Paying for own birthday meal

[butterfly172]

So it’s my fiancé’s birthday tomorrow. His 3 adult children don’t pay anything towards birthday dinner, instead he pays for it…I’m paying for it tomorrow as I refuse to let him pay for his own birthday meal, he does it every year. It gives me the hump that he pays for everyone to eat on his birthday (his youngest child is 22), am I being silly or is my thought process valid?

What would you class as integrating then??

My dad still pays for me when we go out for meals and I'm well past the menopause! We always pay for our 20 something children too. It's fairly normal when the older generation has more money than the younger. I'd rather my children saved their money (not that they necessarily do).

You do need to think of your financial interests going forwards. A member of our family died suddenly a few years ago and I assume his wife (step mother to his grown up child) knew nothing about his will given her subsequent fight over it. (Or was just being unreasonable which in her case was quite possible.)

She did her best to thwart her step child's interests, but to no avail in the end. The will was adhered to. A house sale was involved.

My adult dcs have more money than us. Both well paid. Sometimes we pay and sometimes we split.

It should be to embrace the whole person - his history and all. That means if he wants to treat his kids because it makes him happy you should try to see that as a good thing and support him. Why should he have to be mindful of how you will judge his parenting choices. Let them be. Your role is to love and support your partner in what makes them happy not to gripe about what makes them happy when it doesn’t even affect you. You’re actually being selfish but telling yourself its concern for him.

That's a bit harsh.

My mum's brother takes advantage of her a lot and it really does upset her when she does everything she can for him and then he kicks off at her over nothing. It's not a healthy relationship between them.

Is it selfish of me to tell her she should stop doing everything for him because he doesn't appreciate her and will always just take from her? Am I just telling myself it's concern when really it's my own selfish wants? I get nothing out of it, other than maybe seeing my mum less unhappy when he inevitably kicks off.

I'm not saying that these kids are taking advantage, we simply don't know this. It more than likely is that her FH just enjoys treating them. But if OP is worried that they're taking advantage because she doesn't understand the dynamic, it doesn't make her selfish.

I think every family has a different dynamic. My granddad would always pay the bill at any event with
his adult children and grandchildren. I live in Spain now and it’s usual here for the parents to pay, even with adult children. Spanish in-laws always pay and won’t hear of anything else. My parents always expect split bills and to be treated the next time if they ever do pay. Different strokes for different folks. Don’t get involved. It won’t end well for you.

We pay for our DS24 to eat out with us. We can afford it, and he is on a tighter budget. It’s not the same as going out with friends.

Following the established family pattern of letting dad pay for the birthday meal seems like a good start.

@SaladSandwichesForTea

nah, I bet dad would love to treated especially on this occasion as the birthday boy! It’s one day of the year - I’m sure his kids don’t begrudge chipping in to pay for his share of a takeaway 😀

I think you are in the wrong to be honest. I'm not at that stage yet, but I full expect to pay for dinners even when my family are adults.

@meganorks

why?

My parents always pay for dinner no matter what the occasion. They can afford to and they want to, they see it as a small effort to reduce inheritance tax, although they appreciate it when we offer.

I do the same for my DC. Frankly a meal out is a huge expense for them and not so much for me andbinlike to help them out. The birthday treat for me is their company.

I don't think I'd stay long with a fiancée who objected to me treating my DC to dinner.

Because they will still be my kids and if we are getting together as adults I'd assume that these occasions would be less frequent and therefore our treat. I would expect us to be better off than young adults especially, but potentially even when they are older. And I might prefer to eat somewhere out of their budget too. Obviously if they are loaded they could buy me dinner! Or maybe when I've retired and they're still earning.

At a base level though, in this example, I don't expect anyone to pay for my dinner because it is my birthday.

My parents live 4 hours away, so although we talk daily we don't see each other half as much as we want to. They love treating us and would be upset if we wouldn't let them.

Big birthdays I've organised special things, spa day for my mum, a concert with my dad etc and paid for that but it's been a surprise gift. And it had to be a surprise gift cos if they got wind I was booking it and paying for it they'd tell me not to and/or insist on paying some of it.

I bought my mum a David Austin rose for her last birthday and she complained I'd spent too much.

I did “let him” btw

Why the ""?

I know what I said. It quotes me when you reply. Or are you being clever and inferring that I think you're controlling?

Sorry, but between that and the multiple question marks ?? to my last response, I'm not sure if you're giving attitude or something else.

You suggested letting him, but I’m not the type to control someone’s actions.

It always cracks me up when someone says "did you let DH do XYZ?". I don't "let" him do anything, he's a grown man, he does what he likes.

I hope so. It’s made very nice and easy for them to stay in the home without consideration for moving out, despite them earning good money.

I mean, this whole thread seems entirely contradictory to that.

"Maybe I'll be quiet and tiny then"
"Guessing that makes me a bad person"

You say these things hoping people will say "no no butterfly, I didn't mean that" and change their mind to agree with you.

That is controlling. At the very least it's a victim mentality strawman.

The inference being "oh well if you don't agree then you think ima terrible person Subtext: you need to change your opinion to prove you don't think I'm a horrible person"..childish/huffy etc.

I think it depends on the family traditions etc. When my husband’s family members invite anyone for a meal, the birthday person pays. If my side were to do that, everyone pays for themselves and chips in for the birthday person

It’s more a victim mentality I feel, I can’t seem to get out of that mentality.

I agree with you a point, I’ve had a similar experience. The adult children in my situation earned nearly as much as the parent and they never even offered anything towards and even order the most expensive thing because they know they’re not paying. I don’t mind us paying for them but I do mind the expectation that we will.

Wow, how entitled of them! They should be ashamed of themselves.