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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think men should automatically pay on a first date if they asked you out?

447 replies

ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 13:51

Had a date recently - he asked me out, picked the place, and at the end said “Shall we split it?” I did but it left a bad taste. I just think if you’re the one initiating the date and doing the inviting, you should offer to pay - man or woman but especially if you’re the guy. It sets a tone. AIBU to think it’s just good manners and a red flag if they don’t?

OP posts:
MuffinsOrCake · 07/04/2025 14:45

I think if I remember correct the 3 men I dated before meeting my husband paid or kind of waited to see what I want to happen. I was not having the most fashionable CEO job at the time though, and put that in the dating site, so they know what kind of income level I am. May be that helped them be more gentleman

deeahgwitch · 07/04/2025 14:45

AnnaBalfour · 07/04/2025 14:08

Yes, they should. Nothing worse than a mean man.

I agree

JHound · 07/04/2025 14:46

Also I put YABU because your question is bullshit.

There is no “should”. Gender roles should not be socially proscribed but you are free to have whatever preferences you want.

So no, men should not be expected to pay. But it is fine for you to want a dynamic in your relationship which is that the man always pays. And find a man who shares those values.

aCatCalledFawkes · 07/04/2025 14:46

I just wouldn't agree to going out to dinner on a first date in the first place. I think uncertainty about who is paying is a huge trap you can fall in too.
Bare in mind he might meet women often for dinner, it would get expensive if he paid all costs everytime.

x2boys · 07/04/2025 14:46

HoskinsChoice · 07/04/2025 13:59

The 1970's would like this post back!

FFS, women battled for equality for years, sometimes giving their lives for it and now here we are finally getting something towards equality... but some women still want men to pay. It's embarrassing.

Agree some people only want equaliity when it suits them

Onelifeonly · 07/04/2025 14:46

MounjaroOnMyMind · 07/04/2025 14:13

This isn't the same thing. He asked her to go out with him. He chose the restaurant. He then asked her to split the bill. If he wanted to share the bill he should have discussed with her beforehand what they should do and where they should go - he had no idea what she could afford.

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If she couldn't afford it, more fool her. A date is supposedly a mutually beneficial situation. Both parties are hoping to meet someone they might start a relationship with. It's not as if she went because she was desperate to eat.

MuffinsOrCake · 07/04/2025 14:47

the 3 men dates. Sorry, have had 3 dates with them because was on a dating site. Could not date 3 at the same time and be live in nanny with 6 kids

TruthOrNo · 07/04/2025 14:48

ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 13:59

No, I don’t think so. It wasn’t just the bill - the vibe felt a bit off overall and that moment just kind of confirmed it for me. I don’t expect grand gestures but basic thoughtfulness goes a long way.

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I think that whoever asks for the date pays the bill. He asked you out on a date he pays.

Next time, if you suggest the date and where to go, you pay.

Or if it's a mutual arranging where to go, you go fifty fifty.

Or maybe i'm old fashioned

RuthTopp · 07/04/2025 14:48

I haven't dated in a long while as with dh ( 20 years ) but I'm a bit on the fence with this one .
Yes someone has to do the asking , but you are yet to see if it's likely to turn into a romance. You don't expect a friend to pay for your evening if they've asked you out .
I also would hate to be beholden to someone if they tried to kiss / hug . If you've paid your way then you don't owe them anything !

x2boys · 07/04/2025 14:48

wrongthinker · 07/04/2025 14:29

Generosity is a quality I highly value in people, so I would want him to at least offer. If I didn't want to see him again, I'd counter offer to split the bill. If I did, I'd accept him paying and offer to pay for our next date.

Maybe your dates slso value generosity?

Sofiewoo · 07/04/2025 14:49

Yes, they should. Nothing worse than a mean man.

What do you call a woman who doesn’t want to pay for herself then, let alone cover his meal?

Original poster
ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 14:49

Sofiewoo · 07/04/2025 14:42

It takes two people to bring the energy and conversation.
You’re not reducing it to a man having to pay for your time and interest.

If you didn’t feel you both aligned and there was no future then why on earth should he pay for your dinner??

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It’s not about someone paying for my time or interest - I’m not suggesting that. I just believe when someone invites you out, chooses the venue, and sets the tone, it’s thoughtful for them to offer to cover it. That offer signals intentionality and sets a certain dynamic, regardless of whether there’s longer-term potential.

I didn’t know there wasn’t a future until the date happened and how he handled things (including the bill) was part of what shaped that feeling. I wasn’t looking for a free meal - I was open to connection. But if someone invites me out and doesn’t follow through in a way that feels intentional or generous, it tells me something.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 07/04/2025 14:49

TheCastleDoesNotReply · 07/04/2025 14:42

I find it quite odd anybody would go out for a meal in a restaurant for a first date. Surely better to meet someone in a less intense setting where you can escape easily without it dragging on for hours, if it becomes very boring or it becomes apparent there is not sufficient attraction or compatibility for it to be worthwhile pursuing it further?

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I agree, it’s why coffee shops and pubs were invented surely?!

Coali · 07/04/2025 14:50

You both weren’t feeling the date, surely the right thing to do is split it? Or were you expecting a free meal and no opportunity to make up for it after (as you didn’t want to see each other again).

I would agree that if someone offers to take you out, chooses a restaurant, etc, then they should pay, but this assumes then men and women both ask each other out equally, which is not the case for you.

Surely it’s better to split the first date in case you’re not compatible, then take it in turns to pay once a rapport has established. Expecting the man to pay for every first date sounds sexist to me, but if that’s the person you are and the type of person you want, then it’s probably a good signifier for you.

Brefugee · 07/04/2025 14:50

it's a while since i've been on a date, but in general i would be setting the "ground rules" before the date. And in my case, it would ALWAYS be to split the bill, especially on a first date. Knowing how some men are about "owing them" if they pay for you.

Sofiewoo · 07/04/2025 14:51

So are you saying the date was going well up until the bill and the only thing that put you off seeing him again was paying for your own dinner?
Or that your values weren’t aligned over the course of the date in which case why should he cover the meal when you aren’t interested and are going your separate ways?

gertrudebiggles · 07/04/2025 14:51

It's a real bugbear of mine when there's an assumption the man pays. I think in this situation, as he asked you out, it is reasonable to have perhaps expected him to offer, but I couldn't take someone up on that. I'm not a child! I work and earn money, and a man paying for me is icky and outdated IMO.

Someone has to be the one to suggest the date, and if you agreed to go and ate/drank, you should be willing to pay your way.

JenniferBooth · 07/04/2025 14:52

ImmortalSnowman · 07/04/2025 13:58

There's a thread like this every week.

Don't agree to the date if you can't afford where you've been invited. A first date doesn't obligate anyone to pay anything other than their own way.

So many saying he's mean, well imo you're a gold digger.

Gold diggers today are setting their sights really low arent they A free carbonara is all they can aspire to apparently Must be the COL crisis eh!!!! 🙄

Rickrolypoly · 07/04/2025 14:52

MuffinsOrCake · 07/04/2025 14:43

goodness. ok

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Was there a point to your comment?

Winifredtabago · 07/04/2025 14:52

MounjaroOnMyMind · 07/04/2025 14:13

This isn't the same thing. He asked her to go out with him. He chose the restaurant. He then asked her to split the bill. If he wanted to share the bill he should have discussed with her beforehand what they should do and where they should go - he had no idea what she could afford.

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But this is 2025 it's not unreasonable for a man to expect a woman to have a job and be able to pay. If the restaurant was too expensive for her then she could have told him she couldn't afford there, thus also alerting him to the fact she wasnt expecting to pay for anything.

Ilovecleaning · 07/04/2025 14:53

Definitely.

SuperTrooper14 · 07/04/2025 14:53

But if someone invites me out and doesn’t follow through in a way that feels intentional or generous, it tells me something.

It tells you that at some point in the date he decided he wasn't into you and didn't want to pay the entire bill.

JenniferBooth · 07/04/2025 14:54

x2boys · 07/04/2025 14:46

Agree some people only want equaliity when it suits them

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Like the men who want 50/50 when it suits them financially like splitting the cost on dates and getting their partners to pay for all of their own maternity leave. But 50/50 on housework and childcare is yet to happen according to statistics

ImmortalSnowman · 07/04/2025 14:55

JenniferBooth · 07/04/2025 14:52

Gold diggers today are setting their sights really low arent they A free carbonara is all they can aspire to apparently Must be the COL crisis eh!!!! 🙄

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OK freeloader then.

Gold digger was a response to the bitching he was mean for not paying for her dinner when by her own admission the date didn't go well. Maybe he would have paid IF he wanted to see her again.

Cosyblankets · 07/04/2025 14:55

ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 14:11

That’s fair but I didn’t go into the date planning not to see him again. I went in open-minded. It was how things unfolded - especially the way he handled the bill - that made me realise we probably weren’t a match. So no, I wasn’t expecting a free meal but I do pay attention to how people show up and that moment showed me a lot.

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How else would you describe it. You said part way through you weren't feeling it. You wanted him to pay anyway. How is that anything other than a free meal.
Yes it's nice if they offer but if you're not feeling it that's definitely a 50 50 bill

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