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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepdaughter and holiday

234 replies

Tinogirl · 07/04/2025 13:11

My stepdaughter has no interest in having a relationship with my daughter. There is 18 months between them.

She rarely stays with us so my husband takes her for a meal in the week and collects her from events/hobbies etc. He also stays with her at MiL’s every month or so.

She has been on holiday with us twice in 7 years on both occasions to The States. On the second occasion she refused to share a room with my daughter. When we go on holiday as a family husband will then take her on a separate holiday, on occasion they are joined by their extended family.

My daughter and I sometimes go away with my mother and sometimes we are joined by one of my brothers and his family, my husband doesn’t ever want to join us.

This year my daughter and I are going to see cousin in The States on our own and my husband and I are going away again to The States on our own. This is being tacked onto a work trip. Stepdaughter wants to come on this trip. I have said no but husband says she can come. It will be a rare opportunity for us to be together and the dynamic will change if she is there. I would also then feel guilty about my daughter. Husband argues that my daughter will be at school but stepdaughter has longer holidays.

Stepdaughter’s mother has said that if she can’t go with us just because my daughter isn’t there it will look as if we only invite her to be a babysitter for my daughter. That has never been the case.

Step-daughter has many holidays and enjoys quite a privileged life with her mother.

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 07/04/2025 13:15

You are allowed to have holidays without your children .. full or step. As long as his responsibilities as far as his daugher is concerned are covered

CuriousGeorge80 · 07/04/2025 13:17

Is your daughter also his daughter, or do you both have one child each and no shared? How old are the girls?

PinkyFlamingo · 07/04/2025 13:17

Well it's your DH who's the problem really isn't it

autisticbookworm · 07/04/2025 13:21

I can’t see the issue as you are already raking your dd separately. Do you not enjoy your sd company? If you are really against it you could drop out and your dh go with his dd.

Yesterdaywassunny · 07/04/2025 13:28

It's totally reasonable to have a short adult holiday tacked onto the end of your DHs work trip, or at any stage to be honest, as long as the kids are looked after.

Tell your DH you want some couple time with him, you want to drink cocktails etc

Original poster
Tinogirl · 07/04/2025 13:40

The girls are 11 and 13, we have no joint children.

My stepdaughter goes away a lot with her mother and is given every opportunity to come with us but chooses not to come. As a result my husband takes her away in his own. I resent the fact that she now thinks she can come as the destination suits and my daughter won’t be there. .

The trip I am going on with my daughter is a one off.

I have to go on the trip in October for work and want a couple’s holiday afterwards, just the two of us. I have told my DH this but he is delighted his child wants to come.

OP posts:
Kallabra · 07/04/2025 14:22

Just say no. He can take his daughter away separately if he wants, but in your shoes I wouldn’t be ditching my own daughter to go on a family holiday with his.

unlikelywitch · 07/04/2025 14:30

You’re entitled to a couple’s holiday and your DH should take his daughter away just the two of them. It’s the least he can do considering he barely sees her. Is the current arrangement his choice or hers?

Snorlaxo · 07/04/2025 14:32

The problem is your husband.

SD is a teen so will obviously try and negotiate the best deal for herself which is obviously holidays without your dd. She does this because she knows what her dad is like (easily manipulated ) so will be thinking why not?

Yanbu to want a child free holiday. Uninvite your h if he can’t say no to his daughter.

Swiftie1878 · 07/04/2025 14:35

This is bigger than one holiday.
This whole situation needs to be sorted out properly.
His daughter needs to understand that as much as she and her dad are a package deal, so are you and your daughter. If she rejects one, she rejects both.
You are happy to be a complete, blended family, but not for your DD to be singled out for exclusion.
Your DH’s DD can’t slide into a holiday you’ve tacked onto a work trip just because the location suits her. You are there. It’s your trip. She is rejecting you (through her treatment of your DD) and is therefore not welcome.

Tiswa · 07/04/2025 14:36

You have a husband issue indeed all the issues created as either your husband or your perceptions of your stepdaughter and her lofe

Vaxtable · 07/04/2025 14:40

Just tell him no. It’s couple time. If he insists I would cancel him coming hi on my own to the work thing and perhaps stay a few days after on my own

He needs to understand his daughter can’t come in every trip in exactly the way your daughter can’t

RedHelenB · 07/04/2025 14:48

I think you should to go on the work trip alone. Telling your dh no will just cause more arguments.

Watermill · 07/04/2025 14:52

So it’s your work trip?

Tell him he’s no longer welcome.

BodenCardiganNot · 07/04/2025 14:53

What does your 11 year old daughter think of the situation that she has to live with? She must be well aware that your stepdaughter dislikes her and has no interest in her.

AgnesXNitt · 07/04/2025 14:56

"I'm not holidaying with you and your child when my child isn't invited" is an entirely reasonable position to hold in this case. Also would have to wonder why your DH doesn't want to spend time together as a couple. How's the relationship generally?

TooMuchRedMaybe · 07/04/2025 15:02

BodenCardiganNot · 07/04/2025 14:53

What does your 11 year old daughter think of the situation that she has to live with? She must be well aware that your stepdaughter dislikes her and has no interest in her.

That's what I was thinking too. How damaging this must be for OPs DD and is the relationship really worth it if she is spending her childhood feeling like some unwanted outsider. I would definitely reconsider the relationship and end it, especially after having had years of this. His DD is not going to change but your DD will grow up feeling rejected because you are still allowing this other child to be around. Protect your child and leave your DP.

ItGhoul · 07/04/2025 15:39

I don't see why your stepdaughter should have to be interested in a relationship with your daughter, really, and certainly not in sharing a room with her. They're not related. She's a teenager and your daughter isn't. The only thing they have in common is that SD's dad happened to marry DD's mum.

When I was 13, I don't think I'd have wanted to hang out or share a room with a random 11-year-old, which is effectively what your daughter is to your stepdaughter.

I don't think you should be obliged to take her to the US with you on this occasion, but I do think your DH should probably offer to take her somewhere on his own. I feel quite sorry for her.

feelingrobbed · 07/04/2025 16:11

Just don’t go with him? Let him and his DD holiday together. Not really a big deal. He won’t go with just you and your daughter, so have some pride and do the same.

QuickPeachPoet · 07/04/2025 16:18

A babysitter to your daughter? They are practically the same age! That is a silly argument.

Frugalgal · 07/04/2025 16:20

You are bonkers to be going to the USA at the moment. Have you seen what they are doing to tourists?

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 07/04/2025 16:24

Your husband has caved in to his daughter and ex from a young age that she believes she can click her fingers to manipulate him into getting what she wants. If this has been going on for 7 years that means she was 6 when this all started….that should have been nipped in the bud there and then but your husband continues to pander to her.

I would say no. If he says she can come then he wouldn’t be going either and I would be enjoying the solo trip!

Nanny0gg · 07/04/2025 16:24

Frugalgal · 07/04/2025 16:20

You are bonkers to be going to the USA at the moment. Have you seen what they are doing to tourists?

It's work to start with

And if it's the OP's work her DH either joins her after on his own or he doesn't bother

Branleuse · 07/04/2025 16:34

can you uninvite your husband from your work trip

Waterweight · 07/04/2025 16:37

It doesn't really matter how you feel if your husbands already said yes & your step daughter is used to picking which holidays she goes on ... ?

Your best bet would be to drop out yourself (yes it'll be painful if you've had your heart set on a couples break & even more so if you've spent money on it) but as you've said the dynamic will be different & it'll re-enforce bad behaviour on both him & his sprog