Paying for own birthday meal

[butterfly172]

So it’s my fiancé’s birthday tomorrow. His 3 adult children don’t pay anything towards birthday dinner, instead he pays for it…I’m paying for it tomorrow as I refuse to let him pay for his own birthday meal, he does it every year. It gives me the hump that he pays for everyone to eat on his birthday (his youngest child is 22), am I being silly or is my thought process valid?

And advice for tomorrow @butterfly172 is DO NOT Performative Pay tomorrow. Don't be that woman.

As has been said, I live with them not the other way around so I’ll keep hushed on that.

And you think the reasonable answer is for him to do less for his children, who aren’t yours, due to your relationship with your father?

The beauty of being a step parent.

when my adult DC say "let's go out for dinner on mum's birthday" they usually pay between them.

When i say to my adult DC "do you want to go out for dinner on my birthday" they usually say "yes, but we're paying"

Same for DH.

If we invite them out at any other time - one of mine is a very low earner - we pay. On their birthdays, we pay. On other family occasions we pay. Unless they invite us with the proviso that they pay.

I would expect adult DCs to come up with the idea to invite and pay for their father for his birthday on their own.

I dunno anymore. I’m probably expecting too much and sometimes I feel he does a lot for them but I’m guessing by the responses on here that it’s normal to do everything for your kids.

Not a single person has said it's normal to do everything for your kids.

Just that the parent footing the bill for a meal, even on their birthday, is entirely normal in many/most families.

This is the thing, it really is a parent thing. My ex still pays for his (not mine) adult son if they meet up and he’s in his thirties with a good job 😁 I have never seen it as odd (he also pays for our adult children).

I don’t think you can really call yourself a step parent to adult children when you haven’t raised them from a young age.

He's not your daddy. He's your fiance; be proud of how he treats his kids.

Yeah; I’ve got the point. I guess I’m just jealous as he’s so good to his kids and it was a little difficult for me at times as me and my dad didn’t always see eye to eye.

It can be hard to see that.

My parents were abusive to the point we were removed from them. When I first met my ex I thought his family were OTT and a bit stifling. Then I met DH and his family were the same. I realised at that point that their families are actually very normal.

It's hard sometimes when your experiences are different to relax/enjoy the normals of others.

I’m 46 , and my sibling 43 , my dad still foots the bill pretty much every time we go out whatever the occasion , it’s just what he does !
Tbh my parents do have more disposable income than us , and always jokes that he’s spending our inheritance .

What’s that?

My dad absolutely would have considered it a terrible affront to his dad status if I’d paid for a meal in his company!

He was still insisting on paying for me and DP up until about five years ago he became too unwell and disabled to go out for meals. On more than one occasion DP or I asked for the bill and the restaurant staff informed us that my dad had already paid it front of house on his way to the loo, in secret so we wouldn’t argue with him! At this point DP and I were in our 40s.

Similarly, my grandparents always paid when I was a kid, for all of us. It’s just how that side of the family does things.

So what am I then?

Is your logic valid? Yes.

Does that mean that your conclusion is correct in the circumstances? Absolutely not.

How family meals and events and funding them works is massively influenced by a) what’s normal for that family and b) the relative financial circumstances for the people at the time.

There are lots of family’s where it’s normal for the parents to pay if they’re involved. For those, it would be totally weird to swap things round. There are others where it’s normal for the birthday person to be treated (financially) by others. For them, swapping it round would also be weird.

When the budgets and the traditions line up, it’s all good, everyone’s comfortable and knows what to expect. When they don’t, things get more complicated. Sounds like you and your fiancé have different ‘normals’ on this one. Doesn’t make one fundamentally right or wrong.

Given it’s clearly a well established pattern that doesn’t have a material impact on you (accepting that confusion and surprise can be got past) then accepting the status quo is probably the way to go.

(and yes, it’s weird getting used to seeing different parents do things differently. Even at basic levels, my mother in law sees it as her role
to host anyone who’s visiting them in their home and thus do all the clearing up after meals. I grew up with the clear expectation that you took your turn in clearing up. No one is right or wrong, but it feels odd).

Their dad’s girlfriend / fiancée. I’m not sure how you’re unclear about this?

You’re their dad’s fiancée.

Their father's fiancée. And that's fine. He's being a good parent, that's all. Hopefully, he's also a good partner.

Try to let this go and have a good birthday dinner. The fact that you'll all be there is probably all he wants for his day.

Their dad’s partner.

Their dad’s partner.

You haven’t parented them and you aren’t even married yet, no one in their 20s is viewing their dad’s new finance as their stepmother.

Don't make a performance out of paying, just to make a point. Don't make a fuss about paying as YOU think anything else would be wrong. Let your fiance do what he was originally planning.

When did you move in with the family?

Perfectly fine for him to pay - the treat his their company to celebrate his birthday, not a free meal for the birthday boy. If you interfere you risk alienating them, or him, as it conveys that you are judging them… which you are. This has nothing to do with you.

No it doesn't make you a bad person. But if you were a parent, you would maybe understand the thought that you want to treat your children, even if it IS your birthday.

Different if the children offer to treat their parent, and arrange it all, but in the scenario you posted about, many many parents can and DO pay.

It's not your fault that you can't understand this. But YABU nevertheless.

No. It just means you don't have the same dynamic with his adult children as the parents of adult children do.

I'm in a position to be able to treat my parents. My sister is not. We're both in our 30s. My parents generally pay when we all go out together. I treat them in other ways because I can.

Parents don't generally like the idea of their kids spending their money on them. It's our "job" as a parent to look after our kids regardless of their age and to spoil them a bit where we can.

I’ve never paid for my parents meals. I’m early 30s. Didn’t have enough money in my 20s yabu!!!