To think men should automatically pay on a first date if they asked you out?

[ThisSnappyNewt]

Had a date recently - he asked me out, picked the place, and at the end said “Shall we split it?” I did but it left a bad taste. I just think if you’re the one initiating the date and doing the inviting, you should offer to pay - man or woman but especially if you’re the guy. It sets a tone. AIBU to think it’s just good manners and a red flag if they don’t?

But surely the man can be doing all that too, there's nothing sex-specific in that? If he's present, engaged, well dressed, brings energy and interest etc, etc, why would you also assume he should pay?

Yeah, you are describing most men. As I said, these tight fisted 'split the bill' men only believe in equality when it comes to women paying for themselves. The split the bill men NEVER extend that 'equality' into pulling their weight around the house, or 'helping' with childcare. The mean, tight arsed miserly with money men are ALWAYS bone idle when it comes to housework, and will avoid looking after their children like the plague!

Ask me on a date, and make me pay for myself, you won't be seeing me again chum!

@ThisSnappyNewt "meaningful connection isn’t built off who tapped the card"...

You've read your OP, right?

Bravo, honestly.

Pretty much what I said. A woman who is asked out on a date by a basic man who is taking her to Wetherspoons or Nandos is NOT what golddiggers aspire to! 😂

And as I said, golddiggers go for proper wealthy men, not £29K a year Nigel who takes his calculator out to make sure he only pays for what HE has. 😆

Absolutely - I’d hope he’s also showing up with all those things. But the difference is in who’s initiating. If someone asks me out, chooses the venue, and sets up the plan, then yes - I think it’s thoughtful for them to offer to pay.

It’s not that I think my presence alone earns me a free dinner - it’s that when someone takes the lead in asking someone out, it’s just part of the dynamic to follow through. It’s not about entitlement - it’s about consistency and intentionality.

The thing is, men who are going on first dates are probably going on lots of first dates. Maybe multiple dates in a week. Picking up the tab for each of those complete strangers’ night out would cost a fortune.

I think that's a bit optimistic, multiple dates a week. Unless they're brad pitt

I have and that’s exactly the point - it wasn’t about who paid, it was about what that moment reflected. I wasn’t upset over the money itself but how it was handled. When someone invites you out and then treats the date like a transaction, it signals a lack of intentionality. That’s what left a bad taste - not the card machine.

You keep repeating it's not about being the man, it's about being the person who does the asking out, however, you've said yourself that you haven't asked men out, and seem to suggest that wouldn't be something you would consider. So perhaps your assertion that whoever offers the invitation should pay is influenced by the fact you will never be the one paying, so it's a good set up for you?

This is starting to feel like a wind-up.

You think HE was the one treating the date like a transaction?

That’s pretty much the opposite experience I have had. The ones that have splashed the cash on the first date have tended to be quite sexist. My friends and I were speaking about this recently, we all have husbands who we split the bill with (mostly drinks, a few people had gone out for dinner), and we all have really decent partners. They do their share and more of housework and childcare, treat their partners with respect and love. Not sure if it’s more common for my generation (we are all 80s born).

I can see why it might come across that way but I’ve been clear from the start: I prefer traditional dating dynamics where the man takes the lead and yes, that includes paying when he’s the one doing the asking.

I’m not pretending I’d do it differently - I’ve said I haven’t asked men out and I probably wouldn’t. That doesn’t make the principle any less valid. It’s not about getting a “free ride,” it’s about dating in a way that feels aligned with what I value and what’s worked for me in the past.

Yes - I do. When someone invites you out and then shrinks back from the basic follow-through of offering to cover it, it does feel transactional. Not because I expected a free meal but because it suggested a lack of effort, interest, or follow-through.

I’m not expecting a grand gesture - just consistency between the energy of asking someone out and how you show up on the date. That’s not a wind-up. That’s a standard.

Well so far the vote is roughly 60 40 that you are being unreasonable, but that's not far off 50/50 so if it's how you wish to date then carry on. Not sure why you need to ask the question if you feel comfortable with that type of dating.

It’s always “not about who paid” when they haven’t paid for you though. If it wasn’t about who paid and was about generosity and intention you could have offered too!

It’s VERY old fashioned. Be careful what you wish for.

I personally always offer to pay half as I don't want to be beholden to anyone

Because they are hoping to get their leg over

Agree with ☝️

The more into you the man is, the more inclined he will be to offer to pay… and actually I think it’s a useful gauge if you’re unsure how strong a connection he feels from the date.

A PP said you should only pay for what you consume Glad to hear it As a teetotaller i wouldnt be paying for someones alcohol

But you've said you don't ask men out, so you're expecting them to do the work of initiating and inviting, and therefore paying, every time. Which sounds entitled to me.

He wasn't interested in seeing you again. Why is it so hard to understand he wouldn't be paying for your dinner when he didn't enjoy the date with you? You absolutely sound like you expect a free dinner regardless of whether or not there will be a second date.

If you like traditional roles, that’s up to you. I think that translates to “I’m the breadwinner and you’ll be my stay at home partner and do it all”. If that fits with your life, and it’s what you’re looking for then fine. What would you have felt if he’d asked to come back to yours after as he’d paid for dinner?

I feel like we’ve moved on from this and I don’t want a man to lead me, make decisions for me. I’m perfectly capable of paying my own way and not be beholden to anyone. Surely the first date is a way of getting to know each other and see if you want to see each other again? In that situation I don’t feel it’s fair for anyone to have to pay for the whole thing. Fine for second, third, whatever.

Someone whipping their calculator out isn’t attractive but splitting 50:50 is fine. I like my men domesticated and willing to do 50:50 at home and so I’m happy to do 50:50 elsewhere too.

I dislike it when a man insists on paying as I feel it puts pressure on me to agree to a second date. I’d far rather split the bill.