Paying for own birthday meal

[butterfly172]

So it’s my fiancé’s birthday tomorrow. His 3 adult children don’t pay anything towards birthday dinner, instead he pays for it…I’m paying for it tomorrow as I refuse to let him pay for his own birthday meal, he does it every year. It gives me the hump that he pays for everyone to eat on his birthday (his youngest child is 22), am I being silly or is my thought process valid?

This is how my parents see it.

In laws think we’re loaded and expect us to pay for everything while subsidising bil who pleads poverty and earns less than us but only has 1 dc whereas we have 3. It’s a sore point. We see them less.

OH and BIL are weird like this, they always make a song and dance about how we should split the bill rather than FIL (who is happy to) paying the bill. All very performative as always ends same way with FIL saying how he was one who invited everyone out so he then pays.

Wouldn't mind so much but after nearly 20 years its a bit tiresome.

I dunno anymore. I’m probably expecting too much and sometimes I feel he does a lot for them but I’m guessing by the responses on here that it’s normal to do everything for your kids.

No, not at all. I’d never expect them to pay for me.

Same. We have to be really quick if we want to pay.

How were/are your parents, with you?

My Dad, in his eighties, still wants to shout family meals when we eat out.

We, similarly, enjoy shouting our adult children.

It's not odd.

I have adult dcs and sometimes they split the bill. They paid for me on mother's day.

I'd just let dp get on with it.

Why are they all still living there?

I had a big birthday last year .........took all the family out for Sunday lunch and I picked up the bill. Admittedly, they had clubbed together for a very special treat for me (afternoon tea in a very upmarket hotel in London) but the birthday lunch was my way of treating them. Up to me how I spend my money.

But if they were there first then as another pp said they are not living with you, you are living with them, unless they were all left home before living with you and it has never been the family home. That is not to make you feel like an outsider, it’s factual (if you came into their home and not vice versa).

We get treated but my brother and I take my parents out for their birthday. Not the other way around

Thanks. Ever so useful.

Either I or my husband pay for our adult children when it's our birthdays . I think it's a very normal thing to do.

It is normal in our family, my late dad insisted always on paying and we do the same for our adult children, too. Its nice to treat them, whatever the reason.

I think sometimes a dad (I’ll say dad rather than mum for this thread) quite likes surveying the table and seeing his adult children around him and he foot the bill. Not an ego thing but a provider thing.

My children are older than that and we still pay for their meals when we eat out. Every parent I know does the same. We have more disposable income and we like their company.

I pay for my adult children too. How weird to think that's not normal

I’m sure you have got the point now OP, but yes, it’s entirely normal. My DC are mid/late twenties and I would pay for them, and their partners.

I still bung them money regularly and pay for their holidays. I love treating them.

I am wondering if there’s something else bothering you about your situation though? Does his generosity throw an unfavourable light on how your parents treated you?

Totally normal. It’s not even just for well off people. If I’m in town with my twenty somethings I pay the lunch bill. It won’t be anywhere fancy, just a chain or noodle place. If they wanted to go somewhere fancier then they would have to pay but that’s never come up.

While it can feel strange the birthday person paying and not being treated there's many parents who don't mind and prefer to pay for everyone themselves. My own dad was the same, insisted on paying for everything which I appreciated so much, it did take a while to understand and get used to my in-laws who have their own system that the parents pay for nothing no matter what the occasion. Just different ways I guess.

I don't think it's a 'parent' thing tbh, its about an adult making choices about how he spends his money. On my 50th birthday, I organised a party at a local restaurant for 30 people and footed the bill. My money, my choice. Is there more to this OP? You mention that the children live with you, are there other issues where you perhaps don't feel that they are pulling their weight or paying their way?

Yeah; I’ve got the point. I guess I’m just jealous as he’s so good to his kids and it was a little difficult for me at times as me and my dad didn’t always see eye to eye.

So? It is not your business