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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband says I can't have a pottery wheel even though my neighbour has offered to let me keep it in her studio

458 replies

Observermum1 · 07/04/2025 12:59

I don't ask for much but really fancy a second hand pottery wheel. My husband says it's a waste of money and that I won't use it much. I feel really sad as I have fancied one for years. My neighbour has even offered to put it in her shed/studio as we don't have room for it. AIBU?

OP posts:
Hdjdb42 · 08/04/2025 07:02

I don't think it's a good idea. She's elderly and could go soon, you'd be stuck with removing and selling it. Couldn't you build a shed in your garden, to store it?

SezFrankly · 08/04/2025 07:05

Observermum1 · 07/04/2025 13:46

Thanks. No, I don't ask for much at all and am very low maintenance. I am an artist so that is my main 'thing' but I do sell my paintings and am pretty successful tbh. We aren't skint, though we aren't loaded. Luckily own our home. He doesn't think I should do pottery as well as painting,but painting is my profession, I see pottery as a hobby.

Obv He's allowed an opinion but you should honestly laugh in his face and tell him to F off. Mt other half expresses his opinions like this too, it's taken me a while to understand, that's all they are. Do what you want. No one can tell you, you can't have a hobby. You shouldn't even have to justify it.

SezFrankly · 08/04/2025 07:09

nokidshere · 07/04/2025 16:20

I have tons of hobbies, some stuff doesn’t get used for months and none of it has been used for a year due to ill health. DH brings in most of the money in our house and he would never dictate what I could or couldn’t do or what I could spend. The only caveat is that the bills are paid and we discuss anything very expensive regarding finances and NOT whether we could or should be doing said hobby.

i paint, I bake, I create ‘stuff’, I build things and I have tons of tools for all of these things. I always have a project on the go. My next purchase will be a 2nd hand piano (when I find room for it) as I’ve always wanted to learn.It’s not for dh to say which hobbies I should be doing or me him. He birdwatches & does wildlife photography, he carries round on his shoulders equipment that cost (over the years) more than our family car. It doesn’t matter if we make money from these things, they bring us joy & calm.

on the face of it you are not being unreasonable, nor are you impacting family finances, so buy the wheel and enjoy it.

Lots of pianos on free loved, but they'll need money spending. Some shops sell refurbished pianos, when a customer upgrades, too.

Enjoy 🥰

Agenoria · 08/04/2025 07:15

Observermum1 · 07/04/2025 16:13

Crikey, I missed lots of here as I was round at my neighbours house (she's very happy to let me keep the wheel at hers btw). So, my husband is not doing all the work, in fact I do most of the day to day work for our holiday let business (cleaning, ironing, managing the bookings, doing the accounts, buying everything we need for guests etc). He does the garden and general maintenance. I make profit from my paintings.He doesn't gig or teach guitar, but he is very good at it and I have never begrudged him having nice guitars tbh. I'm going to get myself a second hand wheel (haven't heard if the one I saw is still available yet, but I shall keep looking if not) and use it at my neighbour's house. I can't get my head around why he is against it.

I suspect that your answer is in this post. He doesn't want you to have the pottery wheel because he's worried you'll be spending time on it and more of the drudge work in the holiday let business will fall to him. I'm prepared to bet that cleaning etc takes a hell of a lot more time than gardening. The fact that the wheel will be at your neighbour's makes it even worse in his eyes, because you won't be easily available on the premises to deal with holiday inquiries, complaints, bookings etc.

AlmostCutMyHairToday · 08/04/2025 07:23

Could the issue be where you'd store the pieces? When they're drying they can take up quite a bit of space as can't be stacked. (maybe he can lose some guitars to make space)

In any case, him storming out of the house instead of discussing isn't the most constructive. Sounds like there's more to it.

SapphireSeptember · 08/04/2025 07:43

My nob of an ex husband was like this with my hobby (make up and nail polish.) It's still my hobby now. But now I can indulge without feeling guilty about it. My rent and bills are paid, DS and I are fed and clothed and he has enough nappies and things. If I buy some nail polish it's a nice thing I'm doing for me.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 08/04/2025 08:12

Ok so the kiln isn’t available any more. What are you going to do about the controlling husband?

Storming out of the house is not normal. Spending £6k on a hobby and begrudging you £350 is not normal. Feeling you have to ask him for permission when you’ve sorted logistics is not normal.

Blogswife · 08/04/2025 08:13

Tell him that there’s been a miscommunication
You weren’t asking for his permission , you were just letting him know your plans and if he’s not able to help lift it you'll get hunky man down the road to help !

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 08/04/2025 08:17

I think you need to talk to him and point out the massive double standard of him saying you can’t have a pottery wheel when he has such expensive guitars. I’d like to know how he reacts because so far he sounds like a dick.

Roselilly36 · 08/04/2025 08:43

I agree, just buy it, and enjoy it. Life is short. Never in 31 years of marriage has my DH ever questioned anything I want, or money I spend.

Addictedtohotbaths · 08/04/2025 08:47

Is he worried your pottery is going to get as good as your paintings and you make even more money.

Its none of his business if you have the money and you’ve found a space for it.

joliefolle · 08/04/2025 08:47

Agree with PP, this is not about the pottery wheel - whether he admits it or not, it's about you being less available to cover all the responsibilities that are assigned to you for the business while he does gardening/maintenance and plays his guitars.

Zonder · 08/04/2025 08:48

Observermum1 · 07/04/2025 20:28

Thank you, unfortunately the one I wanted sold already. I will keep looking for one.

At least next time you will be ready to dive in and buy it. What a cheeky begrudging you spending £350 when he has spent £6000 on guitars! Did he ask your permission?

SanctusInDistress · 08/04/2025 08:48

He’s worried you will spend less time on the painting that brings in money. There, that’s why.

muggart · 08/04/2025 09:06

Observermum1 · 07/04/2025 16:46

I have always thought our marriage is great, our children are grown up and happy. We've been married for over 28 years. I guess I am shocked by how controlling he seems with this.

I suppose it doesn’t improve his life in any way and if something benefits you but not him then it’s worthless in his eyes.

Do you ever do other things for yourself?

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 08/04/2025 09:15

I hope you find another wheel.

The storming out sounds so childish, I hope you got angry at that.

I suspect that the poster up thread has it, he's worried he'll have to take on more of the holiday let work.

Original poster
Observermum1 · 08/04/2025 09:23

Thanks, that is now what I will do.

OP posts:
SantaToSSD · 08/04/2025 09:25

OP, you haven't got a birthday coming up, have you? I was just wondering if the reason your husband was so adamant you shouldn't buy the wheel is because he intended buying it for you himself? You say it has been sold already..... just a thought.

Original poster
Observermum1 · 08/04/2025 09:34

Thanks, yes, I have an accountant who advises me on this stuff as I sell my paintings, prints etc. I would include anything I buy for pottery as an expense too as I intend to sell things I make.

OP posts:
Original poster
Observermum1 · 08/04/2025 09:37

*Update, my husband says he has been thinking about it and he can make room in one of our sheds for it 🙂. The one I wanted has sold now but I shall keep looking. I think he has realised that it's my decision to make if I want to make pottery as well as painting. I know in future I just need to be more assertive. Thank you all xx

OP posts:
mindutopia · 08/04/2025 09:39

Why have you even asked his permission? And if he said no, so what? Just buy it.

I can’t even tell you how many motorbikes and actual bikes Dh has bought over the years without even so much as mentioning it to me. I would definitely be like, don’t be so daft, because he rarely uses them. His current motorbike has been sitting in the garage untouched now for probably 2 years because he never rides it. But nothing to do with me. I would roll my eyes, but his money, he doesn’t need my permission.

Similarly, I have a horse. I discussed him with Dh before I bought him, but I never asked his permission. It’s my money and my time.

AutumnFroglets · 08/04/2025 09:46

Observermum1 · 08/04/2025 09:37

*Update, my husband says he has been thinking about it and he can make room in one of our sheds for it 🙂. The one I wanted has sold now but I shall keep looking. I think he has realised that it's my decision to make if I want to make pottery as well as painting. I know in future I just need to be more assertive. Thank you all xx

If he can suddenly make room in one of your sheds (how many do you have and what are they filled with??) then has he explained his unacceptable anger/behaviour over it? Because that is a big problem especially if you think you need to be more assertive in future.

However... yay to getting a potters wheel in the near future!!

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 08/04/2025 10:00

Observermum1 · 08/04/2025 09:37

*Update, my husband says he has been thinking about it and he can make room in one of our sheds for it 🙂. The one I wanted has sold now but I shall keep looking. I think he has realised that it's my decision to make if I want to make pottery as well as painting. I know in future I just need to be more assertive. Thank you all xx

This is great news.

RedPony1 · 08/04/2025 10:32

Why did you even ask if its coming out of your own money?

i would never dream of asking my partner if i could spend my own money!!

Edit - missed the update - Yey!! Enjoy making your pots!

DazzlingCuckoos · 08/04/2025 10:59

Observermum1 · 08/04/2025 09:37

*Update, my husband says he has been thinking about it and he can make room in one of our sheds for it 🙂. The one I wanted has sold now but I shall keep looking. I think he has realised that it's my decision to make if I want to make pottery as well as painting. I know in future I just need to be more assertive. Thank you all xx

Convenient!

Have a phrase ready in your mind if he should ever come out with this shit again. Like "so... it's OK for you to spend £6,000 on guitars, that you can only play one at a time, but I'm not allowed to spend X on a pottery wheel that might actually earn me money as well as making me happy?"

or a simple "I wasn't asking you for permission - I was just telling you what I'm doing".

I hope you find an even better wheel now OP!