To not invite them to the wedding?

[Timetogoo]

Please help, I’m having trouble with our wedding guest list. We both have big families and there’s a lot of people that we are very close to that we want there. The problem is, everyone has a plus one and it’s extremely expensive because it ends up being a LOT of people. I was speaking to my fiancés mum last night and she was saying I either need to invite peoples partners or not have them at all. I would agree with this all or nothing approach, however there are some peoples partners/spouses that we have relationships with, and others that I’ve probably only seen once in my life. We were specifically talking about two cousins who are sisters.
cousin 1 has been with her partner for 5 years, they have a house and a child together and we have been out with both of them numerous times and have a friendship with him.
cousin 2 has been with her partner for a few years, and I’ve seen him once or twice but never really spoken to him. My fiancés mum is saying I can’t invite one persons pertner and not the other. But I think surely it depends on our relationships with them?

she then goes on to say “x now has a girlfriend as well so you’d have to invite her” and I was getting so overwhelmed because I have only met X once and never ever met his new girlfriend and I don’t want to be introducing myself to people on my wedding day. I have to pay for people to be there and I’m not keen on paying for people that I don’t even know! But soon to be MIL is telling me it isn’t fair to have some and not others. It would also mean knocking some people off my own side of the family (actual family members) to make room for people partners that I’ve never met! We have a package which is 50 people. We can add more but it will cost extra per head and would honestly be so much money if we included everyone’s partners.

Please help.

Your wedding, your choice!! Absolutely can pick and choose whether to include +1s or not on a case by case basis. My cousin invited my brother and his wife to their wedding but only me and not my DH. (I didn't go in the end but that was for other reasons) I was a bit annoyed but respected their decision.
Please don't be pressured into including people you don't want to.

I disagree.

You can be consistent by not inviting people you have never spoken to. (Partner of the cousin)

It would be crazy to not invite people that you want, because of the risk of upsetting the partner of a cousin you've never spoken to.

At a party that my partner and I am hosting, at our own expense, my relationship to each guest trumps their relationship to another person I don't know.

Plus 1s are a politeness desirable for formal events where guests don't know other guests.

They are not a necessity.

And not required at an event where guests know each other

Why did you decide on a wedding with not a lot of people when you have a lot of people you're close to?
I don't know how firm the arrangements are, but you can do a couple of things. Invite everyone, but find a bigger, cheaper venue. I went to one which was in a leisure centre - it was fine.
Or - don't have 50 day+ 80 evening. Just invite people to your wedding and ditch the evening thing. You will have less to cater for in total.
Finally? Just leave it as it is and deal with the fall out.

I would split it down the middle. You get 25 spaces for your family and friends. Fiancé gets 25 spaces for his family and friends.

I would sit down with fiancé and his Mum and make a suggested list of 25 people together. So she can clearly see herself that it’s not possible to invite any extra bf/gf that you hardly know. If she keeps insisting that you absolutely must have more people, then remind her firmly that you do not have the budget for more than 25 people. If she insists they have to be there, tell her how much £ it is per head and tell her she can pay for any extras over 25 people that she must have there.

Forget keeping it equal. If you have an auntie you are close to, invite her. But that doesn’t mean your fiancé has to invite his auntie, if he otherwise wouldn’t. Forget that kind of thinking!

Ask her if she would like to pay for those people then!

I think it’s fine to invite an aunt you’re close to without inviting all aunts and uncles. As PP said, you can’t please everyone with weddings so you may as well do what works for you.

Your fiancé needs to tell his mother that you have a set number of people you can invite and a fixed budget, and the two of you will decide who to invite within that head count and budget. If she wants to make a financial contribution towards the wedding then you will of course use it to invite more people, but you will still be the ones who decide who those people are.

My advice is to stop asking people for their opinions (your MIL and strangers on the Internet) and just do what will make you and your fiancé happy.

You will not be able to please everyone within a sensible budget. And frankly, why should you? This is your wedding. There are 2 important people here. Look after each other. Hope you have a beautiful day and many happy years together ❤️

It looks like you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and
you have picked the wrong venue/ package for your needs.
my suggestions:

Can you have a late wedding, change menu and amalgamate am and pm guests?
Sack off any “extras” … unnecessary decor, band for just a DJ, cars- use a mate’s, favours - complete waste of money, photo booths, sweet tables etc etc

You must recognise that knocking people off your own family is is bonkers?

It's not the old days where wedding cost a pittance.

Write a list of who you WANT there. See if there are any leftover spaces and invite the extras you want there (I'd probably start with family plus ones to reduce the aggro)

You will inevitably offend someone so make it someone you don't care much about.

And as for the cousins, you aren't inviting plus ones, you're inviting people you want there, the fact two of them are in a relationship is neither here nor there.

You basically have 3 options:

• have a cheaper wedding and a bigger cast list
• have the wedding you want and piss some people off

You're paying, you have to live with it, so make a decision and just disconnect emotionally.

Im sure you were super excited to get engaged so have a day out woth your partner, no wedding talk, and remember that this is your wddding and planning should at least be a bit fun, otherwose you may as well just go to the registry office. Plan it your way and have a lovely day.

Also, don’t discuss your guest list with anyone anymore

If one of my cousins saw my sister and family often and hardly saw me, then I wouldn't be offended if they didn't invite dh or even didn't invite me.
DM might be insulted on my behalf, I think.

Would people genuinely feel put out that they were treated differently because of a different relationship? Surely you get out what you put in to a certain extent. Different I suppose if they keep asking you to meet up and you don't though, but you've given no sign of that.

You have 3 choices:

1. stick to the current venue and invite only who you want and forget about the fallout.
2. get a loan to pay for everybody at the current venue.
3. find a different venue where you can invite everybody without going over budget.

which one will you choose?

If your MIL / mum are insisting that certain people need to be invited then they can pay for those extra guests.

When DH and I got married my parents paid for my aunts / uncles / cousins / their partners to come, on the basis that it was "right" that they came, but I didn't want to not have any of my friends there. It was an easy solution for us when going through the guest list options and saved any of that "but you can't not invite blah blah blah".

If simply it is this one partner you know well and like then simply say it is a no partner wedding, but he and his spouse (the cousin) are both being invited individually, as you have friendships with both of them.

DS and DiL decided not invite any cousins and explained about the cost and numbers the venue could hold. If you made a wedding for 300 people someone would be annoyed at being left out.

Not everybody invites their parents siblings! They might not be close.
My children had to cut down on numbers. They did not give blanket plus ones. They only invited relatives they were close to and only invited partners of friends if they knew them well. They did not invite anybody they had not seen for years.
I think this how their friends did their own weddings too.
I don’t think OPs future MIL gets to say what guests will be invited. It should be between OP and her OH.

Because the people that we are close to are all included in that number. It’s all of the plus ones added that are now stretching the budget to unaffordable. We were originally planning on a registry office followed by a party somewhere and keep it nice and cheap. We decided to look at some venues anyway just so we could be sure and there were a couple that we could comfortably afford with the guest list we had written. I can cancel the venue though and get my deposit back as we only booked it 3 weeks ago so it’s a possibility to look for somewhere else

Lots of people on here say things like ‘it’s your wedding, your choice’ or ‘it’s your day so you decide’ but this is bollocks. You are actually arranging a party that is enjoyable for guests and doesn’t piss off friends and family.

Rubbish

Can you move the wedding to a cheaper venue where you have more flexibility? E.g. a village hall with a bar where you can get caterers in and have all the guests?

Have less than 50 for the reception. Immediate family only and everyone and the vicars dog to the evening do.

That's what we did.

Weddings are $$$ mad now and people understand. If they don't, fuck 'em.

I’d cut cousins you don’t socialise with (excluding weddings and funerals)

But I haven’t picked the wrong venue for my needs. The venue accommodates the people on my guest list and we can afford it. It’s other people that are telling me I need to invite x y and z but I don’t want to invite those people because I don’t know them. We are already having twilight wedding. The package is ceremony at 4pm, straight into party with a buffet. It includes a DJ and food within the package. If I went for anything cheaper to accommodate more guests I would probably just have to do a registry office wedding. But doing a registry office just so that people I don’t know can attend seems an odd thing to do.