Paying for own birthday meal

[butterfly172]

So it’s my fiancé’s birthday tomorrow. His 3 adult children don’t pay anything towards birthday dinner, instead he pays for it…I’m paying for it tomorrow as I refuse to let him pay for his own birthday meal, he does it every year. It gives me the hump that he pays for everyone to eat on his birthday (his youngest child is 22), am I being silly or is my thought process valid?

You're their dad's girlfriend.

I'm 50 my sister is 44, if we go out for dinner with my dad he would point blank refuse to let us pay, and we do offer

1.5 years ago. Getting married this year.

You are their dads partner.

also not having kids doesn’t make you a bad person but does make you someone who doesn’t fully understand the context

So you haven’t even been part of the family for 18 months and you’re already trying to interfere with their established family dynamics? I feel very sorry for your partner’s kids.

I'm with you OP. I think it's odd that parents pay for their adult kids. I don't have kids or step kids so I'm basing it off my parents and my friends' relationships with their parents.

I'm 43 and pay about 80% of the time, sometimes my parents get their first.

If the kids are in FT education or out of work , going through a hard time then yes let the parents pay.

But my friends never ever pay for their parents. I see it as my way of thanking them (in laws too) they've sacrificed enough over the years raising a family.

I’ve been with him almost 4 years.

Different people do different things. On my mum's birthday she used to insist on paying for everyone (not so much now, but up until she was in her 70s). But my now adult son always insists on paying for me if its my birthday.

OP I can see that your upbringing and relationship with your own father was difficult, I am sorry.

But you wouldn’t have been part of his adult kids’ lives until you moved in to their home - at least not a major part.

My ex has children who would stay with us weekends etc but I never thought of myself as their step mother (even if technically I was). To me a step mother is someone who lives with the children and is involved in the day to day raising of them or at the very least has some kind of mothering/parental role.

You’ve been dating their father for 3 years, objectively a tiny proportion of the adult children’s lives. That doesn’t make you a step parent!

Yep, me and my sister are in our 40s and our parents always want to pay for us. We do insist we pay on their birthdays, mother's/father's days etc, but I'm pretty sure they'd be just as happy if we let them pay.

Is your husband complaining, OP, or is he happy with the situation? If he's not happy, it's his responsibility to have that conversation with his children, if he's happy, what's the issue?

My dcs earn a lot more than me their ddad and my dh. So they do chip in.

Yout dp must have a huge house if they all still live there?

Ok, so I’ll just keep quiet and tiny in everyone’s life. I’m actually really good to his kids, I’ll help out where I can, celebrate their wins and we have a good relationship. But it hurts to be seen as a someone who is a wrecker.

You haven't been with him long enough to understand the family dynamics (unspoken and otherwise).

Despite trying many times, my parents would never let me pay for a birthday meal. But that also meant they got to dictate the terms of said meal (where it was, when it was, who came etc).

So I stopped trying to offer.
If your finance wants his adult children to pay their share, then I'm sure he's capable of asking them.

Not true. She can be considered a step-parent to adult children even if she married their dad after they’re already grown

• If you marry someone who has adult children (18+), you become their *stepmother or stepfather in the social or familial sense*.
• There’s *no legal parental role* because adults don’t require legal guardianship or parenting.
• You won’t have legal authority over them, but you might still form a meaningful relationship, depending on the dynamics.

So OP yes, you’re their step-parent by definition, even though there’s no parenting involved and no legal ties.

If the relationship is strained or unclear, some adult stepchildren might not use the title—or may take time to accept it. But formally, you are their step-parent the moment you marry their parent, regardless of age.

He’s happy, I guess I’m getting involved wrongly so I’m going to step back. I see it now.

Dsd classes me as step mum and she was 20 when dh and I met.

Then don't 'wreck' the things they've always traditionally done.

He's paying for a takeaway, leave him to it.

Op said she is letting him get on with it.

I always paid for my mum (since my dad passed) but I always pay for my adult kids (early twenties). Even if they offer I still pay yet would never let my mum pay (even though she was better off than me). We just all have our own dynamics unique to us, sometimes they don’t even necessarily make sense to anyone but us.

My Dad got into a new relationship when I was 17. I like her but she’s not my step mum. She’s my Dad’s wife. Neither of them have ever contested me referring to her as that.

I have a step Dad who’s been in my life since I was 10.

He wants to host a family dinner. Let him.
However, I think this isn't about the birthday, is it some wider problem?