To think men should automatically pay on a first date if they asked you out?

[ThisSnappyNewt]

Had a date recently - he asked me out, picked the place, and at the end said “Shall we split it?” I did but it left a bad taste. I just think if you’re the one initiating the date and doing the inviting, you should offer to pay - man or woman but especially if you’re the guy. It sets a tone. AIBU to think it’s just good manners and a red flag if they don’t?

Always split on first dates, it’s the cultural norm today. Subsequently you alternate generally

Depends on the age, there’s no real gender pay gap under the age of 40. And under the age of 25 women out earn men.
Given these age brackets probably have the highest proportion of people “dating” isn’t at all a reason for the man to be the only one to pay.

This.

It's 2025 women also earn money.

Why would anybody be going on a dinner date with somebody they don’t know?

Well if it's a first date they don't know each other well.

A dinner date is a bad idea first date though.

Well according to Louise Perrys article on hook up culture which i posted upthread a lot of women arent happy with it. Men are laughing. They have got women to pay halves AND have sex on the first few dates.
One guy in the article openly told the woman he had been sleeping with that she was lovely as she was but she wasnt girlfriend material.
Im old enough to remember when that was called the Madonna/whore complex

Women aren’t meek little creatures incapable of controlling their own lives, they are able to decide whether they want to sleep with a man or not. It’s got nothing to do with splitting the early dates.

Exactly, if women arent happy they dont need to be having sex after a few dates. They dont need to stay with a man who isnt giving her what she needs. And the fact that a woman wants to pay her share suggests that she is more likely to be a stronger woman who wouldn't put up with nonsense from men.

It’s men that like the big gestures like this on first dates. Had many in restaurants. It’s usually quite good and you can meet interesting people. Some men have plenty and like taking women out and insist on paying your taxi home after and feel insulted if you offer to pay. Others meekly ask to go dutch when the waitress hands them the bill. Men are embarrassed asking but they shouldn’t suggest dinner dates if they can’t foot the bill. Most women are happy to go for a coffee for first meet.

What we’re talking about is the men who wants to take the lead have the traditional role but even do basic stuff like turn up early so they’re there if you arrive early (that’s consideration most women don’t want to wait in a pub for a man). Then choose the restaurant without consultation (as that would be submissive in their eyes) and then want you to pay halves. If they’re a student and don’t have much I think most decent women would appreciate turning up to Starbucks early getting you a coffee and may be a small chocolate gift. It just shows you’re invested. This is nothing to do with getting a free plate of food. It sets the scene and Mr can’t be bothered will continue to lazy about courtship for the whole relationship and proclaim “You woman wanted equality”, in the tone of it serves you woman right for getting a careers.

I don’t agree with everything Jordan Peterson says but he said part of the gender pay gap is women’s predisposition to be more agreeable than men not secure a better deal. This agreeableness seems to filter through to dating and without the rules of the past have left women feeling they’re gold diggers for expecting a man to take the lead and demonstrate romance. Then women chip in claiming they don’t want to feel obligated to have sex, they’re not a child and can buy their own, it’s not the 1950s. Every excuse under the sun. There’s nothing wrong with men demonstrating they care and caring is not asking a woman out choosing a restaurant and going dutch when the bill comes. If a man wants to do that he has be more upfront about it.

Most women are happy to go for a coffee for first meet.

that's interesting because there are threads on here were posters have said that coffee dates make the man look cheap and a skin flint.
If you look on the dreaded tiktok there are many reels of women actually pricing out what they expect men to pay on first dates and listing the places that they should go.

You missed the rest “If they’re poor or a student”. If you’re an established professional it’s a bit cheap and favoured by the most boring men imaginable so not for me. I once went on a coffee date with a man who was professional and he was furious his previous coffee date turned up in her yoga gear having just finished a workout and had to rush as she had another date at 1pm. It’s made me chuckle but she’d nail it, matched his energy. I’ve concluded coffee dates are fine if you turn up in your gym gear and have the next one in an hour.

I'd never go for a full on meal with a stranger. Coffee date first to establish if you like each other. Of course nothing to stop coffee turning into a meal if it ends up going that well!

Exactly my thoughts for a first meet as effectively that’s what is when online dating. I would never go for more than that or a quick drink. Sure if that goes well we can get some food or continue the date on longer.

But you do not invite your friend on a romantic date, right?

One of the first proper dates I had out at age 18 I think he asked what I wanted and then asked for the same but on 2 plates, he said I'm paying. I went home very hungry and vowed never to go out with him again

Sorry, who did he say was going to pay? Did he order one meal between you and pay for it?

There are women who get paid to go to restaurants with men (and that's just the start...). They're called escorts. Apparently, many women here are keen to prostitute themselves to men, in 2025... Sad.

Also, who do some women think they are? Vivien Leigh?! Swanning up like some lady of the manor, expecting the lowly man to pay for the honour of your deigning to grace him with your presence...? What an inflated and deluded sense of self-importance!

I have the opposite. On dates men typically offer to pay, despite me insisting we split the bill. I feel embarrassed about that, as I would like to be treated as an equal, someone who is perfectly capable of paying her own way.

When he pays I feel like the power dynamic changes. Is he expecting something in return? Does he want to show his largesse?

It makes me feel like chattel someone. Like a kept woman.

With female friends splitting is never a problem.

I also agree with other posters that it's old fashioned and quite expensive for men who go on dates regularly.

These 'social rules' take agency away from women.

It must be tricky to be a man on a date so in reality if he insists to pay I do accept without a fuss, as I don't want the way he was brought up to be a thing on a first date. Surely if it works between us there are more important things to look for.

Doesn’t state that I expected it. I have also paid my own way or done 50/50. Please re read my comment.

I said id pay for my meal if money was a problem but no he wanted to keep me slim. I was probably 8 stone then. We went out maybe 4 times after. He really needed mental health help and I begged his mother to get him help but she didn't .

Hang on, there's a bit of a difference from a man asking you out on a date and buying you dinner, and being an escort, ffs!

He told you on a first date he didnt want you eating lots so you would stay slim?

Yip, I did find out years later that he liked smaller thinner woman for a reason.

Why on earth did you go on 4 more dates with him 😊

It's a sliding scale. Both involve a man essentially paying for the "privilege" of a woman's company, with the hope/expectation of more. In such an arrangement, the man's primary contribution is his wallet. The woman's contribution is primarily the fact that she's a woman, with a female body, which is (presumably) attractive to the man.