to invite a cousins partner (when their siblings partner is invited) seems a bit harsh considering he best man + 4 groomsmen.

I get that you’re not close to this person. But I think this is a compromise that would pay off.

Yes I like this idea! The food comes with the package so I could look for a venue that allows my own catering and then try and do it cheaper. It’s already a very good price because of it being a twilight wedding but I think if it’s going to cause this much stress and drama I will have to look at changing it

Do not listen to your MIL.

Before you spoke to her, you were comfortable with the guest list, package, venue etc.

You spoke to her and now you’re uncomfortable.

It doesn’t matter that some people on here think she’s right, some people think she’s wrong, some have other ideas, etc. What matters is that you were perfectly fine with your plan and then someone chipped in with their ideas. No matter who you spoke to, they’d have a different idea. Say you do decide to invite everyone, and then your mum or aunt says, “Oh that’s a shame, you’re paying all that money and it’ll be far too busy, we won’t even get to see you!” Are you going to change it again?

So, the bottom line with weddings is to do what makes you and your fiance happy (within reason). You have your guest list that you were happy with, now it’s just a case of communicating it in a way that everyone understands. If the cousin (eg) is upset, they can choose not to come (I bet they do come though). They might offer to pay for their partner: “Great! It’s £110 per head for the food, £40 for the drinks, £25 for sundries such as place setting, favour etc. Looking forward to receiving the £175 and then I’ll update the venue!”

You can invite your Auntie without DP inviting all his uncles.

You can’t invite one cousin’s DP & not the other cousin’s DP if they are in a long term relationship.

Not sure who X was - but don’t invite him (he won’t care) & new girlfriends/boyfriends are a definite no.

Don’t invite relatives that you haven’t seen in years.

Work out 20 people from each side, then use the other 10 spaces for yourselves and any other must-haves or mutual friends.

Of course, you can loudly declare it ‘child-free to enable people to let their hair down’ and the (with luck) some of the guests will decline on principle.

Honestly I think weddings are something that you look back on years later and often think why on earth did I invite that person/get stressed about that/spend so much money on that. The people that care don't matter and the people that matter don't care. People completely understand the cost of a wedding. If I went to a wedding where there's a large number of unknown partners of people that aren't very close friends/relatives I'd think the bride and groom were extremely generous!!!!!! I think your MIL is getting a bit caught up and to be honest, a bit Hyacinth Bucket foisting her own rules on you.

Ultimately people do what they want. Your DHs cousins when they get married may well have sensible MIL who say don't spend money inviting all your cousins and their partners. Just have your nearest and dearest and don't bankrupt your new little family. I did the loads of partners/loads of cousins and regret it.

We don’t really see cousin 2 much. She is a lot younger than us (12 years) and doesn’t really want to socialise with us she prefers to go out clubbing and partying etc which is absolutely fine and normal at her age! But it just means that we don’t see her a lot as she is always busy doing other things. The only time we really see her is at family events like weddings and christening etc. also the sisters don’t get on. There wouldn’t be any fall out over it apart from maybe some comments from their mum (DPs auntie).
I don’t know if it makes a difference but cousin 1 is in her 30s with a house and child with her partner. Cousin 2 has just turned 20 and both her and her partner still live with their parents etc. so they are kind of different relationship dynamics. But tbh I’m not even sure if that makes a difference

So your venue and your guest list suits your needs and your budget. Stick to your guns and have the wedding you want with the people you want. You can't afford a larger wedding. If this upsets your mum and your MIL, tell them that they can pay the extra for these additional guests. They are both really over-stepping here.

I personally don't think you should treat the cousins differently, but you know them better than me.

It's your wedding. If you want to do the (very sensibl!) Rule of if they haven't made the effort to see you in 2 years then they're not invited then do that.
My DH didn't invite his cousins. He's very friendly with them but not super close. Whereas we invited all my cousins on my mums side (even those who live overseas) because we are close.
No one was offended. No one got upset. You have a 50 person limit. Everyone will understand that (except one cousin who was upset he couldn't bring his 6 kids....)
It is OK to invite spouses you know. It is OK to only invite married partners (or close enough). But the main thing is- it's your wedding. Just the two of you. Your MIL doesn't get a say (unless she wants to pay for the extra people?)

Time to put your big girl pants on, OP.

If "other people" aren't contributing to your wedding financially, they literally don't get a say.

You have picked a venue you can afford, including all the people you actually want there.

If you don't mind inviting the extra people your mother in law thinks should be invited and they can actually fit in your venue, then tell your mother in law that if she pays the extra cost per head you are willing to invite them. Otherwise, she needs to pipe down and accept that it's none of her business.

For what it's worth, with the family set up you describe, I would make all cousins and their partners evening guests.

So cousin 2 doesn’t live with her partner (in which case I’d class him as a boyfriend)? If you are inviting the Aunt/Uncle that she lives with, then I’d change my advice & invite them on one invitation as a family group.

Putting the cousins down to "evening only" isn't great, especially if the family is close. That could cause more problems.

Thank you for this 💞

aunties, uncles and cousins should be based on the closeness of relationship you have

I was invited, as were my dc to my nieces wedding. It was a big wedding, and I’m pretty close to niece. Dc don’t see their cousin (my niece) much, but they were invited with partners . It included 2 nights stay and a long journey and whilst was a nice wedding, it all seemed a bit of a faff and stress for niece.

whereas her brother, my nephew, had much smaller wedding. And a bit last minute. I wasn’t invited nor were my dc. But bride invited her aunt. 1 grandmother included, but not the grandfather on other side. I didn’t mind, uncles on my side didn’t mind, and not aware grandparent who was excluded minded either. It was made clear that it was small wedding, and they were inviting those very closest to them only. Bride had very close relationship to aunt, and one grandparent was very involved in couple lives, the other Gp had never been involved grandparent

only about a year later I moved house, and have got a lot closer to nephew and his wife. See a lot of them and have a close realtionship with wife. We were talking about their wedding some time later, and I commented they did me a “favour” not inviting as it would have stressed me out. it was a “destination” type wedding in uk that was a long multi change rail journey and basic hostel accommodation …. I’m not good with sleeping bag type accommodation and complicated journeys 🤷‍♀️🤣

long and short, talk with people up front. Apologise, say you’d like to invite them and their partners, then Explain places are limited as you need to keep costs down to spend on (house, or something sensible you say even if not entirely true) . Explain you can only invite those you have the closest relationship with, and that you hope they’ll understand…and that you understand if they don’t want to come without their partner.

I’d make exceptions for partners where there is a need to travel together, that could be someone with a disability that needs support, or someone who literally won’t know anyone else and maybe will feel very uncomfortable being on their own. Or breast feeding mum, who needs dad there to manage baby etc. and partners where you socialise with them as a couple regularly.

other thing you can do, for older relatives like aunts and uncles that might feel they wanted to see you get married, is to arrange a live stream or video ….my nephew did that , I went round to his mum and dads a few days later and we had a mini celebration whilst watching the video…that was lovely to watch, his parents enjoyed sitting through it again and commenting on people’s expressions and reactions, which of course they didn’t take in on the day,

Talk with people you’re not inviting- a voice call, up front before invites are sent. Explain your reasoning. Talk with mum and MIL upfront too, tell MIL you and fiancée will/have already tlak to everyone so they know what’s happening and why. MIL is mostly likely worried she’ll be on receiving end of comments about how her dc and you have excluded this person or that. Tell her to refer anyone complaining or disappointed to you, it isn’t her responsibility to sort out pissed off people. Tell you know that it’s not ideal, but compromises need to be made (unless she wants to foot the bill! )

I’m not treating the cousins differently, I am treating their partners differently based on our relationship with them

I would limit the guest list to close family, and friends and invite their partners too, rather than more distant relatives and no partners. It will make for a better atmosphere.

A wedding is much more fun to attend with one’s partner.

If eight of your 50 spaces are to be filled with his FOUR groomsmen and their wives I would start there. One MOH for you, one best man for him + partners because they are doing you a favour.

Ok, I understand, that's really what I meant!
How much of an issue is this, do you think it's worth changing your arrangements?.

The younger cousin doesn't need a plus one. She is barely an adult and will be attending the wedding with her entire family including her parents, who she lives with. If she were 17 and had a boyfriend you wouldn't even think about inviting him.

But I don't think one person is going to make much of a difference to your dilemma.