My husband says I can't have a pottery wheel even though my neighbour has offered to let me keep it in her studio

[Observermum1]

I don't ask for much but really fancy a second hand pottery wheel. My husband says it's a waste of money and that I won't use it much. I feel really sad as I have fancied one for years. My neighbour has even offered to put it in her shed/studio as we don't have room for it. AIBU?

That right there is the clincher, frankly.

He gets multiple guitars.

You're into art and make money from it and you can't have an affordable pottery wheel that you've already sorted logistics and firing on?

Your DH is an arsehole and quite unreasonable.

Oh please don't wait for his permission! Who the hell does he think he is?! More to the point, why wouldn't he want you to have something you'll use and enjoy? What a fun sponge.

Is he just doing that huffing whinge that they do, or is it a hard "no".

And what's his real problem?

You're not a child. You have your own money and can afford it. Why do you need his permission? Does he want you at home maybe, waiting on him, giving him attention and making him feel important?

Has he said you can't have it or he won't help you to move it?

Tell him to do one, he's not your boss

I really don't know. He said the only way I can have one is if we move house, but I don't really want to move, and am happy to pop round to my lovely neighbour's studio to use it. I am finding this forum really helpful. Thanks, it is good to hear different viewpoints.

Let me get this straight: you are an artist who already sells her paintings, you wish to buy a pottery wheel with your own money and it will be kept next door but your husband says you can't buy it?

Do you live in one of those cult-type communities where women are subservient to men? Or are you currently in a reality TV show set in the 1950s? If it's neither of those things and your husband is just a selfish arsehole, tell him to get stuffed and buy the pottery wheel. Then buy your own shed to keep it in so you don't have to go next door.

Whether he is right or wrong about it being a waste of money isn't the point.

If he says you can't have one, then your relationship is seriously flawed. It's not his place to tell you what you can or can't do, nor yours to tell him.

Is this what he has said, or are you just using "he said I can't have one" to mean he is arguing that you shouldn't get one?

Well, it doesn't sound like thinking is something he does that often. Perhaps you should assume he doesn't really NEED his brain and do away with him for the life insurance.

In seriousness, I'd ask him who exactly he thought he was dictating to. He doesn't get to veto anything he isn't paying for.

This is my gut feeling, that I shouldn't need his permission. I'm stunned tbh.

He doesn't get to tell you you can't have it. He does get to have an opinion, which you can tell him is duly noted.

What were his actual words? "You can't have one"? If so what did you say to that, and has he said anything like that before?

100% this, is you are husband basing his actions on the person your are, rather than the person you would like yourself to be.

Of COURSE you don't need his permission. Why on earth would you think otherwise? What else do you need his permission for?

It's immaterial. That's very good grounds for arguing she shouldn't buy it; still gives absolutely no justification for saying "can't".

There is a thing people say on here: "When someone tells you who they are - listen."

Hmm...he said that we don't have room for it and he thinks I won't use it much and I should just stick to painting. When I told him our neighbour offered to let me keep one at hers (we discussed this about two years ago) he stormed out of the house. I think that I should be allowed to buy it with my own money and use it as often or as little as I choose.

Simple solution: “Dave, I’ve bought that pottery wheel. I’m off to use it now so see you in a couple of hours”.

Does he need all his guitars? Do you control what he buys? He is being awful and you should ignore him and buy the pottery wheel. I'm sure you can find someone to help you install it even if he isn't willing to help.

As you already make money from your art and you are obviously artistic and creative, you may very well make money from your pottery once you are more experienced.

Yeah we have this issue in our house. DH goes all in on a hobby only to abandon it weeks later!

I can see how he might have an opinion on something you want to buy with your money in a conversational way. But why on earth does he get to veto purchases you want to make with your own money? Or put another way, why is he controlling your spending?

Please buy it and make beautiful things.

Buy it, I think you would love it, and anyway even if you don’t you can sell it on
Your husband has his hobbies, you are entitled to yours
You shouldn’t really need his permission for this

So, as an artist selling your work, you are presumably a sole trader, and a pottery wheel is a legitimate business expense. As would be the clay, and the firing costs.
If he won't help you move it, hire someone locally to do so (also a business expense)
If you already have established channels for selling your work, I presume you'll have outlets for the pots also. Tell him you're going to be the next Picasso (not he attitude to women, just the pots) and crack on!
Good Luck!

Tell him to piss off.