To think men should automatically pay on a first date if they asked you out?

[ThisSnappyNewt]

Had a date recently - he asked me out, picked the place, and at the end said “Shall we split it?” I did but it left a bad taste. I just think if you’re the one initiating the date and doing the inviting, you should offer to pay - man or woman but especially if you’re the guy. It sets a tone. AIBU to think it’s just good manners and a red flag if they don’t?

Cause I was 18/19 and not very bright where men were concerned lol. I finally found the right guy when I was 36.

This sums it up perfectly 👆

Good to hear!

Chivalry is dead. Holding a door open for anyone is courteous - man woman or child. Women expecting men to pay when they have their own money is grabby. Judge a parter for who they are not what you can gain from them

A lot of women online get the attention that used to be reserved for movie stars. Thousands of men matching them wanting dates, hordes of likes for all their photos. That's going to go to their heads.

Maybe he did not feel the vibe and thought to split the bill. After all later on you say 'the vibe felt off'. If you felt that way then likely this was communicated in subtle or not so subtle ways and he felt it from you. Also remember that men do the majority of the asking out and by your requirements this means they always pay. You said yourself that you've never asked a man out and I assume this goes for not just first dates. Also, while I am not saying that you are one of them, there is a category of women who let men ask them out, pay for a nice dinner and then immediately ghost them. So maybe he has experienced that a few times and is tired of it. In all cases, the man (or woman) has no obligation to pay the entire bill, splitting is fine in this enlightened era. And it does not matter who invited who.

Being invited to have lunch with a friend is a completely different dynamic to being asked out on a date.

With a friend, the relationship has already been established. You're in a friendship, you're equals, you do things together.

On a date, there's no relationship yet and you haven't yet decided you even want one. Someone has approached you and asked you out. You don't know them. And in today's world, it's even less likely you've ever met them due to online dating. They are saying "I am interested in you, I would like to learn more about you and I'd like to show some of myself to you to see if you could like me too". They are hosting and you are agreeing to be hosted by them because they asked you to agree to be. They're not asking to do an activity together in an already established, equal relationship.

The host therefore pays. Regardless of gender. And it is in no way comparable to a friend suggesting lunch together.

I would have said "Split the bill? Sure, if you prefer, but I would have preferred a say in the restaurant chosen. I also like that it eliminates the belief some people have that if he picks up the tab, he's owed something toward the end of the evening. Lovely suggestion you had.... Oh, and don't call me; I'll call you."

Maybe he'd learn a lesson in 'first date etiquette' after HE requested the date, or maybe all he ever has is 'first dates'.

Thing is, you can’t have your cake and eat it too when talking of equality.

Ive never expected a man to pay on a date. I earn my own money (generally higher than men I’ve dated). Cost of living is far too expensive to expect others to pay.

I also don’t like the old fashioned idea that a man is paying for the pleasure of my company. I’d always insist on paying my share.

Honestly I would just assume that he wasn’t feeling it either and didn’t plan on seeing you again so didn’t want to pay for dinner for a stranger he was never going to see again ( which I think is fair enough ) he might have paid if he had fancied you more and really felt date was going well.

either way. It’s becoming more and more common for men and women to split on first dates as people are having more first dates due to online dating and it wouldn’t be sustainable for men to pay every time if they are having a number of dates every month.

The general rule is that whoever does the inviting pays (regardless of sex), and if they want to split the bill they should say so before the other person accepts the invitation.

However, it is also good manners for the invitee to offer to split the bill (regardless of sex). Regardless of 'general rules', you shouldn't assume or expect the other party to pay unless it was explicitly agreed beforehand.

It sort of goes both ways. Personally, I'd never go anywhere without being able to pay my own way if needed.

Any time a man has paid the bill for me (after me offering to split), I have paid for the next meal out. I still do this with my partner now.

Surely in this day and age of women earning their own income and being self supporting this is an outdated custom?

Have we gone back to 1970s? 🤔😂 smh

I expect a man to pay on the first date BUT I’ll always pay on the second. So it gets split anyway, but I don’t want my first impression of him to be one of stinginess.

It's nice when a man pays, but too many men operate under the assumption that paying for your meal means you owe them sex. So I'm always upfront if a suggested location is out of my budget and I always assume that we will be splitting the bill.

I would never go on a date expecting a virtual stranger to pay for my food and drink. I’d always offer to split but I’d accept if they insisted on paying which most men tend to.

But I never now go to dinner as a first date. I can’t think of anything worse than being stuck over 3 courses with someone you know within minutes you’re not feeling

I find drinks easier to navigate. They usually buy the first round, I insist on getting the second

No, I think splitting the bill makes most sense of a first date.

I'm a single, mature man, who occasionally dates (looking for someone to share life with, but happy as I am till the right person comes along, so not particularly trying very hard) ... I would never date (again) someone who expected me to pay, and who didn't automatically offer to share ... we've moved on from the 1970s, thankfully.

I have been dating on and off for a few months now.

I don’t expect a man to pay on a first date I would be offering to split the bill. But with online dating I also don’t agree to dinner, I would be happy with a coffee initially as I don’t want to have to sit for hours with someone I’m not feeling. If it’s going well then obviously coffee can lead to a second or something else.

I do like when I offer though and they insist on paying. But then I would be getting the second date or whatever.

@ThisSnappyNewt you're the red flag in this scenario

I've been dating again for about 4 years, in my late-40s. 95% of the time I'm the one asking them out, I always split it but first dates are always coffee (at most a drink). But then I started dating in the early noughties, and always paid my way then - thinking that Destiny's Child's Independent Women didn't have the effect on others that it had on me then, I always wanted to pay my share