Dumped my boyfriend after a year because he kept fetish secret

[ThatsLife2]

As per the title really. I’ve broken up with my Boyfriend - we’ve had a strong first year, couple of holidays, met each other’s friends and family and discussed plans for the future.

Last weekend, on a trip away he told me he had a secret fetish (wanting to be dominated/me use toys on him) and wanted to know if I would be willing to partake in it. I wasn’t really comfortable, I’m not judgemental and said I don’t think it’s something I’d be able to do. He seemed okay with this at the time but over recent days he has said it’s not really something he thinks he could go without longer term and asked whether I’d re-consider.

I am pissed off at him keeping this from me for a year and wasting a year of my life. I broke up with him yesterday and he says he is devastated and is willing to go without that fetish moving forward. I’m of the view those desires won’t go away so it’s better to end things now.

AIBU to have ended things?

Ooh, 20 likes and counting, thanks :)

Just came back to say one last thing.

If there is ANYTHING anything at all about your sexual wants that you cannot share with a sexual partner within the first month of a sexual relationship then there is something wrong with your sexual wants.

If there is nothing wrong with what you want, you will share it, easily. If you are hiding it, it's because you know you, and it, are a total turn off.

CIao 😘

Definitely, I agree certain kinks can bring shame...

However, a year is a long time—especially for a woman who is looking for a life partner.
For him to reveal this now and say he can’t live without it suggests he’s been stewing on it for a long time. You don’t suddenly realise you need something after stumbling across it a few times over a few weeks.

That phrase in itself is problematic—it places pressure on the other person to accommodate it, or risk ending the relationship. That can feel emotionally manipulative, whether intentional or not.

It’s completely valid to take time to build trust—I’ve done the same. But if you’re asking someone to invest emotionally, ethically you need to be conscious of their time and expectations too.
He let OP fall in love with him while withholding something he now claims is central to his sexuality. That’s a big deal.

I’m into a few things myself that terrify me to share with people—but I still do, even after being shamed in the past—because part of engaging in kink ethically is ensuring all parties have the information they need to give informed consent.

It’s even more important in romantic relationships, which aren’t just about play—they’re about building a shared future. The crossover into romance complicates everything, because now it's not just about compatibility in kink—it's about emotional investment, long-term goals, and mutual trust.

And honestly, I’ve seen this so often—both here on MN and in real life—where men reveal these things only once they feel the woman is too emotionally invested to leave.
Maybe that’s when they feel safe, yes—but it also puts women in a deeply unfair position. Many end up agreeing to things they’re not fully comfortable with because they’ve already spent time, energy, and emotion on the relationship. That’s not consent—it’s resignation.

Men counting on that dynamic is a form of coercion. It may not be intentional in every case, but the effect is the same: someone feels cornered.

This isn’t about shaming people with kinks—it’s about timing, communication, and responsibility. Everyone deserves to feel safe enough to be honest. But that honesty has to go both ways.

So yes, I absolutely agree that certain kinks come with shame, but that doesn’t relieve someone of personal responsibility to be honest with their romantic partner—especially when what they’re asking for could change the course of the entire relationship.

And yes, a lot of this language and the way you and I are talking would be foreign to someone not in the community. But even someone with no experience can operate respectfully and with integrity around kink, sex and romantic partners.

I think you have every right to be pissed off at having a year wasted.
One year is very far in.
Very selfish of him.

He obviously calculated things in a very controlled way - wait until my partner is really attached and then she will find it harder to say no to something she doesn’t want to do.

Gross coercion. @ThatsLife2 YANBU. He’s a manipulative, duplicitous creep.

Is this a joke? We should normalise kinks? Really, get a grip. This is how we got to “educating” young girls about anal being ok in teen vogue etc just effing stop it. What else should we normalise? Choking? How about men stop being entitled perverts.

A year is too long, but it's not a first date topic of conversation either.

She has every right. He took a year to mention a deal-breaker. Doesn't matter what.

And yes the prostate is a thing. So why can't men all grow up and say it openly and let women decide whether they want to participate? Nobody cares about being asked in an appropriate, timely setting.

It's his secrecy and time wasting when it's clearly such a big deal to him that he's said he would hinge a relationship on it.

Plus it's the fact that he's made such a bloody big fuss over it. It clearly isn't just about enjoying a bum toy now and again (not that she's obliged to do it at all) . He's given the distinct impression that it's a tediously big deal to him and also what else is he going to come out with now he's revealed he's a Sex Person?

Assuming you’re a straight woman and enjoy penetration - is that a kink? If not, why is it a kink for men to enjoy it?

It's quite interesting in a world where Lovehoney are advertising on TV regularly that so many people still seem horrified by the thought of adults using sex toys on each other. Or are sex toys exclusively for women?

Also, what makes people think that 'fetishes' (or what some might call kinks, or not even that really, I certainly wouldn't call it a kink) are fully formed at birth? You are within your rights to not want to partake of course, but the way it's framed is that if he never told you in the first year then he's never allowed to bring up anything 'new' ever again. That seems like a recipe for boredom. Doesn't it?

So after the first year everything that's never been broached is off the table forever? Wow. No wonder the divorce rate is so high.

Perhaps there should be some arbitrary deadline where you both have to declare all your possible future interests or forever leave them behind - even the ones you didn't realise you wanted yet? Sounds ridiculous doesn't it. But that's what you're saying.

Also, I wonder what the reaction would be here if you had said that YOU wanted to use sex toys and HE was not into it. I bet all the forumers would be rushing to your defence, it being your 'right' as a liberated woman to enjoy sex in whatever way you pleased. I doubt anyone would be calling you a sick pervert or 'rapey'.

This is an interesting point because actually, Women have kinks too.

But also, not every single sexual interest is a kink or a perversion. Women enjoy their nipples being sucked, this isn’t a kink it’s just a basic sexual pleasure. Likewise men with receiving anal pleasure.

Oh come on, not to mention this aspect for a year? That is far too long.

Yeah. It's not like he wants to involve other people or do anything painful/dangerous.

If I were with someone for several months and trusted them I'd hope I'd be able to share with them my sexual likes and desires. Wouldn't OP want to do the same?

Communication is very important in relationships so maybe he should've raised it sooner. But OP's reaction of disgust is just going to make him feel ashamed when I don't think he's got anything to be ashamed for.

Yeah. It's not like he wants to involve other people or do anything painful/dangerous

Doesn't have to involve other people or be painful or dangerous to be a complete turn off.

(What a low bar anyway).

This would be a massive turn off to me.

He should have raised it earlyish.

Yes, he's wasted your time.

He didn't not raise it because of shame and all that jazz the posters putting it back onto you are claiming. He didn't raise it because he knows few women would go for it and he thought if he got you invested he might have more success

I know few women who could be arsed (no pun intended) doing this or who wouldn't find it a turn off.

He needs to find his partners on fet life.

He's wasting people's time.

How do you know how many women would go for it? Why do you assume that an interest in pegging is something your female friends would share with you?

Or are sex toys exclusively for women?

Most sex toys for men are for penetration by them, not of them.

But you know that surely?

Toys for anal penetration of them are to fulfil a fetish, op doesn't want to get involved in that fetish. I wouldn't either. I like "tops" not "bottoms", bulls not twinks.

This is what I’ve been saying!

Imagine if a woman, one year in, said to her boyfriend that she wanted to introduce toys into their sex life and he revolted in disgust, calling her a pervert. He wanted to end the relationship because she has a secret kink. She should have been up front straight away!

But actually, this woman was just letting the relationship develop naturally and enjoying their sex life building and developing as many do. Some people wait 10 years before introducing toys, some never do but want to.

Imagine this woman then said: “If you’re going to call me a kinky pervert for having an interest in this additional pleasure, and outright refuse to ever do it, I don’t think we are compatible sexually going forward.” Would you all be saying that she sexually coerced this man into a loving relationship in order to force him into fulfilling her kinks..?

Imagine if a woman, one year in, said to her boyfriend that she wanted to introduce toys into their sex life and he revolted in disgust, calling her a pervert. He wanted to end the relationship because she has a secret kink. She should have been up front straight away!

You don't truly believe this is analogous, do you?

Are you just being disengenuous?

We have a no holds (or is that holes?) barred style of conversation.

In general, I'd say it's not a mainstream/very common sexual interest or turn on for women.

If it was so common, this guy would have raised it early on.
Get it?

YANBU. I wouldn’t be interested in that either. He told you it was a dealbreaker so you broke off the deal. Out of curiosity, what sort of age are you guys / age decade? Did you love him very much & this just put you off him ?

You come across as someone who defines ‘normal’ as ‘anything I want to do’, and ‘a kink/fetish’ as ‘anything someone else wants to do that I don’t want to do’. I’m going to take a wild guess that that doesn’t necessarily lend itself to the people in your life being very open with you.

Get it?

ThatNimblePeer

Always a sign of a poor debater with a poor argument - when they go for personal attacks.

Nothing to do with my personal activities.

This is simply not a very common/mainstream behaviour for hetero men.

That's one of the reasons he didn't raise it for a year.

Sorry that annoys you.

A whole year of her life, though?

I'd for sure be pissed off.

He cannot be dragging people along for that amount of time before dropping a bomb that big.

All of these people saying we should normalise kinks are actually saying that OP should put her discomfort and unwillingness to participate in this aside for the sake of her partner.

Fuck. THAT!

I'd be really turned off by this and highly likely to not want to be intimate with DP again, and my feelings are just as valid as his. End of.

These two are not sexually compatible. She is right to get out.

Isn't it funny how men having their kinks and fetishes pandered to is so fucking normalised that 'unpleasant surprises' are considered par for the course if someone finds it beyond the pale. They've got a right to their kink and other people have got a right to be repulsed by them.

Poor men and their inability to not cheat on partners who won't accommodate them sexually.