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Original poster

Met Step Son for the first time!

187 replies

Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 09:02

Good Morning Everyone,

Looking for a bit of advice this morning as I am not sure how to navigate this.

Backstory: Me and my husband have been married for 12 years together for 15. A few months ago he got a message on Facebook messenger from a teenage boy saying he never knew his dad and his mum has finally given him a list of names of who the dads might be with a long message attached with his feelings etc and how much if it were the right person he would want to be a part of their life. We have a not run of the mill surname so my husband was quite easy to find. (My husband had no idea he existed). Anyway, he was the spitting image of my husband at 17. He came into me a bit pale faced and showed me the message then the picture of the lad. I then also went a bit pale faced 😅.

Long story short although we were pretty adamant it wasn't needed husband did a DNA test which we funded and they came back father and son match.

They/ we spoke for a few weeks on Whatsapp. Had some video calls and we told him when he was comfortable we could meet up. We met up for the first time last night. It was HIGHLY emotional. He hasn't had the best upbringing emotional support or money wise and we also have a teenage son so both of them also now have a brother, again I am tearing up how emotional they both were 😫.

We are running everything at his own pace, but we have arranged to take him clothes shopping/ trainer shopping on Sat as he isn't in the best of attire (as in fitting clothes/ worn out shoes). We also planned to get him a passport and provisional license (we haven't mentioned this to him yet).

He has stated his mother wants no contact with us but he has told her he has found us and is meeting up.

He is extremely grateful about it all, I have said to husband lets take it all slowly with getting him stuff as I don't want his mum to think we are basically shitting all over her previous efforts raising him alone, but husband is saying he has 17 years of child maintenance to make up for and she might be happy we are now there to help.

I've told him we need to build a solid relationship with him first and then treat him as we do our other child but to be honest I have no idea how to navigate it.

But yeah....I now have another child that no one knew existed!

OP posts:
Ilovethewild · 08/04/2025 09:15

Op, I’m no expert, but here’s my thoughts.

SS will value a relationship more than gifts.

you are right that over buying could be seen negatively (by both SS, your child and SS mum)

put ££ in an account if dh wants to spend to make up, to give later

Foster carers provide basics, leave things for child to use/choose. They don’t put their needs ahead of the child’s, they take things at child pace.

i would suggest slowly, spending time together, relaxing together, going at SS pace, don’t force a relationship, let it grow and develop, it’s a marathon not a sprint, it’s important to not ‘replace’ his stuff, his stuff might have connections to mum or other experiences. His father is more than a cash point.

let him know about wider family, again slowly, keep it positive, make sure he feels seen and valued (eg photo of him up), keep open communication.

17 is a tough age, they don’t need entertaining but have not yet fully adulted, might be making adult plans/travel/college

sounds like you are all doing great, 😌

CurlsLDN · 08/04/2025 09:16

I’d focus less on giving ‘stuff’ and more on giving time. If the son and dad both want it, they can just spend time together, with and without the rest of your family, just getting to know eachother

Aria2015 · 08/04/2025 09:17

I agree that establishing an emotional connection should be a priority over providing him with material things. I think sometimes men find it easier to express themselves though gestures though, which might be why your DH is so keen to spoil him with ‘things’.

I think you're wise to consider your SS mother’s feelings in all this too. I assume he still lives with her? She may be feeling all sorts of things, including a bit threatened by her DS essentially gaining a ’new (and better?) family. In reality, there is no reason why you all can't be part of this young boy's life and exist in harmony with each other, but with complex feelings and big changes, this needs to be carefully navigated to get to that peaceful place.

Slow and steady wins the race in things like this IMO. Yes, your dh has some making-up to do, but he doesn't have to do it at breakneck speed and the most important thing to make up for is the bond and emotional connection, which is where i’d advise he focus his efforts.

Original poster
Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 09:24

Aria2015 · 08/04/2025 09:17

I agree that establishing an emotional connection should be a priority over providing him with material things. I think sometimes men find it easier to express themselves though gestures though, which might be why your DH is so keen to spoil him with ‘things’.

I think you're wise to consider your SS mother’s feelings in all this too. I assume he still lives with her? She may be feeling all sorts of things, including a bit threatened by her DS essentially gaining a ’new (and better?) family. In reality, there is no reason why you all can't be part of this young boy's life and exist in harmony with each other, but with complex feelings and big changes, this needs to be carefully navigated to get to that peaceful place.

Slow and steady wins the race in things like this IMO. Yes, your dh has some making-up to do, but he doesn't have to do it at breakneck speed and the most important thing to make up for is the bond and emotional connection, which is where i’d advise he focus his efforts.

I agree. They've been texting all morning bless him and I think he has the same outlook as he's said I really appreciate going shopping but can I defo come back to the house and hang out with you guys after.

OP posts:
Original poster
Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 09:26

CurlsLDN · 08/04/2025 09:16

I’d focus less on giving ‘stuff’ and more on giving time. If the son and dad both want it, they can just spend time together, with and without the rest of your family, just getting to know eachother

I think he's more excited he has a little brother 😂. But yes, we have made it VERY clear he is welcome in the home, can go out with dad on his own, spend time with us as a group, spend time with his brother etc. He's very lovely and has made it clear he wants to fit in with us rather than us run round after him.

OP posts:
Seriestwo · 08/04/2025 09:27

This is lovely. What a brave young man.

do we say “congrats”? I’m not sure there is a hallmark card, but there should be.

Original poster
Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 09:30

Seriestwo · 08/04/2025 09:27

This is lovely. What a brave young man.

do we say “congrats”? I’m not sure there is a hallmark card, but there should be.

He is. He said he threw up when we replied saying we would absolutely like him in our lives. 😅

OP posts:
Tbry24 · 08/04/2025 09:31

He doesn’t need gifts and stuff. He needs to slowly build a relationship with his biological father. That means his father needs to see him alone without you.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 08/04/2025 09:32

How old is your son? I'd be wary of them spending time together alone just yet if that's what you meant. You need to get to know him first as a family. It's lovely that you've all embraced him so easily though and I'm glad you've considered his mum's feelings. She may change her mind about not having anything to do with you all once she sees he's being looked after

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 08/04/2025 09:34

Everyone is still on a 'high' from discovering one another. Beware that the feelings may fade and everyone stops being on their best 'delighted' behaviour. Also beware of buying too much for SS, because, down the line, he may see it as you trying to buy his affection.

Giving time is far better than giving stuff. Just be there for him and available to talk when he needs you.

Howldens · 08/04/2025 09:35

I just wanted to say this is wonderful 🩵🩵🩵

congratulations to all of you!!

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 08/04/2025 09:36

You’re doing amazingly not everyone would embrace this situation like you have ☺️☺️

TY78910 · 08/04/2025 09:40

aww this is so lovely. It doesn’t sound like he is after material things, just grateful to have a family. I think you guys are really noble and I wish you all the best!

Diarygirlqueen · 08/04/2025 09:45

From recently reading threads about stepmums resenting the kids, it's so refreshing to read your post, it actually brought a lump to my throat.
I wish you all the best of luck in your journey x

Original poster
Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 09:49

Diarygirlqueen · 08/04/2025 09:45

From recently reading threads about stepmums resenting the kids, it's so refreshing to read your post, it actually brought a lump to my throat.
I wish you all the best of luck in your journey x

I keep tearing up at work this morning haha.

OP posts:
Craftysue · 08/04/2025 09:51

I don't have any advice but just wanted to wish you all the best - what a lovely post to read!

Shirtless · 08/04/2025 09:53

I’d dial way down on the buying stuff. Along with wanting to get him a passport and a provisional licence it risks sounding a bit King Cophetua and the Beggarmaid. I do get your DH’s feeling that there’s a lot of time to make up for, but I think better all round to keep things low-key while you’re building up a relationship. And I’d try to protect your son, too — the initial fizz of new brotherhood may not last.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 08/04/2025 09:53

Love this, kudos to you both for the way you've handled things

Globalwalker · 08/04/2025 09:56

Concentrate on building a relationship and getting to know each other by spending quality time together. Showering him with gifts, while initially may be a wonderful novelty to him, isn’t what you should be focussing on here.

Also, buying him loads of stuff and funding passports/drivers license could cause ill-feeling with your DS and Step-son’s DM. The latter may feel pushed out and like she is a poor provider for her DS because you think his clothing isn’t good enough etc.

It sounds like he is being welcomed into a lovely new family for him which is amazing that you are so open-hearted, but just slow down or he could end up feeling smothered and ‘bought’ after the novelty has worn off.

TaggieO · 08/04/2025 09:59

I think you sound like you are doing everything right. No, you don’t need to go in all guns blazing on showering him with gifts but if he has basic needs that aren’t being met - clothed, fed, shoes etc then it’s right that these be provided. It sounds like the first meeting has gone really well, be prepared that the relationship may be up and down as you all find your way, and good luck! How exciting. Someone else to love.

redphonecase · 08/04/2025 10:03

We also planned to get him a passport and provisional license (we haven't mentioned this to him yet).

You're presumably not going to do that without (a) checking with his mum first and (b) planning to pay for driving lessons?

Springtimefordaffs · 08/04/2025 10:04

Obvs look after your own son, you will ask him for his opinions on things a little more than usual. You can dress it up as asking for his advice. Is SS up on music or games as your D boy is?

lunar1 · 08/04/2025 10:04

The provisional license might be nice if your husband is able to take him out and teach him to some extent. It could be a nice bonding thing and way to get to know each other, giving them a common activity.

Original poster
Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 10:04

redphonecase · 08/04/2025 10:03

We also planned to get him a passport and provisional license (we haven't mentioned this to him yet).

You're presumably not going to do that without (a) checking with his mum first and (b) planning to pay for driving lessons?

Yes we would pay for driving lessons. It was more so he has no form of ID.

OP posts:
LurkyMcLurkinson · 08/04/2025 10:05

This is the loveliest post to read 🥰 It sounds like you’re doing everything right and I think it’s ok to spend money on meeting his basic needs if it goes alongside the emotional warmth and support you’re providing.