To think men should automatically pay on a first date if they asked you out?

[ThisSnappyNewt]

Had a date recently - he asked me out, picked the place, and at the end said “Shall we split it?” I did but it left a bad taste. I just think if you’re the one initiating the date and doing the inviting, you should offer to pay - man or woman but especially if you’re the guy. It sets a tone. AIBU to think it’s just good manners and a red flag if they don’t?

probably unpopular opinion but i would expect them to pay on first dates and would find it a total turn off if they didn’t. i have no issues with paying for dinners, days out whilst in a relationship however

This is why my friends prefer coffee dates. Get to know the person to see if it works and doesn't cost a fortune to find out.

YY @BatchCookBabe

Mr 50/50
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5271891-stingy-bf-or-is-it-me?page=1

I hear you that it's not a wind-up, but it's certainly not a standard.

It's a preference – your preference.

At least own it, rather than making value judgments about someone who quite literally has done nothing wrong.

It's nothing whatsoever to do with being a grown woman, or a grown man. It's about the fact that he asked her out, and chose the venue. He is her host and should be paying. Same applies if she asked him out.

It's about taking someone out. You are paying because you are the one arranging the date on their behalf. Its part of that arrangement. Eg-I would like to take you out for dinner at a nice place I know...it would then be weird not to pay the bill. Its about romance.

Saying that I am not a bill splitter anyway. The whole thing feels a bit cringy to me. If you are ordering at the same time it makes sense to make one payment. I do this with friends and family too, so I'll get this and you get that for example. If others split Bills that's up to them but I don't. A date is the last place this would happen in my world.

Each to their own I guess..

But surely he'll also be doing all of those things, especially given that he's the one who asked for the date. He'll be putting just as much effort in as you are. Why is it only effort when you do them? And then you're also expecting him to foot the entire bill.

Beg to differ. I’d always at least offer to pay half.

Exactly how did he ask you out? By that I mean, how exactly did he word it? Was it "I'd like to take you to this restaurant on Friday" or "How about we go here?"

I wonder about the energy you gave off at the meal too. Did you to mid-range in your ordering or pick expensive dishes assuming he was paying?

@bettydavieseyes I think that's the key here – I've never thought anyone has 'taken' me out on a date.

I've gone on a date to meet another consenting adult with a capacity for self-determination.

But there's something in the way you've phrased this that reminds me of how, when I first moved to Spain, I was confused by the term "te invito".

I couldn't understand why people would say to me "te invito, no te preocupes" at the end of a meal or a drink – because I thought they were saying "I invite you" (which made no sense since we were already there, and often, I'd been the one suggesting the meetup).

But in Spanish, that literally means "I'll pay for you".

Linguistically, that certainly errs more on the logic of "if I invite you on a date, I'll pay".

Not that I base my behaviour on etymology, though – I've frustratedly yelled "Ay, me cago en la leche!" many times, but I'm happy to say I've never done it and never would 😂

If a man asks me out, he has to impress me and show me he's worthy of me. Mr 'let's get my calculator out and pay individually for what we had' can get tae fuck. He wouldn't get a second date from me

Worthy with money, how classy! Reading this thread, it sounds like a very good test for men whether a second date is worth the effort!

If I was a man, I'd run for the hills from some of these posters 🤣.

I asked my husband why he happily paid for me on our first date, and our second, and third, and fourth (etc etc), until I became his fiancée (3 months later) and moved in and we then combined his pretty decent income with my not-so-decent income.

His response: "I really liked you, I wanted to keep meeting you, and why on earth would I have forced you to go halves if I wanted to keep seeing you?"

He also didn't make a proper move on me until the third time I stayed over, after date number 8.

If I think of it, every time I've ever dated a guy who cleary expected hanky panky very early on in the 'relationship' was less than generous on our date(s).

And before I get accused of being a gold digger or whatever, I always got my purse out and was willing to pay my half if it turned out it was expected of me!

the men I’ve dated or been in relationships with have always paid and that worked for us. I personally prefer that dynamic.

I bet you do!

I wouldn’t continue dating a woman who doesn’t at least offer to split the bill — not that I would actually accept it.

You wanted a free dinner, he didn’t like you enough to pay for it.

he didn’t like you, you didn’t like him luckily there won’t be a second date

Apparently people who don’t look like movie stars are clamouring to meet each other. Who do you think fuels the OLD industry?

no because women earn money these days. Just because you pick a place doesn’t mean you pay , I don’t do this with friends or my partner.

The friends point is a really good one isn’t it. Friends usually go Dutch.

So you believe your time is worth more than his?

If you arranged to meet a friend in a bar, would you expect to pay for their drinks all night just because it was your idea to go out?

Whicj has got absolutlry nothing ti do with who pays what on a first date.

Yes, exactly. The OP's posts read like she feels she should be compensated for being present at a date she agreed to attend.

"Traditional" roles, even in dating, are a dangerous slope in my opinion.

It works both ways its not just you judging on s first date both parties do ,they may well delighted not having to see you again.

I like the man to offer to pay the first date but if I don’t think there will be a second I insist on paying half.

if there is a second then I will book and pay for it.

Despite a seemingly equal society these days, not many women I know would actively pursue a guy, and subsequently ask him out. It's sadly still seen as desperate, and even 'cringe' if the woman has to take the lead/initiative, I.e. it is often implied that these are traits of a weak subordinate man.

But that's the problem... if it is still true that a disproportionately lower number of women actually asks men out (still), then that automatically puts it in the OP's implication that the man should pay, as he will invariably be the one to ask out (first).

It should be 50:50 regardless.