Dumped my boyfriend after a year because he kept fetish secret

[ThatsLife2]

As per the title really. I’ve broken up with my Boyfriend - we’ve had a strong first year, couple of holidays, met each other’s friends and family and discussed plans for the future.

Last weekend, on a trip away he told me he had a secret fetish (wanting to be dominated/me use toys on him) and wanted to know if I would be willing to partake in it. I wasn’t really comfortable, I’m not judgemental and said I don’t think it’s something I’d be able to do. He seemed okay with this at the time but over recent days he has said it’s not really something he thinks he could go without longer term and asked whether I’d re-consider.

I am pissed off at him keeping this from me for a year and wasting a year of my life. I broke up with him yesterday and he says he is devastated and is willing to go without that fetish moving forward. I’m of the view those desires won’t go away so it’s better to end things now.

AIBU to have ended things?

I think you have done the right thing.

I agree if that's his sexual preference he will either pressurise you in the future or he will get his fetish satisfied elsewhere and keep it secret from you.

Annoying he didn't discuss this with you earlier in your relationship but better to have found out now.

I don't think you're right to be pissed off with him.

This is what dating is for, getting to know each other and getting comfortable enough to share things.

You are right to end things though as you've found out you aren't sexually compatible.

He was trying to bribe you into doing something you are not comfortable with and you have called his bluff. Well done for not being bullied into it

Yes, if you don't want to do this with him. But I wouldn't be furious he witheld it from you. He clearly sensed it might not be your thing and was probably hoping to build a close rapport with you before sharing his desires.

The things of which he speaks are actually fairly common. Lots of men are into 'pegging'. (I think?!)

But it doesn't mean you have to stay with him. Just move on and you'll find someone more suitable in terms of sexual interests.

You’ve definitely done the right thing and it’s a bit rich for him to be devastated. Cheeky sod.

First of all, there is NOTHNG WRONG WITH BEING JUDGEMENTAL. Only rapey people and people who are up to no good at all push the don't judge me line.

Every single person in the whole world judges all the time, you are judging me for this, I have judged you for your post. We judge, all of us, to stay safe.

So DO be judgemental, it's your right and you must do so to stay safe. Your ancestors being judgemental - using their judgement - is the reason you exist today.

Judging doesn't mean that we gossip or try to set out to hurt someone, of course, it just means we use our judgement and make our own choices and have our own boundaries. As is our right.

When it comes to sex, you do not need any reasons at all beyond I don't want to. Anyone who tells you otherwise is coercive and abusive.

You have every right to not want any part of his fetish. Rapey people will try to tell you that's vanilla, or prudish or (insert slur/insult).

Vanilla just means healthy sex that you enjoy, so don't let anybody coerce you with that sort of language.

This isn't a big red flag fetish, I suppose, but it would be a total turn off for me too and you have a right to enjoy your sex life without feeling coerced or turned off.

And you are absolutely correct, if he is still wanting this after a year of being without it, he will always want it.

Or maybe he hasn't been without it for a year? Maybe he's been getting this somewhere else, or is a porn addict, or - well maybe lots of things that might have been going on to feed this fetish, since it hasn't been going on in your bedroom.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. You're right, he wasted your time and should have been upfront about it. But at least you got out before he trapped you with kids and a mortgage.

(Sorry for quoting, was an accident)

You've done the right thing - you're sexually incompatible and I'd probably be pissed off too that he's waited a year to tell you this!

You've done the right thing - you set your boundaries, he found them incompatible with what he wants, and that's that.

I think a year relationship is beyond the dating stage though.

Bloody hell 😂😂
This is a post n a half

I was just trying to pre empt all the usual shite people come out with when a woman says "No" to something sexual 😅

I think you’ve done the right thing. I didn’t realise until after he’d left that my ex husband had a really grim fetish. He never told me but had clearly sought people outside of our marriage to indulge it. If it’s not something you’re comfortable with then you are going to have mismatched desires going forward. It’s horrible this has happened to you and I’m sorry. However, better to know now before you invest any further in this relationship.

I’d be annoyed he’d waited so long too.

I think it's fair for someone to take a long time to feel comfortable sharing something like this, a year isn't that long in relationship terms. I feel a bit sorry for him as from his point of view he's made himself vulnerable and the outcome has been the worst case scenario. But you're not being unreasonable to end things at all.

It’s annoying it’s taken a year to be told but he asked, you’re not okay with it and he’s just explained that it’s something he’d like to pursue.
It’s fine for you to not want to do it and it’s equally fine for him to want to it.
In terms of fetishes it’s on the tamer side of some things I’ve heard and not as extreme as I was expecting but that’s irrelevant really, if you don’t want to do it that’s totally you’re choice.

A year is far too long to hide a fetish that he, as he said, doesn't think he can live without. I'd be as furious as you.

Yes, this. Of course YANBU to end it, anyone can end a relationship for any reason. But I don’t think it’s a massive revelation that he was duty bound to tell you at the start, as fetishes go it’s pretty tame.

It is, of course it is!!

He should have told you well before now.

Don't doubt yourself you have done the right thing.

He can be as 'devastated' as he likes, he was trying to bully you into accepting it but by saying he doesn't think he can go any longer without it 🙄🙄 you called his bluff!!

Things like this don't stay as an occasional thing either, they become the only way you have sex & it's tedious and boring if it's not your thing

I'm sorry you're going through the loss of the future. You thought you were going to have, but you have done the right thing and don't cave in to his.'devastation.'.

You're right to uphold your boundaries and he was wrong to wait a whole year to bring up an issue that was apparently a deal breaker for him.

He obviously thought he'd waited long enough that you'd be desperate to keep the relationship and vulnerable to coercion.

Now he's backpedalling but you're right, it won't go away. Some men get absolutely obsessed with fetishes and will organise their whole lives around their dicks. If he was saying he didn't think he could live long term without it, believe him!

Good for you for behaving with integrity.

I think a year is too long to completely hide this, without any discussion about it at all. I'd also be pissed off that he's tried to come back from you calling it off, flipping from he can't live without it to suddenly he can, because he didn't get his way. Smacks of a manipulation attempt that backfired. I'd assume from this reaction that he waited this long to make sure you were invested and wouldn't say no, and you're well rid of him for that reason.

Interesting thread.

Idle question. It's only been in my later years that I've learned that the prostate is an erogenous zone. My girls' school sex ed left that bit out, mysteriously. Explains pegging, etc. presumably?

How many other women only discovered this late in life? I only did through reading erotica on AO3...

YANBU. I think that it can take a while for people to open up enough to one another about fetishes etcetera (or in some cases to even realise that they have them) so I don’t think the fact that this has taken him a year is a form of deception. It might just be that he’s reached the point where he thinks that you’d be someone that he’d be willing to make himself vulnerable with. However, it’s not your fetish and you have absolutely no obligation to even try to go along with it to please him. I do think you’re absolutely right to believe that if this is a significant desire of his that if he’s not able to carry out with you that it could lead to problems along the line. Frustration, continually thinking about it, keeping on raising it, perhaps even looking for someone else willing to partake. He’s a bit naive to think otherwise.

You can end a relationship for any reason.

Deleting due to accidental lack of quote

I discovered it pretty early through a range of sources (including AO3). And yep, the prostate is part of what makes pegging pleasurable for a man. There are sensitive nerves round the whole area, in both men and women. There are also psychological aspects, power dynamics etc.