Paying for own birthday meal

[butterfly172]

So it’s my fiancé’s birthday tomorrow. His 3 adult children don’t pay anything towards birthday dinner, instead he pays for it…I’m paying for it tomorrow as I refuse to let him pay for his own birthday meal, he does it every year. It gives me the hump that he pays for everyone to eat on his birthday (his youngest child is 22), am I being silly or is my thought process valid?

It just depends on dynamic I think. My mum never let me pay for a meal! It was always her treat, regardless of occasion, and she wouldn’t even hear any suggestion otherwise. I think personally I wouldn’t want my kids paying for me if I was in a decent financial position. Certainly nowadays, it’s quite common for parents to be much better off than their children anyway.

Yeah probably.

It's not about having a chipping in perspective, it's about how parents enjoy making gestures to take care of their kids - much like how you want to do it for your husband.

There are less opportunities to do that as your kids grow up and we enjoy it.

"Quiet and tiny" is such a childish huffy response.

You don't need to be seen as a step parent to be appreciated and part of a family. The adult children will probably never view you as a step parent because they don't need a new parent to help them grow up. That doesn't mean they will never care about you.
My dad got a new partner when I was late teens and they married and have spent about 30 years together, but I have never viewed her as any kind of parent figure. More like an older friend.

Yes, good idea. Just enjoy the meal with everyone and let him pay. Try not to be too swayed by the dynamic with you and your Dad. Tricky, I know.

Maybe I am childish 🤷‍♀️

Is the father a divorcee or a widower ?

As you clearly moved into the family home which his adult children live in, not that his children live with you. It appears they have always lived there.

Why don't you take him out for a meal on Saturday, just the two of you for his birthday, and he can pay for the family takeaway on his birthday.

You have good intentions OP and yes I agree that if the children have disposable income then they should atleast chip in.

It's common sense honestly.

I guess it just boils down to different upbringings. If dad doesn't expect it and seems OK then you should respect that and allow it..

If dad expects it and might be a bit disappointed then you can step in and steer it to make their dad happy.

Ignore people making you feel guilty...a lot of selfish people that only like to take and not give. But tread carefully you're still the 'outsider' esp as you're not married.

Divorcee. Yes, I moved into their home and it’s the family home.

Ok, so I’ll just keep quiet and tiny in everyone’s life.

You have a place in his life, and you said you get on with the adult children. This attitude will breed resentment for you, and you should either work on it by communicating with your partner and possibly speak to someone professional about your feelings about your parents. Otherwise, you probably shouldn't get married into this family just yet.

Reading between the lines, this is about SO much more than him paying for a takeaway.

When are you due to get married OP?

Why is it a problem if they are living there? My adult children live with me too. Weird comment

If someone communicated to me I shouldn’t be paying for my adult children when I choose to do it, they’d be getting very short shrift from me and put back in their place.

My advice to you, OP, is just to care less. His family dynamic with his adult kids is nothing to do with you. You can offer an opinion if he asks or support if he is in need of it, but other than that, it’s his business, no matter what you think about it or whether it’s what you would do or think is right. If he’s not said anything about it and doesn’t seem bothered, then I wouldn’t waste any more time thinking about it.

Next month.

When we go out DH and I always cover our kids. Yea, those established in jobs post uni could afford it themselves. That’s not the point though, we are the parents, so we pay. Would hate for our kids not to pay it forward if they have kids, but it will be their business not ours.

Maybe he prefers the Tony Soprano approach. If anyone else tries to pay for the meal, there'll be big trouble!

Is there an age gap at play here OP?

Between me and my fiance? Yes, 10 years.

No, I agree. But there is clearly something else going on. She needs to talk to him about whatever it is.

Your last three responses have been huffy and "shades of belligerent teen" @butterfly172. How close in age are you to the children?

Your responses on this thread come off like you’re dying to pick a fight with him/his kids. Do you want to be married to him?

I’m 45 and my dad would never let me pay for a meal. His birthday or not. Similarly I will never let my children pay for theirs.

Stay out of it.

Yeah I do. I’m not trying to pick a fight.