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AIBU?

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Original poster

Paying for own birthday meal

426 replies

butterfly172 · 07/04/2025 10:21

So it’s my fiancé’s birthday tomorrow. His 3 adult children don’t pay anything towards birthday dinner, instead he pays for it…I’m paying for it tomorrow as I refuse to let him pay for his own birthday meal, he does it every year. It gives me the hump that he pays for everyone to eat on his birthday (his youngest child is 22), am I being silly or is my thought process valid?

OP posts:
Sofiewoo · 07/04/2025 10:23

You’re being weird. How finances around his children are his business. It’s perfectly normal for parents to still pay for their adult children’s meal. It’s not that weird, a 22 year old isn’t earning a lot of money and many parents wouldn’t necessarily want their child to go without so they can treat the parent to a meal.

Fatballsandbirdcake · 07/04/2025 10:27

I am guessing you don't have children, @butterfly172

Moveoverdarlin · 07/04/2025 10:30

A man wants to pay for his children when out for his birthday meal. Perfectly normal.

When I was 22 and earning a pittance my dear Dad wouldn’t have dreamed of letting me pay for a meal. Fucking hell.

Let him pay for everyone. It’s fine. If he threw a party you wouldn’t expect guests to pay for their own food and booze.

PullTheBricksDown · 07/04/2025 10:31

If he's strapped for cash then you might have a point. But if he's a middle aged guy who's financially comfortable and likes to treat his kids who are earning standard money for 20somethings, then I'd let him crack on.

Moveoverdarlin · 07/04/2025 10:31

What sort of bloke would sit back and let a 22 year old pay the bill on his birthday? A shitty one that’s who.

Original poster
butterfly172 · 07/04/2025 10:32

He’s got 3 adult children as I said…eldest is 29

OP posts:
Original poster
butterfly172 · 07/04/2025 10:34

Moveoverdarlin · 07/04/2025 10:31

What sort of bloke would sit back and let a 22 year old pay the bill on his birthday? A shitty one that’s who.

He’s got 3 children who all earn good money, unreasonable for them to all chip in??

OP posts:
Original poster
butterfly172 · 07/04/2025 10:34

Fatballsandbirdcake · 07/04/2025 10:27

I am guessing you don't have children, @butterfly172

No, I don’t. And I’m guessing that makes me a bad person??

OP posts:
JC89 · 07/04/2025 10:35

Unless the children are getting him nothing, YABU.

Sofiewoo · 07/04/2025 10:35

butterfly172 · 07/04/2025 10:32

He’s got 3 adult children as I said…eldest is 29

And?

Are you a similar age to his children? Is this why you have such weird feelings towards them?

It’s totally common for an adult to pay for his children’s meals. It’s weird for the parent of adult children to view time spent together as better because his children have paid.

Presumably he’s at a much better point in his life financially than his children and so covers the lunch.
And this makes you angry?

Berlinlover · 07/04/2025 10:35

I agree with you OP, his children are adults and should be paying for their Dad’s birthday meal. When my Dad turned 50, I was 23 and my brother was 18 and we paid for his meal.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/04/2025 10:36

Will they bring cards/gifts?

you could look at it as he’s having a birthday party and has invited his children. In the same way he’d pay for the food if he hosted at your house, he’s paying for the food if he’s hosting elsewhere

it’s not a group of friends. Parents often rush to the bar to pay over their children

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 07/04/2025 10:36

Paying for your children to eat is normal and fine

rookiemere · 07/04/2025 10:38

It’s his adult DCs and his family dynamic. If he is better off than they are, why shouldn’t he pay for their dinner. To him, he’s probably delighted that they want to make time to spend with him. My DPs mostly paid for me as an adult and we will probably do the same even when DS is earning.
You sound interfering unless you have joint finances.

changednameagain1234 · 07/04/2025 10:38

I went for a meal with my dad for my 21st, I paid for my own food and drinks.

My dad isn’t short of money but is extremely tight.

SallyD00lally · 07/04/2025 10:38

butterfly172 · 07/04/2025 10:34

No, I don’t. And I’m guessing that makes me a bad person??

Show quote history

Weird guess 😳

It's a lot of parent's pleasure to pay when all their adult kids come together.

I know my dad used to insist, to the point where one of us would have to sneak up to the staff and tell them to bring the card machine over to one of us only! 🤣🤣

Ultimately it's his choice as their father and not something you should interfere in.

Especially as you don't seem happy about it.

Radra · 07/04/2025 10:38

I think it's a pretty standard dynamic in many families, OP.

My observation is that it starts to swing the other way once the parents are retired but sometimes not even then - my PIL are retired and wouldn't dream of their adult children (all in their 40s) paying

FoxRedPuppy · 07/04/2025 10:40

I’m 43 and my mum still refuses to let me pay 😂

Psychologymam · 07/04/2025 10:41

I think you don’t have kids. If he can afford it and wants to, why do you mind? Most parents with a comfortable income often pay for holidays, meals, etc etc, probably as a way of passing down wealth in a tax efficient manner!

SpanThatWorld · 07/04/2025 10:42

My dad always paid, even when I was earning far more than him. I would offer to pay or get my card out anf he would make eye contact and quietly say "No". Paying for our dinner was his thing and it was important to him.

Frankly, as both a stepdaughter and as a stepmother, I would suggest staying well out of this one. No good will come of it.

Alarae · 07/04/2025 10:43

It just depends on the family dynamics.

My mum and stepdad always try to make a fuss if I pay for anything, but I still do as I acknowledge I am in a better financial position than them. My mum especially gets flustered about it, but she’s my mum and I want to treat her at the end of the day!

If your fiancé likes to fuss over his kids, then regardless of occasion, that’s his choice?

In contrast, my FIL will always throw his card out first and stop anyone else from trying to pay.

mrsm43s · 07/04/2025 10:43

I'd totally pay for my adult children in this situation.

Firstly, because if I invite, I pay.
Secondly, and most importantly, I love my adult children, and I enjoy treating them. The money would be little to me at my age and life stage, but would probably be a big deal to them just starting out in adult life. Parents generally actively want to do nice things for their children, finances permitting.

I think the question about whether or not you have children is valid. You're looking at this as them simply being "adults" who could pay, he's looking at them as his "children" who he still wants to look after. You don't stop caring for your children and parenting them when they hit 18!

It would be an unusual situation for a parent who is financially comfortable to expect a child to pay for their dinner. Far more normal for the parent to treat the child.

Original poster
butterfly172 · 07/04/2025 10:44

Sofiewoo · 07/04/2025 10:35

And?

Are you a similar age to his children? Is this why you have such weird feelings towards them?

It’s totally common for an adult to pay for his children’s meals. It’s weird for the parent of adult children to view time spent together as better because his children have paid.

Presumably he’s at a much better point in his life financially than his children and so covers the lunch.
And this makes you angry?

Show quote history

I’m not a similar age. His children live with us, just thought it might be nice for them to pay for dinner (just a takeaway btw) as he does a lot for them.

OP posts:
Psychologymam · 07/04/2025 10:44

butterfly172 · 07/04/2025 10:34

No, I don’t. And I’m guessing that makes me a bad person??

Show quote history

of course if doesn’t - but you do seem a bit oblivious to the relationship between parents and children. It’s not the same as a friendship or any type of chosen relationship and you just want what’s best for them continuously- I don’t think you see payback and parity the same way with kids. It does come round though - my parents still won’t let me pay for a meal (I’m in my thirties!) but I buy them very expensive presents, vouchers etc so I try even it out!

Anewuser · 07/04/2025 10:46

As you can see, you’re view is skewed by not being a parent, and I try not to say that unkindly.

I’m pleased to be able financially, to pay for my adult children and their partners when we eat out. They could afford it themselves but I love the fact they still want to spend a little time with me, so it’s my treat. Doesn’t matter the occasion, birthday, Mother’s Day, it’s all the same.