To think men should automatically pay on a first date if they asked you out?

[ThisSnappyNewt]

Had a date recently - he asked me out, picked the place, and at the end said “Shall we split it?” I did but it left a bad taste. I just think if you’re the one initiating the date and doing the inviting, you should offer to pay - man or woman but especially if you’re the guy. It sets a tone. AIBU to think it’s just good manners and a red flag if they don’t?

Is he a bit broke or just mean?

I would expect him to pay if he asked me and picked the restaurant. Will there be another date?

I mean… I’d always offer to split it too but it gives the impression that maybe he isn’t that into you.

Nope 50/50 inviting someone somewhere doesn't mean your paying for them. If i invited a friend somewhere I wouldn't pay for them I'm just inviting them to come

That's a good question.

If I was heading into second date territory I'd be saying "I picked this so I'll get this - you can do next time" but if he's clawing back the cash, I'm guessing he wasn't feeling it and wants to minimise his loss!

It's a bit old fashioned to expect the man to pay

No, simply because I don’t want to be beholden to anyone, so I would pay for myself

If he invited you and picked the place, it would be nice if he paid. However, I would never assume and I would offer to split. It does feel a bit more like friends meeting up if you split.

All in all, it comes down to personal values. Perhaps you are just not compatible.

If he doesn’t pay for lunch, I don’t want him. Stingebag.

Honestly, I’m not sure - he had no problem picking a pricey place, so I’d lean more toward stingy than skint. Either way, it just didn’t feel great. I’m happy to pay my way but not when I’ve been invited out like that - it felt transactional.

Definitely not a red flag for me. I tend to insist on paying my own share or getting the next one. It’s weird to me that someone else should pay for me just because he has a penis?

It’s 2025 and apart from anything, life is too expensive to be buying meals for strangers.

There's a thread like this every week.

Don't agree to the date if you can't afford where you've been invited. A first date doesn't obligate anyone to pay anything other than their own way.

So many saying he's mean, well imo you're a gold digger.

Not everyone is aware of, follows or agrees with arbitrary social 'rules', so assessing someone as not having good manners due to not doing something like this feels unfair. If he intended to be rude then fair enough, but its very possible he did not.

The 1970's would like this post back!

FFS, women battled for equality for years, sometimes giving their lives for it and now here we are finally getting something towards equality... but some women still want men to pay. It's embarrassing.

I don’t think they have to pay, someone needs to ask, and someone needs to suggest somewhere. If it is somewhere where I couldn’t afford my half I would suggest somewhere else.

But if the said shall we split the bill, I’d pay my share and that would be it- no second date. If I didn’t like them and wasn’t intending on a second date I would offer to pay my share. If they get the bill then I will always pay on the second date.

I like things to be even, but I can’t bear people quibbling over pennies. I prefer relationships where you alternate and treat each other.

No, I don’t think so. It wasn’t just the bill - the vibe felt a bit off overall and that moment just kind of confirmed it for me. I don’t expect grand gestures but basic thoughtfulness goes a long way.

Absolute toad move to invite, choose, and not pay. Yuck yuckiity yuck.
I bet he wears weird shoes too.

Do you ever ask men out? And then pay the bill? Or do you expect to be the person invited every time? Because in that case you never have the expense and you're the tight person here.

I can't believe you expected him to pay when you don't even like him

I think when it comes to a first date, someone has to choose where to go or else the date wouldn't happen. I think you both need to invest in it to make it the best date it can be.

I don’t think the “whoever asked the other out should pay” works in early dating, because so many women seem to be incredibly averse to doing the asking in the first place. It leads to an incredibly unequal dynamic where a man could end up spending hundreds of pounds a month taking random women on dates only for it to go nowhere when, as you decided, you weren’t a good match.

I’ve always split the bill. I have money, I’m looking for an equal, and a date isn’t some sort of test. It’s just two people meeting to establish whether they have chemistry and stuff in common. I’ve never had a bad relationship, or even a bad dating experience, so I figure my approach has done me right more than that of the women who seem to meet so many men they think are creeps.

If you aren’t intending on another date, then yes you split it….maybe that’s why he did?

You will get strong opinions on this one OP, along with all the other threads with the same theme.

Personally, if he picked the place and invited for a meal then I would think it would be nice if he paid. BUT, I always prefer a quick coffee meet as a first date these days as many men read into having paid for a meal as a route that you now owe them something... ie a shag.

I dont care what year it is, if you make the date then you should pay. You are basically offering to take someone out. It's weird to split the bill in those circumstances. Thats different to making plans with friends. It's nothing to do with gender. I'm a lesbian and when I took my (now wife) gf out on a date I always paid. It was me asking her so it made sense.

I think if someone asks you out on a date then I would expect that they offer to pay. If it was a mutual decision then split.
I feel that he knew that there would not be a second date so decided to recover some expenses.