Paying for own birthday meal

[butterfly172]

So it’s my fiancé’s birthday tomorrow. His 3 adult children don’t pay anything towards birthday dinner, instead he pays for it…I’m paying for it tomorrow as I refuse to let him pay for his own birthday meal, he does it every year. It gives me the hump that he pays for everyone to eat on his birthday (his youngest child is 22), am I being silly or is my thought process valid?

Absolutely does not make you a bad person, don't be silly.

It does mean that there are parent/child, family dynamics and traditions in place you may not quite understand.

We would never dream of asking our twenty somethings pay towards a family meal. It gives us pleasure to treat them no matter what the occasion. Similarly our parents still regularly treat us, it's just how it works in some families

But it's not up to you to decide what they choose to spend their money on. What you think they should do with their money is neither here nor there. It's simply none of your business, so you need to keep your beak out.

It's a very common dynamic.

DH's granny insisted on footing the bill for the family gathering for her birthday recently.

She's over 100. Her children, grandchildren and even a few adult great grandchildren would happily pay, but she refuses.

Amusingly her children - who adamantly wanted to pay for her birthday - all also refuse to let their children pay for them but that is apparently "different" 😂

I guess it’s hard for me to understand, I’m not a mum. I don’t get the feelings he has as I’m not a parent. I’ll step back.

If he wants to pay for his kids then let him.. They’re not your children and I wouldn’t get involved.
However If I were paying myself I’d say beforehand that the bill is being split four ways as a birthday treat for your husband/there dad.
I don’t know why everyone is presuming that people in there twenties are all skint. My son is 22 and has over £3000 per month to himself.
I haven’t paid for his meals in restaurants on my birthday in years, not that he’d want me to anyway.
It’s only on Mumsnet that I hear of parents paying for there adult children’s meals and holidays.
I don’t know one single person in my circle of family/friends who do this.
When does it end.. How much income do your children need to be earning before you say.. If you want to come on the family holiday or meal out then you pay your way, just like everyone else has to?

haha. I think it takes much longer than into their 20s for children to stop being paid for by mum and dad for dinners. I'm 50 and my dad still struggles with the concept of me paying for his dinner sometimes!

I'm guessing you don't like your step children, resnt that they live with you and this is the final straw. Which, if that's how you feel, is fine and perfectly understanable. But it is completely normal for a dad to still pay for his children's dinner at his own birthday event.

Well presumably his children were there first so it’s more a case of you living with them.

This is normal in my family, my mother pays for me when we are having a meal and in turn I pay for my children in the same situation.

My dad would never let me pay for things like a meal or a holiday. I would always get him a gift and a cake for his bday though, do they get him anything?

No, I get on with my stepchildren fine.

When we go out with my parents or my in laws for a birthday meal for example, my dad or FIL always pick up the bill.

They believe that if you have invited people out for a meal to celebrate your birthday then you pay, as you’ve asked people to celebrate with you.

I wouldn’t expect 23y Dd to pay for a meal when out with us, regardless of the date or event. We pay for her when out together.

Im much older and my dad has never ‘let’ me pay when I go out for a meal with him and/or my mum and it’s just me, without Dh.

I would never DREAM of having my child(ren) pay for my dinner. Everyone being together is their gift to me. Nothing else wanted or needed.

Christ, always feel like an outsider and this just cements it.

It really doesn't have to be a big issue.

Most parents (there will always be exceptions), including your partner, want to pay on these occasions.

It's once a year.

Is it a long term relationship? I’m guessing so as he’s your fiancé Don’t these expenses even themselves out through the years? Perhaps there was once an occasion where your fiance paid or will pay for something that one of your friends or family ate? Or maybe an opportunity will present itself in the future. Either way, try not to worry. Maybe make sure you order a starter next time he pays

So what has pushed your buttons, this time?

You said your fiance does a lot for his kids. Do you see that as over and above??

My dad always pays when we go for family meals even though I’m 43 and earn well, he’ll pick up the tab because he’s my dad and wants to.

Interesting response!

If you’re always feeling like an outsider perhaps consider how angry you get at the thought of your partner paying for a takeaway for his own children.

I’m in my 40s and my dad would never let me pay for a meal whatever the occasion. My grandparents would equally never let my
parents pay when they were alive. It’s quite a common family dynamic.

When my ex takes our adult kids out (and sometimes their adult half brother) he always foots the bill. If I am out with my adult sons and we have lunch I foot the bill. His choice, my choice. Admittedly I can’t say about his birthday as they are not my business anymore and they’ve never done a birthday meal with him as adults. Of course if my son, who is working, said he’d take me out and treat me (as he has done) then I’ll accept. It really depends on who is taking who out for lunch I suppose, but I like having lunch with my boys and paying for it (not doing it so much nowadays as it’s too expensive). If my ex is also at our lunch he pays for all of us.

No-one should feel like an outsider in their own home.

But the PP is correct, if you've moved into their family home then his DC are not living with you, you are living with them.

And if he wants to shout them a takeaway on his birthday, it's really not worth giving a thought to.

Interesting you say nice for “them” to pay for dinner, rather than “us” to pay for dinner. Were you expecting the kids to treat you both?

No and that isn’t what she was implying. No parent would think this is weird or strange - the point here is that you may not understand not having children yourself. It’s his money why do you care?